behind bars...

 

hello, how are you?  i am not on here a lot due to my current situation (i am incarcerated), but please read my profile and if you would like to give a different type of man a chance, i would enjoy the opportunity to call or write to you....

yep, you guessed it, i reluctantly put myself back on a dating website.  why?  i don't know i was bored.  when i have been on a site in the past i keep my profile hidden so i can selectively talk to who i would like, instead of having to deal with messages like this.

back to the message.

i think of myself as a pretty open minded individual.  i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this has baffled me.  why in the world does an inmate, a person who has been convicted of a crime and is serving out their sentence, get to have a dating profile?

my first thought was man this guy has a pretty good gig going.  he gets three hot meals a day, a weight room, internet access, he probably has cable, and a room to stay in.  let's see i get hot meals if i make them, there isn't anyone preparing my food.  i can't afford to belong to a gym, so no weight room, but i do hoof around two children and schlep all their junk.  with permission from my neighbor i use his internet.  i don't have cable.  we both have a room, there is something we have in common.

then my next thought went something like this what does a different type of man really mean?  does this mean that if i'm down i can learn the ropes and carry on whatever his "work" is?  maybe i can be a drug dealer like Mary Louise Parker in weeds?   or maybe it means that he has been unjustly accused and sentenced and if i just give him a chance i can help somehow?  or maybe he realizes that i simply don't have a great deal of luxury time to date and this would be the perfect situation?  i don't think i am ready for this different type of man.

then we come to the call or write option.  uh, heck no.  somehow giving my address to an inmate does not seem like a very good idea.  lets just say i strike up a "friendship" with this human and then change my mind.  he now knows where i live and lets just assume that his sentence isn't a life sentence.  are you following me?  i've changed my mind about him, he knows where i live and is now a free man.  i don't really want this type of man showing up at my doorstep. 

as you can probably guess, i did not respond this inquiry.  not even to say, "no thank you."  i'm still not sure why inmates get to create profiles on dating websites, but i suppose there are women out there who are into this kind of thing?  i am not one of those women. 

time to reload...

do you have a starbucks app on your phone?  if you don't, you should.  this is by far one of my favorite apps made.  every time i use it, i  really mean every time, i say, "i love that, makes my day!"  you will have to get the app to understand my joy. 

anyway, about a month ago, i was wanting a cup of coffee.  i pulled up my app and noticed there was only a dollar and some change.  in the times of ridiculously overpriced coffee, less than two dollars wasn't going to get me a free sample.   there is this magic button that you press that says "reload".  you get to choose the dollar value you want to add and it automatically takes the money from the account you have linked to the app. 

i always choose $25.00.  it is the smallest amount you can select and seriously if i am needing more than $25.00 at a time i might have a serious caffeine problem.  so i go through the steps; select the dollar amount, select continue transaction and wait.  usually there is a message that says something about the transaction has been completed it may take up to 24 hours to appear on your card. 

not this time. instead of success i got an error message that read something like this: we're sorry there was an error with our system and your transaction could not be completed.  please try again later.

hmmm?  i checked my balance, it still said a dollar and change.  bummer.  so i went to work.  instead of fancy coffee i had a cup of drip coffee with equal and coffeemate.  definitely not a good substitute for fancy coffee.  i would've rather had my drip coffee with homemade creamer, but what is a caffeine deprived human supposed to do?

moving on.  i checked my app later in the day and it still showed a balance of a buck and change so i tried again. i got the same error message.  like a fool i tried it one more time.  again getting the same error message.  by this point i was totally annoyed with my favorite app. 

fast forward to the next day.  i thought i should check on the app.  maybe there was a big glitch, or i missed an update, or some other super techy thing that i can't even begin to understand.  i went to my homepage and low and behold i had a balance of $76 and some change!  if i was an easy "passer-outer" i can guarantee i would have passed out.

here is where the problem lies, i don't have an extra $75.00 to spend at starbucks.  however since i had this money to spend there, and they have food, the kids and i frequented starbucks much more than usual, getting things that we normally wouldn't get; cake pops, breakfast sandwiches and other delicacies.

my son reminded me during one trip that there was a lady who was going to eat all her meals at starbucks for the year 2013.  for a brief moment i wondered how her endeavor was going. 

anyway, if you have this app you should be cautious about reloading it.  even if you get an error message that your transaction could not be completed, it doesn't necessarily mean that.  trust me once they have your money they don't give it back. 

beano required...

frequently i look at diets and exercise routines that promise to tone, tighten and flatten problem areas.  in addition to all of that there is a money back guarantee to lose weight, feel great and find a man.  just kidding, man not included.  i have never been a dieter, unless of course you subscribe to the "eat everything and anything you want" diet.  i am a big supporter of that.  i also have commitment issues when it comes to sticking with an exercise routine.

i honestly don't have a distorted body image.  i have seen women my same age who look better and some who look worse, so overall i am not doing too bad.  my issue lies with the fact that i don't look like i did when i was younger and i know that as i get older it is only going to be harder to maintain the shape i currently have.  with that i am lazy and would prefer a quick fix instead of hard labor, but logically i know that is an unhealthy, unrealistic expectation.

