sphincter roll...

it's the most romantic night of the year.  except for that unforgettable hot steamy back alley shag.  oh wait, that was just my dream.  anyway, it's the most romantic night of the year, i'm spending the evening with two of my closest friends.  we have decided to poke fun at the holiday and wear campy "love" shirts.  we walk to what looks like a cute corner bar and grill.

it's a pretty quiet night for a holiday where most restaurants are only taking reservations.  there was a small wedding party occupying a section of the restaurant and a few couples sitting at hi-top tables in the bar.  after scoping out the options we chose the two small couches facing the fireplace.  our waitress came right over, let's be real there weren't too many people to help, so it made sense for her to be prompt. we ordered a few drinks and looked over the menu. heath and i decided to split the french dip meal, we weren't starving since we had stuffed our faces with snacky gas station food on the drive down.

french dips, one of my favorite sandwiches of all time.  crispy on the outside and pillowy soft on the inside french bread, thinly sliced medium rare succulent beef, and gooey melty cheese that you dip into salty beefy broth. seriously, what's not to love?  i prefer mine with horseradish for a little extra zip, but leave off the onions or any other blasted vegetable.

i try french dips everywhere.  in fact, heath and i have split french dip meals at other restaurants.  i am still on the hunt for the perfect french dip.  so, if you happen to know of a really good one, please share it with me.

back to the story.  

there is something about smelling food that makes you hungry.  i can't say that i was starving before getting to the restaurant, but once i smelled the aromas wafting from the kitchen, my stomach was super excited to be filled.  we received our food fairly quickly, remember the place wasn't packed, and a quick glance of my food and i thought it looked okay: french dip cut in half, a bowl of salty beef broth, a mound of fries and a pickle.  i quickly scarfed the pickle down.  my horseradish was on the side so i picked up a knife to slather it on my first bite.  

i remember looking at my half of the sandwich in anticipation, but i was quickly a little disappointed.  it wasn't a sandwich that was piled with beef, in fact it was pretty thin.  i was hoping to grab my half and watch the cheese stretch from the plate in all its gooeyness, but it wasn't even all the way melted yet. however, i was now starving and there wasn't anything a schmear of horseradish couldn't cure.  

or so i thought

i took my first bite.  it was mostly bun, which i forgot to mention the bun wasn't toasted, crispy or pillowy soft on the inside, just a bun.  i pick up the knife to schmear more horseradish onto my next bite when i notice something sticking out of my sandwich. there it was, a foreign object in my sandwich.  

i set my half down and spread the bun open to examine the foreign object.  i separated the object from the meat, yes it was attached, and held it on my finger.  it was a little ring, hard to the touch, perfectly circular, but the color of a tendon or fat.  it wasn't very big, i wouldn't have been able to fit it on my pinkie, but it definitely wasn't something i wanted to eat.  it looked like a sphincter. i had a tiny butt hole in my sandwich. 

i showed the sphincter to heath and she immediately put her half down on the plate.  "what is that?"  now we were both looking at the tiny sphincter i was holding on my finger.  my half had multiple tiny sphincters, where heath's had none, but neither of us was eating anymore.  

keri, that smart girl, had ordered a chicken dish and was in hysterics over our sandwich debacle.  

so what does one do when their sandwich is covered in sphincters?  we gave it back.  there was some dialogue between the waitress and heath.  heath won.  we didn't have to pay for our sphincter roll, but we left hungry and unable to eat the rest of the night. 

i know that i will be able to order and eat another french dip.  like i said, they are one of my favorite sandwiches, ever.  i'm not sure about heath, i know she was very traumatized by our sandwich experience.  if you are a french dip lover be on the look out for these: 

i can't tell you what part of the cow this comes from
do you know?  

drop it like it's hot...

happy valentine's day from the girls!

every few months, i spend some time reconnecting with some of my oldest and dearest friends.  by the time we depart ways i'm so full i feel like i can't swallow because my esophagus is jammed pack, my liver hates me, and my abs have had a full workout, due to laughter, in just 3 short days.  just like every other trip there are some very memorable moments, for this trip i'm going to share my most embarrassing moment of the trip.

red glossy nails for me

 it was saturday morning, we had just started operation: hilly billy to sophistication by getting our nails done, and the three of us were getting dressed to head out for the day. 

