oh, joe...

sometimes it sounds nice to break up with my steady, joe, but i quickly learn that i should never have tried to break up with joe.  joe takes my absence personally and retaliates with a vengeance that would rival glenn close in fatal attraction. 

joe started his sneaky assault early this morning.  i was so indecisive on what to wear today.  black is always a safe choice and most days i am sporting black in some fashion. i also tend to put something on and keep it on.  today however, i changed my clothes a handful of times tossing each article of clothing that didn't make the cut onto my bed. 

for some unknown reason i have on a khaki skirt.  i am not sure what possessed me to purchase this skirt.  i despise the way i look in khaki anything, but especially bottoms.  i find khaki slacks to be the most hideous article of clothing.  so why would i buy a khaki skirt?  it is a little more flattering, because it fits well, than the pants, but not by much (in my opinion). 

joe altered my tone this morning.  instead of my snow white sing song voice i was barking out orders like the evil queen.  i tried to explain to my ratchets that it wasn't my fault that i was so harsh.  in my apology for my angry tone i rightly placed blame on joe, "i'm sorry kids for being so abrupt, but joe doesn't like it when i try to break up with him."  my apology was met by cocked heads and bunched up faces.  i didn't explain further.

joe also engaged physical pain in the form of a raging headache that spread across my entire forehead.  i winced in bright lights, drank tons of water and rubbed my temples but found no relief.  even taking a couple of ibuprofen did not take away joe's assault.  in an attempt to distract myself from joe's reminders i hit the pavement for a quick run.  now i'm not sure if this was joe or lack of motivation or just simple laziness, but i felt sluggish, out of breath and my head still pounded. 

damn you joe.

to my truest joe,

 

i'm so sorry to have strayed from our affair.  it wasn't you, it was my poor planning.  see i cannot enjoy our time together without some protection.  your essence is so strong i cannot take you as you are.  not to worry i fixed the problem so i can enjoy you from now until eternity (or until i need to make another trip to the store).

 

forever faithful,

flo

balls...

 

holy balls

 

cheese balls

soccer balls

blue balls

gum balls

 

it isn't often that i am rendered speechless.  yet speechless is precisely where i am at.  how does one wrap their head around a situation without getting stuck in their own head?   

 

 

 

magically manifest...

how many times have you heard if you want to find someone who is a good match, just do the things you love and they will appear?  i have heard this countless times.  it seems that men, women and children all know this, even i know this.  a male friend of mine reminded me of this in a recent conversation, "heather, just be you and do the things that make you happy, he will show up."  since this is fresh on my mind i thought it might be fun and possibly a little funny to see what it is i love to do and figure out what type of man might magically manifest.

1.  books.  i love to read.  reading is not a social activity.  reading is a very solitary activity.  i have spent countless hours in bookstores perusing books, but i've never seen anyone of interest in a bookstore.  i belong to a book club, but it is comprised of my mammas.  i belong to a book review type site; you share the books you read, love, want to read and others can discuss the books with you.  that hasn't proved to be fruitful either.  so reading is out. 

2.  cook.  my happy place is my kitchen.  hmmm...there are no strange men popping up in my kitchen.  okay so we broaden the scope, i have to shop for the groceries to prepare in my kitchen.  everybody buys food at the store right?  i feel like i am at the grocery store every day.  haven't met anyone there.  in the summer i frequent the farmer markets around, you seriously can't beat all the fresh goodness, but i've never met anyone there either. 

3.  being with my kids.  i am a parent who actually really enjoys hanging out with my kids.  they open my eyes to things that only kids notice.  they make me laugh.  they drive me bananas.  the irritate the crap out of me.  i am constantly and consistently becoming a better human by the influence of my kids.  it would take a very brave and secure man to approach a woman who is out and about with her kids.  it has NEVER happened to me and i will tell you we are out a lot. 

4.  all things yarn.  i taught myself how to crochet a couple years back and i have been doing it ever since, trying to perfect the art of crocheting.  i have tried knitting, my mom was trying to teach me.  i will have to keep trying, but so far my skill level is nil.  for some reason my hands do not cooperate with each other.  i have latch hooked a rug, i can needlepoint and cross stitch.  this is yet again another solitary activity.  i tend to "yarn" in the evening, it keeps my hands busy and ensures that i'm not packing my face with some addictive snack.  i have heard of  "yarn" groups, i've never belonged to one, but i don't imagine they are packed with eligible single men? 

as you can tell the things i like aren't social activities.  this isn't to say i haven't stepped outside of my comfort zone.  i do a whole lot of things that don't include reading, cooking, yarn or my kids.  i am often getting out into my immediate community and neighboring cities exploring.  it is not necessarily that i am on the prowl, i just really love new things; restaurants, roads, music, beaches, etc.  how else are you going to discover the new if you don't get out there? 

so let's see does anyone know of a man who loves to read and will introduce me to new reads, will crack open a beer or bottle of wine and eat the food i prepare, can teach me how to knit and loves hanging with kids?  if you do, please send him my way.  *wink*

blue skies...