so i battle.  i battle with the number on my scale.  if you know my scale story, you remember that it, my scale, thinks i am a 38 year old man.  i should probably use another scale since i can't figure out how to change the preset or better yet just not have a scale.  i battle with my clothes that frequently feel like they are strangling me.  battle with accepting compliments about myself.  alright i battle in general, i should be clad in armor, have long unruly locks with a name like xena, but that name is already used.  hmmm...i'm open to suggestions.

anyway, when i am looking at these diets that claim to reduce "the pooch", "drop 10 pounds by friday" and it is thursday, or any of the other "suck you in" headlines, there is vital food missing from their recommended diet.  apparently to achieve this quick fix you must eat like an herbivore.  stuffing your face with every known vegetable, the grosser the better, and fruit you can think of.  eww!  you must also drink these water concoctions with things like dandelion root in it.  have you ever pulled up a dandelion and thought, "hey that looks tasty, i think i'm going suck on the root for a bit?"  heck NO, because it is gross!

i don't know about you, but i tend to get really bloated when i eat veggies.  i can feel my abdomen swelling with noxious gasses.  i wonder if it has to do with the fact that i prefer my veggies raw instead of cooked?  i should probably take beano, but i haven't brought myself to purchase this type of product.  checking out with beano has to be right up there with buying hemorrhoid cream? it is one of those moments where you refuse to make eye contact with the checker, avoiding small talk with a predator's stare on the debit card machine.  you know those moments right? 

why can't there be a diet where you don't have to take beano, you don't have to drink dandelion roots, and you don't have to eat two cantaloupes a day?  maybe one with pizza?  not a cauliflower crust pizza either.  i'm sorry but you can't make mashed up cauliflower taste like delicious pizza crust!  since i haven't come across a great quick fix and i'm not planning on buying beano anytime soon, i will continue with what has worked so far "eat whatever in moderation".

thoughts to paper...

late sunday afternoon, after spending the entire morning in my pj's on my couch, i quickly cleaned up and headed off for some afternoon writing.  for some reason i felt inspired to pick up my story and work on it a bit.  i hadn't touched it in two years.  the stack of papers have dutifully been collecting dust patiently waiting for me to bring them to life.

i found a quiet booth at a noisy establishment, ordered a medium sized beer, turned to a blank page in my notebook, placed a fresh stack of sticky notes on the table, lined up multiple colored pens, and unclipped my dusty stack of text.  step one: read through it.

like any good reader i started with page one.  as i made my way to the bottom of the first single-spaced, typed page of text, i remembered why i had put it down in the first place.  it is hard to read.  is it hard to read because it is my story?  is it hard to read because the words punch you in the gut and take your breath away?  is it hard to read because i am a terrible writer and it doesn't make sense? 

i find it hard to read because it brings me back to a day that i wish had never happened.  every emotion i felt that particular day came rushing back.  emotions that i didn't have and i think i should've, beg to be answered.  i think it is actually the latter that troubles me more. 

i didn't get much past the first page.  i did come up with a new angle on how to present my story, but reading it now seems flimsy.  i should stick with the first thought because it is like a punch in the gut.  having a strong opening that intrigues you to read more is a must. 

like my actual life, my story is a work in progress.  a rough draft.  just thoughts to paper.  in time i may find a compelling way to share it?  the draft will become a final version, the thoughts will create a movie in your head, and the cover can close for me. 

love at first sight...

do you believe in love at first sight?  i don't, but maybe that is just because it hasn't happened to me.  i believe in lust at first sight.  is it shameful to say that has happened to me several times?  anyway, i happened to go on a date, kind of, last night.  clearly there is more but first you need the back story.

the how, what, where i met this human isn't important, but the rest is interesting enough.  on tuesday, just this past tuesday, as in three days ago tuesday, we went on an impromptu lunch.  i had 90 minutes that i could sneak away from school.  it is spirit week at school and being the fun enthusiastic mom i am, i was in costume.  thankfully it was sports day and not crazy hair day, or mismatch clothes day, or heaven forbid pajama day.  however i was clad in spandex, running shoes, a beat up long sleeve t-shirt and my hair was pulled back so all you saw was face, lots of face.  i did warn him that i wasn't dressed for a date, which turned out to be okay because he was coming from the gym.

lunch was fun.  lots of laughter, no weird uncomfortable pauses, easy going.  prior to lunch we had planned on meeting up on thursday night.  after our quick lunch date we both agreed that thursday evening was still on.  great news, right? 

fast forward, two days, not two weeks or two months, two days.  that is 48 hours if you like to count by hours, we can make it seem longer if we use minutes, but seriously folks it was just two days.  he had dinner plans with his folks and his daughter, it was his birthday, and we had agreed to meet after dinner around 7pm.

