i am divorced....

i was recently at the doctor's office getting my wrist x-rayed.  if you remember i took a big fall, then fell again, and well my wrist just plain hurts and i was finally ready to get answers.  it is normal.  go figure.  doc seems to think i am experiencing carpal tunnel symptoms.  this just means that i get to wear my "super hero" brace.  i should really get two so i can put my arms up to form a cross and ward off evil spirits or something.  oh my, i am way off track.  this happens to me a lot, i get side tracked by the funny happening in my head.

so anyways, i was checking in and the receptionist was updating my information.  when she asked me my marital status, i hesitated... and quietly answered, "i am divorced".  for some reason this has stuck in my head.  i keep replaying just that portion of my conversation.  i feel like i am rolling a gobstopper around in my mouth waiting for that moment when you have sucked on it long enough to chomp into it. 

huh? you say.  well like always i am torturing myself.  replaying that conversation trying to figure out why it bothers me so much to say "i am divorced".  i have said before that i made a conscious decision to change my life, get out of an unhealthy situation and hopefully find something that is healthy, stable and good.  this is a decision that should be celebrated, but somehow i find it shrouded in shame.  so in true heather form, i am putting it out to the world hoping that if i talk in enough circles it will make sense to me.

many, many marriages end in divorce.  i am not the only gal standing on the outside of the marital bliss huddle.  i think in this day and age there are far more people circling the marital huddle than are actually in it.  i am blessed that my closest friends in life are married couples.  i see that their lives aren't always sunshines and rainbows but i think as a gal looking to join the huddle it is beneficial for me to see that it can be done.  i am again getting off topic, my mental picture of the marital huddle is intriguing to me and i want to enjoy it for a few more minutes....

~pause~

okay, i've had my moment, i'm ready to continue on with why this is bugging me.  the best i can come up with is that although being divorced it isn't all that uncommon, unless the person who is asking you this knows the circumstances they judge you.  i am guilty of this.  when i hear that someone is divorced i start wondering why?  what happened in their marriage that they just couldn't hack it?  it's not really fair to automatically jump to, "grass is greener, things got hard and you gave up, or you must've been young when you got married", but i think it is a pretty human thing to do. 

so like i said previously, the decision to change my future and stop allowing myself to be treated poorly is  something to be celebrated, however shouting, "I AM DIVORCED" seems wrong, but hanging my head in shame seems even more wrong.  is there a happy medium between respecting yourself enough to take charge and being ashamed that you chose wrong the first time around? 

growing pains...

if love becomes so painful, let it go and save yourself.  you can find another love but not another self ~Unknown

i pulled this from a friend's facebook page. 

if you read my blog then you are aware that my blissful relationship has taken a sour turn.  i am calling it growing pains.  we all have them.  i think they are unavoidable.  there are tons of growing pains in relationships, whether that be in a business relationship, with your best friend, your parents, your children,  your life partner, or even yourself.   how we face, deal and move past them can determine our success. 

i am not an expert in relationships.  in fact i am very green around the gills when it comes to a functioning adult relationship.  i actively participated in a very dysfunctional marriage.  i don't want to make the same mistakes that i made before, but i find myself falling into old patterns.  it is frustrating to be able to recognize that you are repeating history, but seem unable to do it differently.

i think i approach situations from a very rational logical perspective.  for some reason when i am faced with a "make or break", i throw all my rationale out the window and my perspective gets all foggy.  the end result, i end up agreeing to something that i know doesn't work for me.  this drives me completely bananas.  a character trait that i absolutely can't stand about myself, but seeing as how i am 35 and have done this ever since i can remember, i don't see this changing anytime soon, sigh.

so how can i ease these growing pains?  when my kids bodies are growing i give them tylenol.  i don't think this works for the psyche.  some would say pray about it, others say find an outlet like working out, find a hobby, see a therapist...i don't know the options seem endless.  for me, finding a way to deal is often times just as overwhelming as actually dealing. 

i have my "sounding boards", the people in my life who i tell everything to, because i am a person that typically needs to "talk it out", listen to my voice or see it written from a hundred different perspectives before i can wrap my head around the issue and make sense of it.  these select people have different backgrounds and they are of different genders, but they all have an interesting perspective on things.  i don't want them to tell me what i want to hear, because that is counter productive.  i rely on them for their objective view as an outsider.  they usually don't agree and give me very different advice, but in this case, they are all in agreeance. 