on a typical gloomy day in washington, my skies were blue.  isn't it funny how when you are in the right company there seems to be a shield of sunshine hovering over you?  this happens to you, right?  no?  well let me explain.

recently i spent the day in my state's capitol city, olympia.  to be honest i have never stopped in this city.  i have driven by on my way to the ocean, a mud run, and trips to portland, but never stopped to soak in it's glory.  i fell in love with the architecture of the capitol building, the beauty of the immaculate grounds and the history.  i'm kind of a sucker for that kind of thing. 

i'm sure it helped that i was in the company of the best tour guide ever.  although this isn't his official job, you've got to appreciate and admire a human who really learns about their surroundings.  granted there is lots of history to know in olympia, but i know i wouldn't be able to show you much in my town, unless you are into thrift stores and bikini baristas.  we seem to have quite a few of these.

the day started at the spar cafe, a 70 year anchor of olympia.  first of all the building is very historic. it is packed with pictures of the growth of olympia.  the food was delicious.  my tour guide's breakfast looked much better than mine.  he had the 4th avenue mess.  a mess it is, but man it looked fabulous.  i had your classic breakfast; eggs, bacon, english muffin and hashbrowns.  my favorite part of the meal was the coffee.  now i am generally a fan of big sturdy coffee mugs, but at the spar you get dainty cups and saucers.  for some reason it fit the ambiance of this establishment.

after breakfast we were off to a farmer's market.  i love farmer's market season.  i try to get to my local market as often as i can.  my tour guide has a passion for photography and there were several photographers at the market peddling their wares.  obviously we stopped to admire and sometimes critique the work.  i am in no position to critique work, seeing as how i only take pictures with my iphone, but my tour guide had some opinions.  he deserves to have an opinion i've seen some of his work and i was impressed.

did you know that bing crosby has ties to washington?  i didn't either. apparently his grandparents lived in tumwater, a neighboring city to olympia, and the house is still there.  although we didn't arrive during visiting hours, we were still able to read the placards and peek around the outside.  i loved the quaint white house maybe someday i will get back and take a trip inside?

next we were off to tumwater falls.  i had no idea there were waterfalls so close to the freeway.  i had never noticed them before.  the water was rushing, loud and dirty.  i wasn't really prepared for a "hike" through the falls, but i am always a trooper and tread carefully in my not made for hiking boots.  thankfully my tour guide was johnny on the spot with an arm.  even though the water was dirty and muddy i still stood in the spray and soaked in our wonderful world. 

we topped off the day with a pizza.  i know, i know i eat a lot of pizza, but i really do love it.  now you know that i think it is sacrilegious to put vegetables on a pizza and yes olives are included in that.  i also don't enjoy fruit on my pizza.  so that leaves me with meat, meat and of course more meat.  well this pizza had a topping i never would have thought of but totally worked, cashews.  the pie, sauce, loads of mozzarella, pepperoni and cashews.  sounds strange, but it was divine.  i wish i could remember the name of the pizza joint so you could try it if you are ever in the area, but my memory is failing me, just look at all the other things i had to remember.

there you go a trip to olympia.  a warm thank you to the yet to be named best-tour-guide-ever. 

twitterpated....

it's spring.  every creature is twitterpated.  do you remember this word?  first coined in 1942 in the movie bambi.  young bambi has just come out of hibernation, he is meeting his soon to be trusty sidekicks and every creature is happy.  the bunnies, butterflies, deer and even the flowers seem to be courting.  i love this classic.  however, i think this movie started a trend where disney kills off at least one parent.  disney has serious issues with a cohesive family unit, just rack your brain it is hard, to near impossible, to name a disney movie with a nuclear family, but i digress.

this morning, my kids and i got to see two chickadees in a frantic dance of love.  the sun was high in the sky with very little cloud cover.  the birds swirled and tumbled like an eddy in the ocean.  then they seemed to be playing a frantic game of tag-you're-it, carefully tapping each other with their feet or beaks and then sprinting away.  then these two love birds landed.  their game of tag turned into a game of leap frog with wings a fluttering.

this was such a sweet innocent site to behold.  there really is nothing quite like young love, new love, unabashed teenage love.  this was our birds.  we sat in our car, in the driveway, watching this carefully choreographed dance.  isn't it nice to stop and soak in the glorious world around you?

you may have already guessed where this is headed.  our story does not have a happy ending, my daughter might be scarred for life and i am convinced more than ever that my son has a twisted sense of humor much like his mothers.

when the birds landed, they didn't land in a lush field with rolling hills.  or on a sturdy branch budding out with blossoms and foliage.  oh no these two love birds landed on the pavement of a busy thoroughfare in my town.  if you recall there was a fatal hit and run in the exact same spot almost a year ago.  stupid birds.

as they played leap frog, blissfully oblivious to the eminent danger, a small passenger vehicle plowed into them.  sorry, there is not a nice way to say it.  one of the birds went tumbling down the center of the lane only to land breast up wings spread on the pavement.  the other bird shot into the grass like the eight ball in the corner pocket. 

