question thirty-three...

last night, i spent my evening tucked away in the farthest table from the door in an irish bar, across from a gentleman who agreed to take the fall in love with anyone test with me.  i can't say that i magically fell in love with him, but we definitely shared some intense, stripped down, honest moments with each other.  there were also moments of giggling, contemplation, and even some huh? moments.  whether you are already in a committed relationship, on the dating train, or in a fledging entanglement this test, which is really a series of questions, is an easy way to get to know each other on a more intimate level.

the test, a series of thirty-six questions, broken up into three sections, with each section getting more personal and revealing.  we breezed through section one, took more time in formulating our answers in section two, and then we delved into section three.  the questions in section three were definitely more in depth and forced me to take a deep breath and trust my partner before answering honestly.  i felt that question thirty-three was the hardest one for me to answer.

33.  If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?  Why haven't you told them?

i listened intently as the question was read and sat there for a moment thinking about my answer.  before i could speak, my eyes started brimming with tears. there was a brief moment where i contemplated whether i really wanted to go with my first answer.  i knew i was going to, but seeing as how my partner didn't know my history, i wasn't sure i wanted to share this part of my life quite yet.  despite my reservation, i took a deep breath, fought back my tears and revealed:

i would regret not telling my ex-husband that i am proud of him. 

 

saying those ten words out loud took me at least a minute to utter.  my partner was staring at me intently, absorbing every word i said.  he grabbed my hands and squeezed them gently.  it was a very comforting gesture at a time of complete transparency and vulnerability.  when i was able to swallow the lump in my throat and dry my tears i had to answer the second part of the question.

 

i don't want to open up that can of worms.

 

without having to explain further, my partner said, "i totally understand." i was thankful that I didn't have to continue explaining.  we sat there for several minutes digesting the heaviness of the moment. 

 

we completed the thirty-six questions and sat in near silence, just looking at each other.  it is unusual to get to that level of intimacy and share information about yourself in a very transparent way with a near stranger.  i felt like we didn't know what to say after all was said and done.  somehow asking about the weather seemed ridiculous.  i'm not sure what will become of the my test partner and i, but i'm positive we will remain friends. 

 



memory lane...

at the beginning of this month, my office moved back into our building that had been through a fire two years ago.  while our building was being put back together, most of our stuff was put in storage, including the contents of my desk.  the recovery company packed it all so i never saw what went into the box, until i unpacked it.  the walk down memory lane was fun and sad all at the same time. thumbing through my belongings i found something i had written dated January 24th, the year wasn't included.

some days i feel like i've come so far in my personal growth.  i sit and think wow, "you are incredible heather" then there are days when i cringe at how far i have regressed and that dialogue goes like this "what the f*#k is wrong with you" i have to say i much prefer the first dialogue!

there are no names, or even an inclining of what was going on in my life to tell what i was upset or elated with myself about, but it's obvious i've been this conflicted person for a very long time.  i often struggle with how i feel i should handle situations.  for instance, i can't stand it when i get blown off, but i am guilty of doing this to other people.  when it happens to me, i dissect every interaction i've ever had with that person, replay the conversations, and look for some egregious act on my behalf that i need to apologize for.  however, when i do it to someone else, i mentally come up with a list of justifications as to why i can't follow through on an obligation i've made, but those justifications never leave my mind.  i often chicken out and forget the next step which is to share with the other person that i can't follow through. i know that this is the polite thing to do, but i feel bad that i'm failing at friendship. i'm guessing i'm not the only person who struggles with this since i get blown off frequently.

i also found a collection of things from a friend who i miss a lot and who has been on my mind lately. we have had a falling out, something i never ever thought would happen, but it did.  one of the things is a coupon that i got for my birthday to go play darts, something we used to do often.  there is an expiration date that says: this shall expire if not redeemed before i move, die, or become too old to remember who on earth you are...i was so tempted to reach out when i found this in the box, i almost sent a picture text asking if i could still redeem my game of darts, but i opted for a tear session instead.  the tears were involuntary, all the trinkets i had kept that mapped our friendship hit me hard and i was devastated all over again that our friendship was over.  if you are wondering i couldn't bring myself to get rid of any of it and it is displayed on my desk just as it was pre-fire and pre-falling out.