so why have i dug my heels in?  why have i taken the advice of my sounding boards, tossed it out the window and stood my ground defiantly?  a few weeks back i wrote about not being able to make a decision and just waiting to see what happens, standing at the intersection of uncertainty.  i reread that post yesterday and realized i am not any closer to making a decision.  each choice i have (walking away or trudging forward) comes with big consequences.  neither of which i am ready to make let alone face.   

and here is what i am learning, that while i have been standing at the intersection wondering what to do he has been there too, at the same intersection trying to make the same decision.  we have been on opposite sides of that intersection.  we have said some unfair things to each other, stomped our feet, shed some tears, threw our hands up the in air and then sat down.  neither of us refusing to budge, neither of us willing to make a decision of what to do, basically we are just staring each other down.

through the process of our temper tantrum we are growing as a couple and learning about each other's strengths and weaknesses...growing pains. the process isn't fun, but it is necessary.  when i do get to a point where i can commit to a path i will have gained at least one thing...more knowledge about myself.  which i think is priceless. 

spring soccer...

i was going through my post list and found this....not sure why i never posted it.  maybe i had more thoughts and forgot to jot them down.  maybe i thought i pressed "post" and really didn't.  who knows.  but i will say this, as i am entering another soccer season, this time fall, i have the same feelings.  it hasn't gotten bone chilling cold yet, but i know it will come.  so for all of my soccer families out there...this is for you.  bundle up!

it is 10:46pm on a tuesday evening.  i have been chilled to the core.  i climbed in bed the moment i got home at 7:30pm, hoping to find some warmth.  as you know i sleep most nights alone, so i don't have the comfort of a warm manly body next to me.  in an attempt to warm quickly i put on my fleece pants and a long sleeve shirt, no socks i just can't my feet need to breath.  i have fleece sheets, a down comforter and an afghan on my bed.  i hunkered under the covers for a long time with a flashlight and my book.  i even drank some tea, hoping to warm myself from the inside out.  none of this has worked.  i am cold!

how did i get this cold?  well that is an easy question to answer.  i can answer it in 2 words...spring soccer.  oh joyous day, the season has begun.  i have been preparing for soccer season to start.  dragging out the bag of cleats and shin guards, somehow we have misplaced ash's shin guards.  finding every matched and mismatched pair of soccer socks in the house.  grabbing the two folding chairs, all workable and even one not so workable umbrella, the "soccer" blankets, packing a bag of extra dry clothes for everyone, all the rain boots in a bag plus extra plastic shopping bags to put them in once practice or a game is over, and every other cold weather item i can think of short of our snow suits and boots.  there is a lot that goes into gathering, prepping and arranging all the gear that is needed for soccer season.  the back of my car looks like i am ready to make a donation to the goodwill.

this spring season with both kids playing i get to spend monday through thursday at the soccer fields.  the parking is a nightmare.  the main lot is riddled with potholes big enough to swallow a small child, there are more cars than spaces available, the overflow lot is a field with a gravel potholed trail through it.  in this lot cars do not park in any sort of neat order, the spaces in between the cars vary, some pull too far forward others barely off the trail, all seem to sink in the soggy grass.  the league should offer free alignments and carwash passes at the end of the season.

the fields themselves are squishy, muddy, wet, and always windy.  i am not sure why, but regardless of the weather it is always freezing here.  for some reason the temperature seems to drop 10 degrees from the parking lot to the actual fields.  one should always bring an umbrella because if it isn't raining your umbrella makes a great windshield. 

the fields are truly a miserable place to be as a spectator, but for the players it is the coolest.  a place for comraderie and triumph.  a chance to get completely filthy and your parents don't care because that just means that you were giving your best effort.  a chance to creatively run into other players and not get in trouble.  a chance to be a part of something that is bigger than just you.  soccer is cool!

i can't think of any other place where i can see the sheer joy on my kid's faces.  they love the sport whether they are winning or losing, whether they make a goal or not.  for that reason alone, the joy that i see on my kid's faces, i love soccer too.  despite being frozen to the core and sopping wet, my heart is warm and overflowing with love for my kids. 

cloud five stinks...

