clean & single...

finding the perfect title is difficult.  naming these silly posts is difficult.  just as finding a headline for a dating profile is difficult.  i've done the online dating site thing a few times.  i'm thinking about updating the one i have and thought i would test it out here.

clean & single

clean:
no drug history
no criminal history
no std's
no cavities
no major health problems
no plastic surgeries of any kind

single:
completely over my ex husband
no residual relationships of any kind

* looking for a long term relationship (eventually), for now just someone to share a few laughs with and engage in some interesting conversation.  i am busy during the week, but have flexible time on the weekends.

get a clue...

random man: you owe me a dance
me: what? how do you figure?

random man: you owe me a dance

me: i don't dance 

(i grab my chair in a death grip and wrap my legs around the chair legs)

random man:  let go of the chair
(places his hand on my mine)

me: uh, don't tell me what to do

random man:  let go of the chair
(firmer grip on my hand)

me: you can't tell me what to do

random man gives up and walks away.  

human behavior never ceases to amaze me. in his defense, i never said no.  instead, i chose the classic seattle-passive-aggressive strategy.  obviously he wasn't picking up what i was putting down.  but, seriously if i wanted to dance with this random man, i would have jumped out of my chair to do so. 

this may come as a surprise, since i come across as pretty outgoing, but i don't like making a spectacle of myself.  when i said, "i don't dance" it is pretty accurate.  i dance in my house, in my car, in a chair where there is music, but getting up in front of people to dance, uh no.  it is along the same lines as singing karaoke, it's not happening.  

there have been a handful of times when i have danced with a stranger and i'm telling you it hasn't gone well. several years ago, at the casino, some old man asked me to dance.  he seemed harmless, he was so old.  he turned out to be the handsy-est man i think i have ever come in contact with, not to mention the song was hella long, and he propositioned me half way through.  i did not take him up on his offer to "see" his room. 

there was another time, my friend shreddie and i, got roped in to dancing with two gentleman to yet another looong song.  i swear we swayed back and forth for a good five minutes.  we danced so long, we had picked up the cd the band was selling and read the back.  no we were not interested in the dudes that had asked us to dance, but once you start you are kind of committed to seeing it through. 

anyhow, i've never understood men like the random man above. commanding a strange woman, wouldn't be the tactic i would use if i were a man, but it must work because i have encountered enough men who use this tactic. did he really think that i was going to have a change of heart and say oh my goodness, yes, let's dance!  well i didn't, but i did enjoy the music and did plenty of dancing in my seat. 

who are you...

as most of you know, i am a pinterest junkie.  i love all the home remedies for anything from colds to cleaning your washing machine.  i find inspiration for new ways to wear my tired clothes.  i get hungry looking at all the delicious food.  i pretend that one day i will be crafty and find tons of projects i am "going" to do.  i look at a gazillion different hairstyles in hopes that one day my hands will cooperate and actually make my hair look awesome. i have the most amazing virtual shoe closet with an equally impressive accessories wardrobe. yes, i am a pinterest junkie.

several months ago, it seemed that pinterest was inundated with fitness routine after fitness routine to achieve the elusive thigh gap.  the thigh gap was everywhere, so much so that i had to write about it.  my whole theory on the thigh gap is i can have one with the right amount of spread.  i prefer my slightly curvier build over the emaciated shape with the glorious thigh gap.

recently, i've noticed a plethora of step-by-step instructions for face contouring.  i have even seen the caption contouring the new photoshop.  much like the thigh gap, contouring is everywhere.  i will say that these ladies do look beautiful in their after contoured shots, but wow what a process to get there.  take a look:

as a woman who doesn't wear a ton of make-up, i don't understand why women do this to themselves.  i can't imagine being a dude.  you are out with an unbelievably gorgeous woman, her face is flawless, she has the perkiest tits, a super tight ass, and the most perfect hair.  you take this woman home and she climbs out of her "fake suit" to reveal her true self: after scraping off a pound of contouring make up, removing the cutlets and the lift and separate bra, releasing that perfect ass out of her spanx, and losing that full glorious hair to clip in extensions, you are looking at a person who somewhat resembles the lovely lady you were just with. if i were a dude, i would be saying, "who the f*#k are you?"

whatever happened to being yourself?  i wear make-up, not a lot, but enough to make me feel better. i wear a bra, but if you are a boob guy, i'm not your gal you will be disappointed.  i own spanx, and sometimes i wear them, but they are seriously the most unattractive garment around, they are definitely not date worthy undergarments.  hair extensions, well i could definitely use some, i have the thinnest finest hair around, but that is way too much work and upkeep for this girl.

i don't know about you, but it seems like we women go to the extreme to achieve what we think men want. however, i am inclined to think that although a man may love to look at the perfect woman, there is something to be said for what you see is what you get.  when i peel off my clothes and wipe off my make up at the end of the day, i certainly don't want to be on the receiving end of "who are you?"  i would rather be on the receiving end of "damn girl, you're hot, get over here!"

mom, try this...

last week, my ratchets and i went to an indoor trampoline park.  it is that exhausting, hope i don't pee my pants because i forgot to put my pee pad on, kind of fun.  ladies, you will understand this, men probably not, and children definitely not.  something happens in the aging process after having children, but sneezing, jumping, and any other jolt-y activities are a "do at your own risk" kind of thing. it doesn't really matter if you have recently used the facilities or not, sometimes you just dribble.

anyhow, we bounced around for a long time and then...

mom, try this!

my daughter bends herself in half, wraps her arms around her calves from the back, then jumps forward onto her back and pops up on to her feet.  she proceeded to traverse the entire length of the trampoline track this way.  just watching her made me dizzy.

oh my gosh, are you kidding?!