there were some happy things in my box of treasures.  i found pictures of bethy and i from the first mamma christmas.  i have my short boy haircut and bethy looks gorgeous as always.  there were pictures of some of my other mamma friends: due, ryan, and trickey.  they gave me signed teacher school pictures one year and i had them hanging at my desk.  my boss had added labels of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" to their pictures one morning and those were still attached. countless pictures of my kiddos.  this totally awesome drawing from my son in which ash and I have arms longer than we are tall and odd rectangular bodies.  we are holding hands and only have smiles with no eyes on our faces.

my walk down memory lane was a myriad of emotions.  i have grown a lot, gained a lot, lost a lot, and oddly enough i am still in the same place. a mother to two amazing kids, i have the same friends (minus the aforementioned), and i struggle with the same inner turmoil.  there is some comfort realizing that despite everything i am still me.  that incredibly awkward girl fumbling through life one moment at a time.

superman, i'll never be...

for the most part, i am totally okay with getting older.  i don't mind the increasing wrinkles around my eyes and mouth.  i don't mind the few random gray hairs.  i don't mind that i rarely get carded, but want to kiss the person that asks to see my id.  i don't mind that i am completely out of touch with young adults.  i don't mind that night driving is becoming increasingly difficult.  i don't even mind that i wear readers when doing extensive computer work.

however, there are a few things that i really don't care for.  one of them has to do with my chin hairs, aka speaker wires.  i only have two, like a catfish, and they are the thickest darkest hairs i have ever seen. sometimes i think i should keep them, because they are so strong i could probably use them to stab someone if i was ever attacked, but i quickly change my mind choosing vanity over safety.

i don't really care for the fact that my "winter ass" is now a year round ass.  i know that i can easily remedy this, but i make every excuse under the sun not to.  my biggest issue with my winter ass is that it limits my wardrobe choices.  you all know i have a giant wardrobe, but there are several things that i really want to wear and i cannot get into them.  sometimes i fudge that a little, like today.  i get to bethy's house this morning and she takes a quick look at my outfit and says, "i feel like you need to tuck."  my shirt is over the waist band of my skirt.  i replied, " i can't do that." "why?" "i can't zip my skirt up all the way!" in between the giggles bethy was able to say, "i love you!"

my newest ailment, if you can call it that, is really bothering me. i have been noticing that my foot has been bothering me.  it's not a constant pain, or even a shooting pain, but more of a dull ache taunting me to take a peak.  during the day i keep myself busy enough that i don't usually notice it, but when i climb into bed to drift off to sleep my right foot starts to ache.  do you remember in cartoons when a character's toe is giant, red and pulsing?  that is exactly how my foot feels and it is in fact a toe that is bothering me.

last night i was having all sorts of problems staying asleep.  i fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, but my toes on my left foot started cramping which woke me up.  once i was up i noticed that my right foot was bothering me too.  i tried to ignore it by focusing on other things: rainbows, what i was going to wear the next day, how cozy my bedding is, an assignment that is due for class, a card i found in my desk from an old friend i haven't talked to in ages, but none of these were working. i ended up with too many thoughts swirling around in my head and my toe was still throbbing.  i couldn't take it anymore i had to see what was going on .

i turned on my reading lamp, swung my legs up to my pillow, and started inspecting the area.  to my horror i discovered a corn.  are you kidding me? only old people get corns!  i am only 38 how can i possibly have a corn on my toe?  so like any good investigator, i jumped on my computer and started looking up what to do.  short of going barefoot all the time, my best option is to change my footwear. this is not okay with me.  i adore my uncomfortable, stylish heels and refuse to start wearing orthopedic shoes so that my toes has a little more wiggle room.

this getting older thing definitely has some pitfalls.  pretty soon you are going to see me with carefully filed speaker wires for maximum protection, crocs, and some elastic waist pants.  i'm going to try and pass this off as a new age super hero. i'm sure i won't look nearly as cool as superman, but it could work.