World Wide Words: Cloud nine

 "on cloud nine" you hear this idiom a lot.  naturally this peeked my interest on where this expression originated from.  the link above gives a detailed explanation which i found fascinating.  this feeling of euphoric bliss is achieved on cloud nine. if there are clouds after nine they must be nirvana, eden, heaven...something that exceeds every worldly possibility you can imagine.  the clouds before nine aren't quite as glamorous.

i have reached cloud nine in the past, once in the not so distant past, but i have hopscotched my way back to cloud five or so.  i don't really like it here and don't plan on staying this far back from euphoric bliss for long and i certainly don't plan on finding cloud one.  cloud five stinks, i can't imagine residing on four, three, two or one. six, seven and eight aren't so bad.  i wouldn't mind making my way to any of those in the near future.

as you all know i have a really hard time turning off my brain and just letting things be.  i have never possessed this skill and most likely will never find it, let alone hone it.  as my brain continues to spin out of control i am being propelled towards cloud one.  i am looking for that elusive safety net that will catch me, reach back to touch cloud one and then catapult me past cloud five towards euphoria.

on cloud five i am neither happy nor sad, i just am.  when asked, "how are you?" my answer is "fine".  this is basically saying...mediocre, so-so, blah.  my life isn't superb nor is it horrible, it just is.  there is a void in my life right now.  my relationship has been in a holding pattern, the reasons behind it are complicated and i don't really want to go into them, but nevertheless the status of my relationship is what has brought me to cloud five.

maybe i shouldn't put so much energy or thought into something that has no guarantees or something that is relatively so new, but i don't know another way to do it.  really, there are no guarantees in life, we aren't even guaranteed that we will wake up everyday, so why wouldn't i give it everything i have?  i'm not really sure why people hold back it doesn't make sense to me. 

so as i continue to mull over things in my head and uncomfortably rest on cloud five the world around me continues to move forward.  sigh...

circus show...

the loonies are out in full force today.  i work on a very "colorful" block in everett.  the warmer months tend to bring out more of my colorful neighbors than the wetter cooler months.  my work is located close to the courthouse, across from a bar that serves $1.00 beers everyday starting at 11:00am, surrounded by transitional housing, a few businesses and a very active alley.  where i sit i have floor to ceiling windows on two sides that face the a major thoroughfare and the alley.  the alley has a slight grade to it, so i am kind sitting in a hole compared to the grade of the street. 

so everyday, i sit and watch the peeps that inhabit everett.  we have our regulars; chad.  i know his name because our mailman has been able to put  names with faces for me.  chad lives in an apartment across the street.  he appears to be in his 40's and has an affinity for chocolate milk, black clothing, and twirling.  everyday, rain or shine he stands outside his building, places a gallon of chocolate milk on the ground and twirls around the unload/load sign for hours.  he occasionally makes small talk with people who are also on the street, but most of the time he just twirls.  i rarely see him drink from his gallon of milk, but it is always gone by the time he heads back indoors. 

then we have the lady who yells at me in the alley.  she is also a resident of the block.  she frequently tells me how lucky i am that i have a job and gets angry if i don't stop to talk to her.  for some reason she always wants to talk to me when it is raining and i am just wanting to get out the weather.  i see her yelling at other people who are walking up the block, which makes me think maybe she isn't really yelling it's just how she talks. 

then there is the guy who pees in the alley.  this is really gross, but at least once a week he relieves himself.  what i find funny is that he casually walks down the alley, sidles up to the wall, looks both ways then whips it out and pees.  i want to yell at him, "dude i can see you", but it happens so fast i never get the opportunity to do so.

so the other day we had a man swinging from our awning.  on the outside of our building is a teal green awning, each awning is supported by four bars and there is a light fixture in the middle.  i was busily working at my computer when i saw something out of the corner of my eye and could hear some ruckus.  i looked over and there was a man traversing the block swinging from the bars of the awning.  he attempted to swing from the light fixture but it was not secure enough to support his weight so he got down.   that was a first, i hadn't seen that before.

there is a woman who stands on the corner who i think may have been a clown in a previous life.  she wears a really big floppy hat with some crazy get up.  her "act" she catches koosh balls with her bosom and then shimmies them out.  unfortunately i won't be able to see her show anymore, she was hauled off by the city police.  she didn't go quietly, created a huge scene and actually made the paper the next day.  hey sometimes we just want to see our name in print and don't really care how we get it.

today i saw a man "walking" his ferret down the sidewalk.  i use the word walking casually because really the man was dragging his pet.  at first i thought it might be a toy because the creature was very inanimate, but then it came alive and was fighting back...the little guy was back pedaling as fast as he could not wanting to continue down the street.  after several minutes the man picked up his feisty beast.  i wonder where they were headed??

everyday brings something new.  people throwing up, ambulances collecting passed out people in the alley, cops surrounding the buildings...i don't get too freaked out that is until they draw their weapons and tell us to stay inside our building with the doors locked, the lady that rolls her joint outside my window daily. i have seen fist fights, ladies who are only dressed from the waist up, and a man wearing a red gingham short and matching shirt outfit singing the mexican hat dance song.   if you are a people watcher, this is the place to be.  the activity slows down in the winter when it is soggy and cold, but the regulars are still here.