memory lane...

at the beginning of this month, my office moved back into our building that had been through a fire two years ago.  while our building was being put back together, most of our stuff was put in storage, including the contents of my desk.  the recovery company packed it all so i never saw what went into the box, until i unpacked it.  the walk down memory lane was fun and sad all at the same time. thumbing through my belongings i found something i had written dated January 24th, the year wasn't included.

some days i feel like i've come so far in my personal growth.  i sit and think wow, "you are incredible heather" then there are days when i cringe at how far i have regressed and that dialogue goes like this "what the f*#k is wrong with you" i have to say i much prefer the first dialogue!

there are no names, or even an inclining of what was going on in my life to tell what i was upset or elated with myself about, but it's obvious i've been this conflicted person for a very long time.  i often struggle with how i feel i should handle situations.  for instance, i can't stand it when i get blown off, but i am guilty of doing this to other people.  when it happens to me, i dissect every interaction i've ever had with that person, replay the conversations, and look for some egregious act on my behalf that i need to apologize for.  however, when i do it to someone else, i mentally come up with a list of justifications as to why i can't follow through on an obligation i've made, but those justifications never leave my mind.  i often chicken out and forget the next step which is to share with the other person that i can't follow through. i know that this is the polite thing to do, but i feel bad that i'm failing at friendship. i'm guessing i'm not the only person who struggles with this since i get blown off frequently.

i also found a collection of things from a friend who i miss a lot and who has been on my mind lately. we have had a falling out, something i never ever thought would happen, but it did.  one of the things is a coupon that i got for my birthday to go play darts, something we used to do often.  there is an expiration date that says: this shall expire if not redeemed before i move, die, or become too old to remember who on earth you are...i was so tempted to reach out when i found this in the box, i almost sent a picture text asking if i could still redeem my game of darts, but i opted for a tear session instead.  the tears were involuntary, all the trinkets i had kept that mapped our friendship hit me hard and i was devastated all over again that our friendship was over.  if you are wondering i couldn't bring myself to get rid of any of it and it is displayed on my desk just as it was pre-fire and pre-falling out.

there were some happy things in my box of treasures.  i found pictures of bethy and i from the first mamma christmas.  i have my short boy haircut and bethy looks gorgeous as always.  there were pictures of some of my other mamma friends: due, ryan, and trickey.  they gave me signed teacher school pictures one year and i had them hanging at my desk.  my boss had added labels of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" to their pictures one morning and those were still attached. countless pictures of my kiddos.  this totally awesome drawing from my son in which ash and I have arms longer than we are tall and odd rectangular bodies.  we are holding hands and only have smiles with no eyes on our faces.

my walk down memory lane was a myriad of emotions.  i have grown a lot, gained a lot, lost a lot, and oddly enough i am still in the same place. a mother to two amazing kids, i have the same friends (minus the aforementioned), and i struggle with the same inner turmoil.  there is some comfort realizing that despite everything i am still me.  that incredibly awkward girl fumbling through life one moment at a time.

superman, i'll never be...

for the most part, i am totally okay with getting older.  i don't mind the increasing wrinkles around my eyes and mouth.  i don't mind the few random gray hairs.  i don't mind that i rarely get carded, but want to kiss the person that asks to see my id.  i don't mind that i am completely out of touch with young adults.  i don't mind that night driving is becoming increasingly difficult.  i don't even mind that i wear readers when doing extensive computer work.

however, there are a few things that i really don't care for.  one of them has to do with my chin hairs, aka speaker wires.  i only have two, like a catfish, and they are the thickest darkest hairs i have ever seen. sometimes i think i should keep them, because they are so strong i could probably use them to stab someone if i was ever attacked, but i quickly change my mind choosing vanity over safety.

i don't really care for the fact that my "winter ass" is now a year round ass.  i know that i can easily remedy this, but i make every excuse under the sun not to.  my biggest issue with my winter ass is that it limits my wardrobe choices.  you all know i have a giant wardrobe, but there are several things that i really want to wear and i cannot get into them.  sometimes i fudge that a little, like today.  i get to bethy's house this morning and she takes a quick look at my outfit and says, "i feel like you need to tuck."  my shirt is over the waist band of my skirt.  i replied, " i can't do that." "why?" "i can't zip my skirt up all the way!" in between the giggles bethy was able to say, "i love you!"

my newest ailment, if you can call it that, is really bothering me. i have been noticing that my foot has been bothering me.  it's not a constant pain, or even a shooting pain, but more of a dull ache taunting me to take a peak.  during the day i keep myself busy enough that i don't usually notice it, but when i climb into bed to drift off to sleep my right foot starts to ache.  do you remember in cartoons when a character's toe is giant, red and pulsing?  that is exactly how my foot feels and it is in fact a toe that is bothering me.

last night i was having all sorts of problems staying asleep.  i fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, but my toes on my left foot started cramping which woke me up.  once i was up i noticed that my right foot was bothering me too.  i tried to ignore it by focusing on other things: rainbows, what i was going to wear the next day, how cozy my bedding is, an assignment that is due for class, a card i found in my desk from an old friend i haven't talked to in ages, but none of these were working. i ended up with too many thoughts swirling around in my head and my toe was still throbbing.  i couldn't take it anymore i had to see what was going on .

i turned on my reading lamp, swung my legs up to my pillow, and started inspecting the area.  to my horror i discovered a corn.  are you kidding me? only old people get corns!  i am only 38 how can i possibly have a corn on my toe?  so like any good investigator, i jumped on my computer and started looking up what to do.  short of going barefoot all the time, my best option is to change my footwear. this is not okay with me.  i adore my uncomfortable, stylish heels and refuse to start wearing orthopedic shoes so that my toes has a little more wiggle room.

this getting older thing definitely has some pitfalls.  pretty soon you are going to see me with carefully filed speaker wires for maximum protection, crocs, and some elastic waist pants.  i'm going to try and pass this off as a new age super hero. i'm sure i won't look nearly as cool as superman, but it could work.