skeeter and scooter

my outfit for the day was a pair of jeans, a striped t-shirt, blazer, leopard scarf and boots.  perfect outfit for tooling around downtown portland.  the night before, heath, chopped my hair, updating my look with a saucy set of bangs.  i really do love them.



it was during this dressing myself for the day, where the story really starts.

it was a matching day, red and white polka dot undergarments.  although nobody really sees when you are wearing matching undergarments, i feel a little more on-top-of-my-game when i know it's a matching day.  so, i'm in my skivvies, pull out my skinny jeans and shimmy into them.

i have worn these jeans 800 times, at least.  they are well loved, but they don't have any holes.  they are plain, no striation in the denim, just a nice plain denim which makes a good canvas for any outfit.  seeing as how it is winter, they were a little snug.  i went through my regular steps of stretching out my jeans a bit: zip, button, squat.  during the downward motion of the squat there was a riiip sound.

i paused for just a moment before standing up, both of my lovely friend's heads turned towards me and wouldn't you know it they fell to the floor in laughter.  they dropped to the floor so fast, you would have sworn they had just been shot by some unseen gunman.  as serious as i could be, i simply said, "well i guess i won't be wearing these." and proceeded to take them off.

my winter ass strikes again

in case you are wondering what kind of blow out i had, in one word it was epic. my red and white polka dot boy shorts had bust through the entire ass of my jeans.  i could fit my whole entire noggin through the gaping hole in my jeans. keri, bless her heart, offered up her sewing machine for some quick repair work, but i'm going with these are well past repair. thankfully this mishap happened in keri's living room and not out on the town.

dinner at trifecta

outside of a lovely dress up dinner night, a trip to the wax salon, countless new beers that i tried, a quick and revealing game of question and answer, and some shopping it was your regular girls weekend.





next trip we are hitting the happening town of moses lake.  look out moses, you never know what will happen when the three of us are on the loose. until next time ladies!

it was seriously cold this afternoon

obligatory v-day post...

yes, i will be wearing this shirt for valentine's day.  

no, i do not have a boyfriend.

this year for valentine's day, i will be in portland laughing until my sides hurt with two of my dear friends.  i would say they are taking pity on their single friend, but this is really the only weekend our schedules matched up.  and seriously what better way to spend the love holiday, than with two gals i love immensely?  

for this week of over publicized love, i will be participating in the following ways

adele and norah jones will be on repeat

i bought a valentine's gift for someone

special candy in my kid's lunches

heart shaped cookies

might even sport some red lipstick

here is what my shirt should say:

i will (heart) my boyfriend

if the time ever comes that i have this "holiday" to share with a special someone, i will heart my boyfriend, valentine's day and every other day.  i don't need a holiday to tell me when to shower my boyfriend with love, because i will want to share that with him whenever i can.  

it's saturday y'all...

it is a saturday night.  i am sitting solo, at a four top table, in a hopping bar, in front of a computer screen.  there is dreadful karaoke filling the air, laughter amongst friends, and chatter at each table.  every table except for mine.  besides the glow of my screen and the occasional illumination of the screen on my phone, there is zero action at my table, it is quieter than quiet. 

i came here tonight for a change of scenery.  i can only spend so many hours confined inside the walls of my home.  void of human contact.  i would never make a good solitary confinement inmate.  i would be certifiably mad after a few short hours.  i was doing homework, again, and i was going crazy.  my irrational thought process said, come to a busy bar.

there are two significant problems with this plan.  one it is extremely distracting to get anything constructive done.  two, i feel far more alone than i did at home all alone.  sigh. what is it about being amongst humanity that intensifies the isolation one feels when they go solo?  to be completely honest, i would prefer to be a third wheel over sitting by myself.

this is the kind of night where i wish i had someone in my bed.  someone to cozy up to.  another heartbeat pulsing under my covers.  a man that i could touch, my hand resting on his chest as it rises up and down with each breath he takes.  it is nights like this where i wish i could shelve my morals and just invite some random over to fill the need that i am having.

it is nights like this that i wonder, how long am i going to live this gig?  this gig of keeping my own company, an empty bed, the loneliness that only creeps in under the darkness of night? 

at the end of the day i will go home solo, because that is who i am.  the moment of loneliness will pass and life will carry on. the quietness of my room, the expanse of empty space in my bed, and the wonders of the sandman will transport me to a dreamland that will take all my worries away. 

happy saturday y'all.