we met in a public place.  i got there first, i knew he was running late, he had text saying he was stuck in traffic.  when he got there, i jumped out of my car to see what the plan was.  there was no plan.  he said he needed to look at alarm clocks for his daughter.  so we went into the store.  at some point inside the store things took a drastic turn.

we made our way to the alarm clock section.  he was handsy, touched my shoulders, the back of my neck, my waist.  i didn't mind, i'm not one who shies away from being touched.  we looked at alarm clocks, there wasn't anything that was going to work.  then talked about what to do next.  the day before we had talked about going for ice cream, this is what i thought was coming next.

we start to make our way to the exit and he said he needed to use the restroom.  so i sat on the bench and waited.  he came out, we were walking back to our vehicles and he mentioned he wasn't hungry and didn't want to go to ice cream.  so naturally i asked, "what do you want to do?"  not sure what i was expecting him to say, but i didn't see this coming.

"i think i'm going to go home.  it's been a long day, i'm moody and i just want to go home.  hope that doesn't rub you the wrong way."

i'm sure the, deer in the headlights, look on my face is what prompted him to continue talking.  "i think you're nice but i think i would've felt something by now."  now my deer in the headlights look is complete with a slack jaw.  there really isn't anything to say but, "oh, okay.  thanks for your time."

so there is the story which brings me back to the beginning.  what do you expect when you are just meeting someone?  i think it is really easy to connect with someone through text/email, but an in person connection is much more difficult and extremely important.  i am a firm believer in "spark" and maybe i misread the handsy, easy laughter, wanting to see me again as spark, but i really don't think i am that clueless. 

so the date lasted all of ten minutes.  i went home.  haven't heard a word since.  end of story. 

erased...

i find it interesting when humans take drastic measures to erase someone from their life.  maybe you change your name, change your phone number, move homes, or in this day and age delete people from your social media avenues.  it is so easy to remove the presence of someone, but they are never really gone. 

i have done this.  not moved, that is way too much work, moving sucks.  or changed my number, i have troubles remembering my number now why would i change it?  or changed my name. have you ever changed your name legally?  pain in the rear!  this is only a viable option if you are in the witness protection program, on the run or you are required by law.  but i have deleted one person from my social media avenues.  it was a childish move on my part.  i acted out in the moment because i felt wronged.  after i cooled off i realized how immature i was being and made amends.

have you done this?  have you deleted, unfriended or defriended (not sure which is the grammatically correct way to say this),  or erased someone?  do you think about how that person will feel when you decide to take this step?  when you do this are you expecting some sort of retribution? 

maybe you are feeling miffed and want to stick it to them?  does your internal dialogue go, "i'm going to show them?"  mine did when i deleted that one person.  i was bound and determined to say, "you don't matter to me, it was nothing."  it didn't work, that person didn't even notice, and i looked like the batshit crazy person i was being.  jokes on me. 

maybe you feel like you are doing that person a favor and sparing their feelings?  is your internal dialogue saying, "i care about you and don't want to hurt you further, so i'm going to spare you from seeing my new life."?  i think this is a way to make things okay in your own head and really has nothing to do with the other person, but i could be wrong.  i've been wrong many, many times.

maybe you simply don't want to be reminded of that person anymore?  the feeling, the support or the friendship that you used to have isn't there anymore and you want to forget it was ever there.  the whole "blocking" feature makes it super convenient to erase seeing your past, but do you really forget?

lastly there is this, you are going to act in a way that they don't expect.  be the exact opposite of everything you've been up to this point so that the erased person is glad you are gone?  i don't know about you, but this just leaves me with more questions. 

in my experience our memories are with us forever.  we have triggers that transport us to a time, whether it be good or bad, we are trying to forget and forces us to remember.  those triggers can be anything; a smell, a song, a certain way someone touches you, the way the sun shines through the clouds, the sound of waves crashing on the beach, maybe even a phrase that was part of an inside joke between you and someone else. 

for me, it doesn't really matter the lengths someone takes to erase me, i will always have a memory of that person.  after the initial sting wears off, i almost always choose to remember the wonderful things about that person and what they once contributed to my life. 

with that i say

 

thank you for your friendship. 

i wish you the best

h

 

the end...

have a good night.

 

if you read this just as it is written it is a seemingly benign sentiment.  a pleasantry from one human being to another.  a message filled with warmth.  a feel good moment of connection with someone who means you no harm.

 

the problem is humans don't always say what they mean.  we have all purpose statements.  sometimes we say them and mean exactly what they say and other times we same them out of habit, and then there are times we say them hoping that the recipient will understand what we are too cowardly to say outloud.

 

those four words, have a good night, were delivered laced with acid.  they read with a finality that i never saw coming or ever expected to receive.  when i read them my breath caught in my throat, my stomach flipped over and a tear ran down my face.  i was intensely mad, immensely hurt and in complete shock.

 

as much as i believe everything happens for a reason i cannot see why this turn of events has happened.  most of the time this seems to be the case.  we invest in things that crumble.  could it be just a human flaw or is there a purpose for our lack of vision?