i am divorced....

i was recently at the doctor's office getting my wrist x-rayed.  if you remember i took a big fall, then fell again, and well my wrist just plain hurts and i was finally ready to get answers.  it is normal.  go figure.  doc seems to think i am experiencing carpal tunnel symptoms.  this just means that i get to wear my "super hero" brace.  i should really get two so i can put my arms up to form a cross and ward off evil spirits or something.  oh my, i am way off track.  this happens to me a lot, i get side tracked by the funny happening in my head.

so anyways, i was checking in and the receptionist was updating my information.  when she asked me my marital status, i hesitated... and quietly answered, "i am divorced".  for some reason this has stuck in my head.  i keep replaying just that portion of my conversation.  i feel like i am rolling a gobstopper around in my mouth waiting for that moment when you have sucked on it long enough to chomp into it. 

huh? you say.  well like always i am torturing myself.  replaying that conversation trying to figure out why it bothers me so much to say "i am divorced".  i have said before that i made a conscious decision to change my life, get out of an unhealthy situation and hopefully find something that is healthy, stable and good.  this is a decision that should be celebrated, but somehow i find it shrouded in shame.  so in true heather form, i am putting it out to the world hoping that if i talk in enough circles it will make sense to me.

many, many marriages end in divorce.  i am not the only gal standing on the outside of the marital bliss huddle.  i think in this day and age there are far more people circling the marital huddle than are actually in it.  i am blessed that my closest friends in life are married couples.  i see that their lives aren't always sunshines and rainbows but i think as a gal looking to join the huddle it is beneficial for me to see that it can be done.  i am again getting off topic, my mental picture of the marital huddle is intriguing to me and i want to enjoy it for a few more minutes....

~pause~

okay, i've had my moment, i'm ready to continue on with why this is bugging me.  the best i can come up with is that although being divorced it isn't all that uncommon, unless the person who is asking you this knows the circumstances they judge you.  i am guilty of this.  when i hear that someone is divorced i start wondering why?  what happened in their marriage that they just couldn't hack it?  it's not really fair to automatically jump to, "grass is greener, things got hard and you gave up, or you must've been young when you got married", but i think it is a pretty human thing to do. 

so like i said previously, the decision to change my future and stop allowing myself to be treated poorly is  something to be celebrated, however shouting, "I AM DIVORCED" seems wrong, but hanging my head in shame seems even more wrong.  is there a happy medium between respecting yourself enough to take charge and being ashamed that you chose wrong the first time around?