midstream...

having the flu as an adult is the pits.  i recently had a flu experience like none other.  the last time i was this sick was on thanksgiving a few years ago.  it was so bad i missed black friday shopping with the girls and i lost 8 pounds in 4 days.  great weight loss program if you don't mind a raw butt from endless crapping and constant heartburn from throwing up repeatedly.  if i had my choice i would rather starve myself and be amped up on diet pills than endure that again.

anyway, this whole thing started on a thursday.  it was my time to bring lunch in for the office.  i made a pesto chicken recipe that i had been wanting to try but didn't want to try out on my kids.  i felt fine when i woke up, but once i got to work i could feel something coming on.  by the time lunch rolled around, i felt like a giant sand worm was trying to climb out of my stomach through my throat.  there was something coming but still trying to wiggle its way to the surface.

the boss man is always very excited for lunch on thursday.  he came bounding down the hall exclaiming "lunch time!"  with a sour look on my face i came out of my office to explain what lunch was and that i wasn't going to be eating it.  the conversation went like this:

me: enjoy.  i'm not eating that.
boss man:  is there something wrong with it?
me: nope, i just can't eat it.
boss man: why?
me:  i will puke if i eat that.
boss man:  are you sure there's nothing wrong with it?
me: no, i just don't feel good.  i don't want to risk it.

feeling brave, the office dished up lunch and headed for the break room.  i joined them, pushed away from the table, holding down the sand worm.  as lunch continued the boss man kept commenting on how my skin was getting paler and lobbing your typical puke jokes across the table at me.  i can't remember any of them now, but i was a good sport and laughed.  towards the end of lunch, i leaped out of my chair and raced down the hall to the restroom.  needless to say i was sent home.

by the time i made it home, i was shaking uncontrollably, my whole entire body hurt, i had the chills, a headache and a fever.  i still hadn't dislodged the sand worm, it was still working its way up my esophagus.  i decided to change out of my work clothes into my cozies.  i realized i had to use the restroom so into my little bathroom i headed.  on my way there the urge to pee was getting stronger, but before i could get there i peed all over myself.

as soon as i started peeing, i was trying to stop midstream, because i wasn't at the potty yet.  however, i couldn't stop.  what the heck?  since when can't i control my bodily functions?  aren't i too young for these types of problems?  i don't want to have to start wearing adult diapers!

so not only do i feel terrible, and getting worse by the moment, but my sand worm is still lodged in my throat, i have a puddle to clean up, and i need to take a shower.  the shower was an awful experience.  i like a super hot shower, but when you feel bad hot showers don't feel good and the water felt like tiny daggers being shot at me.  horrible experience.  so everything is cleaned up, the bathroom and myself, i'm in my cozies and go to lay down.

wouldn't you know it, i have to pee again.  and once again i don't make it to the bathroom.  what in the world kind of sickness is this that you lose bladder control. i am thankful it is just pee and i'm not pooing all over, but seriously this is an embarrassing thing for one to endure.  i get everything cleaned up, again, and call my mom.  for those of you who aren't aware, my mom is a nurse.  i rarely go to the doctor, i opt to call mom first.  i'm also really bad at calling my parents, so they get super excited when i call.

the phone is ringing and mom answers:
mom:  heather!  how are you?
me: ugh. hi mom.  i need nurse mom.
mom: oh okay, what's the matter?
me: i have some sort of flu, but there is a strange side effect.  i have no bladder control and have peed myself twice.
mom: snickering on the other end of the line.  then does it hurt to pee?
me: no.
mom: does it have an odor?
me: uh, no!  i just can't control it.
mom: probably just part of the virus, that should go away.

this really wasn't the best news, but it certainly wasn't terrible news.

over the next couple of days, i tested my abilities by attempting to stop midstream. i was able to make it to the facilities without any mishaps, after my two mishaps, but it took the whole weekend to regain midstream stoppage.  coincidentally by the end of the weekend i was also feeling much, much better.

this was the weirdest flu experience i've ever had.  i never threw up but that sand worm stayed lodged in my throat until my fever went away.  speaking of the fever i had that for two and half days.  the body aches were present for a few days as well as the chills.  and the peeing, well i'm glad that wasn't a lasting side effect.