• how many people are here who will witness me attempting this
• what if i land on my head
• hopefully i don't fart
• i am way too old for this, and
• man it's fun to act like a kid

after a quick scan of the room, i took a shot at it, intent on showing my kids that i can still do things and i'm not the ancient dinosaur they always claim i am.  i bent over, wrapped my arms around my calves from the back, jumped forward onto my back and low and behold i popped right back up on my feet.  the only difference is i sat back down as fast as i popped up.  i was so dizzy i thought i was going to throw up or at the very least fall down.

my kids can twirl, swing, and flip over and over until they are blue in the face and never seem to get really dizzy. this is not the case for me. one flip on that trampoline and i was done.  i can do a regular somersault on the hard ground and i am just fine.  i can even do this twirly, roll-y thing; you sit on your rump, press the bottom of your feet together, let your legs fall apart (get your mind out of the gutter), grab your feet, then roll to one side.  when you have enough momentum you can roll around the room like that for quite some time and i can do this without getting dizzy.  but a somersault type thing on a bouncy surface sent me into the worst spins i've had since my recent bout with tequila.

anyway, the park was super fun.  i love that i am still able to get out there with my kids and more importantly that they still want to play with me.  stay young, play with your kids. 

bang on...

on valentine's day, my dear friend heather spruced up my tired look with a sassy fringe.  

tired old look 

sassy fringe

i have really enjoyed the fringe.  

the problem is my fringe was getting too long and kinda scraggly

i know right, what happened??

so i did what every last minute, spur of the moment, jojo retard-a-mo does

i went to the chop shop on the corner for a quick fix

i'm not really sure when i am going to learn my lesson

quick fixes rarely turn out great

this new set of fringe only looks good if i raise my eyebrows

too short and too thick

never a good combination

essentially i have to walk around looking surprised

 or i have a finger inserted where it shouldn't be 

take a look

ugh...why?

eyebrows are reaching for the sky

 thankfully bangs grow pretty fast

until then i will have the surprised face

sigh

an ostrich moment...

have you seen this before?  there seems to be a striking resemblance to the female reproduction system and a shark brain.  hmmm... just a heads up, the rest of this is going to focus around a woman's lady time, my lady time in fact, so if you aren't into bodily fluids, are squeamish with blood in general, or are eating lunch you might want to skip this altogether.

when i was in junior high, i played volleyball.  i remember we played an away game in everett somewhere.  in this particular gym the teams sat on one side of the court and the spectators sat in the bleachers on the other side of the court.  if you were on the bench, i was there quite often i wasn't very good, you were either watching the game or checking out all the people sitting in the bleachers.  at this particular game there was a woman spectator wearing white pants and yes, she was having a lady time issue, that she didn't seem to know was occurring.  i was late to blossom, so i hadn't had to deal with my lady time yet, but i didn't understand how you could NOT know when things were going awry.

let's jump forward several years.  there was a short couple of months i was spending some time with a fella i met through a mutual friend.  we had a great deal of fun, but i had a small problem.  it had absolutely nothing to do with his personality, looks or the direction he wanted to go.  he was and still is great.  i had two problems, one i wasn't in any position to attempt dating and two i don't even know how to tell you what happened because i still don't understand it.  i suppose i will just spit it out....every time i was around him i would start my lady time.  can a man's manliness really do this?  in "flo-land" it appears so, check this out.

at the time i was taking a form of birth control where i didn't have my lady time, it had been years since i had had it.  you can imagine my surprise to all of the sudden start bleeding.  i'm sure my sentiments were "WTF?"  my "situation" around him intensified to the point that i had to go on medication to even things out and quiet the mayhem. 

so, there was a time that i had stayed over at his place.  in my memory, his bed had pristine, crisp, white everything; pillow cases, sheets, comforter, extra blanket.  the whole ensemble was white. bright white.  it may have been different, but i know for sure there was a lot of white.  in the morning i got up and it looked like someone had been massacred on my side of the bed.  after checking myself for gaping wounds, i realized what had happened, but how did this even happen?  the "how could you NOT know" popped into my head and the best explanation i have is: i sleep like a rock.  the next time i went to his place, his bedroom ensemble had been switched out to something really dark.  if i remember correctly he said, "i was due for new bedding."  i was mortified to say the least.  ugh!

when you aren't prepared for this kind of event you are left in a scramble; no supplies, no extra clothes, no warning and certainly no explanation!  now, one would hope that they would have that experience only once in their lifetime.  as a woman in the down slope of her 30's you would think i have got things figured out by now.  well, i had the great fortune of repeating history.  however, the second time wasn't as extreme, but the conversation regarding the clean up was probably the most embarrassed i've been in a long time.

shout, resolve, simple green and some brush work.  finally getting somewhere!

brush work?! are you kidding me?  knowing that someone else, a man at that, is brushing my lady time out of his sheets is seriously an ostrich moment if i've ever heard of one.  there are a multitude of embarrassing moments i would've rather had to do: sing in public, be forced to run around naked at a family gathering, or wear a groucho marx nose with mustache and eyeglasses, except the nose is a penis, out to dinner (i've actually had to do this), or accidentally have my boob pop out of my bathing suit (which really isn't that great of a thing to witness, you would have to look closely to see anything).  what i'm getting at is anything would be better than a man brushing out your lady time!  sometimes being a woman sucks. 

raising the anchor...

i am the gal who will apologize even though i don't think it is my "fault". 

i am the gal who will hold onto something, whether it is good or bad. 

i am the gal you can use as your doormat. 

i am all of these things until i am done.  

once i hit my breaking point there is no more wiggle room or waffling. 

i simply raise the anchor and drift. 

it's time to sail.