a very audible gasp came out of my daughter's mouth.  followed by stunned silence.  then the smallest who voice said, "what just happened?"  oh dear.  operation make everything okay is on.  sometimes being a parent you have to think super fast and come up with something that makes sense, is informative but doesn't ensue more questions and hopefully you can smooth it over with a little bit of humor.  "oh beauty, i don't think they made it."  "what?  this is the worst day ever!"  "i think we have to look at it this way...they died in love and together.  it happened so fast they didn't feel a thing." 

my beauty sat in stunned silence on our commute to school, the entire 4 minutes, which is a record she is never quiet.  here is where my son comes in to the picture.  as any good little brother should he took this moment to twist the knife that just shattered his older sister's day. 

chick-a-dee-dee-dee

chick-a-dee-dee-dee

chick-a-dee-dee-dee

 

oh yes he did.  before i was able to shut that down, he very quietly trilled the chickadee's familiar song.  i told you he has a twisted sense of humor.  as his sister's face scrunched up in horror and after i stopped his pestering, i burst out into laughter.  not a quiet stifled laugh so as not to further twist the knife, but a laugh that gained momentum as it traveled from the core of my body out my mouth.  i quickly glanced back at my daughter just the very left corner of her mouth tilted.  an internal sigh fell this is only a small scar.

beetlejuice...

it's my birthday today.  i am thirty seven.  holy crap that number is starting to sound old.  anyway, in an attempt to not appear frumpy and old i selected this multi-striped black and white dress for work today.  i actually really like this dress it fits nicely, the fabric is like your favorite pair of pajamas, and i'm a huge fan of how the stripes are positioned.  but i started to rethink my selection after a comment from a complete stranger.

i went to starbucks this morning to get my free coffee.  yippee, i love free things. i got my usual even though i could've gotten something grander.  i am very much a creature of habit. 

as i was leaving there was a man, an older man, coming towards me.  he had a cheshire cat grin on his face.  it struck me as odd seeing as how he was walking alone, he wasn't looking at a phone, he didn't have a jawbone stuck to his head, nor was he wearing the new google glasses.  as he neared the grin grew bigger.  just as he came within earshot of me he says,

"ah, you chose your beetlejuice outfit today." 

 

i honestly didn't know how to respond.  such an off the wall comment.  is that a compliment or a put down?  i didn't know.  so i simply said, "thank you."  there wasn't much else to say.  no other words were exchanged.  we both kept walking.

 

for the record, i thought that movie was awesome!  i haven't seen it in years but i remember parts of it vividly.  i knew exactly what he meant when he said it, however i didn't think that when i bought this dress.   

 

thank you random stranger.  what he didn't know is that my morning hadn't started on the best foot, but this one quirky statement helped immensely.

cobwebs...

i have a friend who often asks me for a season or a reason? this friend will use this question in regards to many things; relationships, a new vice, my choice of beer. it really doesn't matter what i am talking to this friend about the same question is asked, kind of like an all purpose question. most of the time i have an answer, sometimes i have a blank stare "anyone? anyone?"

so what happens when your reason ends up being a season?

for today's discussion i am going to be referring to a friendship. a friendship that i always thought i would have, but have lost. a friendship that i thought i was nourishing, but was i doing enough?

sometimes there are people who come into my life that i latch onto. i pull that person into my chest and give them a cozy home in my heart. i may not need to talk to them all the time or even see them regularly but i consider them a true friend.

in february of this year i lost one of these people. their cozy home is starting to fill with cobwebs. at first their departure was very painful. a month or so later and the sting isn't as potent. however there are triggers and i have a moment. for instance, this past easter was the first holiday in years that i haven't wished this human a happy "fill in the blank". it was strange.

today i am doing a no-no, i am examining that friendship from the beginning to the abrupt end. in every relationship there are two parties that contribute to the success or demise of that relationship. this friendship is no exception and if i am going to be completely honest i contributed more to the demise than the success.

i wanted this friendship to be a reason but i treated it like a season. as we know seasons change and end. so did my friendship. in order for relationships to be successful it is imperative that both parties be honest, give and receive. this human got to see every shadowy corner of my being except for one. once i was brave enough to share this corner the contents weren't relevant anymore. it was too late.

i will probably always wonder, if i had found the courage to share that corner when the contents held value would we still be friends, but there is no way of knowing. i suppose what i am getting at is simply this if someone is important to you nourish that relationship in such a way that they will never want to leave.



bachelor x...

the other night i text two of my friends the same picture with the same caption

 

 

how about this one?

  

believe it or not this is not the inmate! 

 

there is a reason why i send things to two different friends.  i am going to give you their answers and maybe you can see why.

 

friend A:  nice looking - his quote made me laugh...so i would assume he had a sense a humor.

 

friend B:  LOL!!!!!!!!!! followed by two emoticons one of a police officer and the other a purple demon looking thing.

 

hopefully you can see that my friends come from opposite ends of the spectrum.  this is kind of funny to me seeing as how they are both married, working mothers.  you would think that they would be on similar planes but clearly they are not. 

 

friend A has been fired as an official member of the screening panel.