who's the boss...

do you remember the show Who's the Boss with tony danza?  although the following story doesn't have anything to do with the show, the premise of the show, or any of the people of the show, the title of the show has been on my mind today.  i had one of those power struggles this morning with my daughter, where i had to show her that i make the rules and her job is to follow them.

monday mornings are a transition day for my kids.  transition days are always tough.  the kids have to put on their mom hats.  those hats magically remind them of the rules at my house, the hierarchy within the walls of my house, and the expectations at my house.  sometimes, the magic mom hats don't make it on their heads in time and i have to forcibly place them on their heads.

my preteen daughter forgot to put her magic mom hat on before entering my house this morning, which meant our morning sucked, i lost my cool, and ended up leaving my daughter at home.

in her defense, the kids get dropped off with very little time before we have to leave.  in my defense, my preteen daughter is old enough to know how to manage her time.  i have explained that if you know you aren't going to have very much time, you need to come home ready to go.  you shouldn't come home in your pajamas, still needing breakfast, still needing to pack a lunch, and still needing to pack up your gym and school bag.  for some reason this hasn't sunk in to her brain yet, it must be too full of saxophone arrangements, gymnastics routines, and what her friends are up to.

so this morning, like many other monday mornings, she waltzed through my door in pajamas and we had to leave in five minutes.  although i was irritated, i politely gave her a "we have five minutes, you need to hustle."  three minutes later she is walking through the house without pants looking for her favorite jeans.  i ask her what she is doing and tell her all the laundry is done, if they aren't in her room she will have to put on something else.  her response was, i'm just going to look for them.  i snapped at her and told her i was leaving in a minute and a half.

about this time, my son was looking at me cautiously.  i don't lose my cool too often but i was fuming.  in a not so pleasant voice, i looked at him and said you better be ready to go because we are late.  he jumped into high gear, getting his shoes on, gathering up his lunch and school stuff, and standing by the door waiting for the green light to leave the house.

a minute later my daughter was still strolling around the house.  i told her i was leaving, she needed to start walking to school and if she didn't make it, she wasn't going to to gymnastics practice.  i walked out of the house, barking at my son to get in the car.  he looked totally confused that we were leaving without his sister and kept looking back at the front door waiting for her to come bolting to the car.  she never came out the front door.

after dropping off my carpool kids and my son at their respective schools and stopping for fuel, i went back to the house. she was ready and waiting for me.  during the tense ride to school, i had to reestablish who's the boss, explain once again my expectations and rules, and really press the fact that i won't be coming back to pick her up if she misses the ride to school.

just another monday morning for the record books. i'm ready for tuesday.

let it go...

i was told the other day that i need to learn to "let it go".  instantly an image of elsa trudging through the snow belting out "let it go" from frozen popped into my head. thank you disney and you're welcome for that song now being stuck in your head.  this isn't what i wanted to talk about though, over the weekend, i received a message that has left me uneasy.

so the friend who told me to let it go, basically said, this isn't your business and not to worry about it. what i don't think that friend understands about me, is that once i care about you, regardless of what happens between us, i will always care about you.  i will always be concerned about your welfare.  i will always wish the best for you.  i want to see you succeed.  i want you to be happy.  it is part of what makes me, me.  i genuinely care about the people (past or present) in my life.  

you see, i think the person who sent the message is making a ginormous mistake. i understand the reasons, that they shared, on why they are making this particular decision, but i still think it is wrong. i recognize that i don't have a say in the decision or even that it will impact me in any way, but how do you shake the uneasy feeling when you think your friend is setting them self up to be hurt? 

is part of being a good friend, saying the things your friends don't want to hear?  i think so.  i have had really hard conversations with my friends.  i know i've said things that have hurt their feelings. or even worse appear to not even be their friend, but in the end those people who trust me enough to ask my opinion know i'm going to be honest with them and tell them what i really think.  

i wouldn't be me, if i had kept my opinion about this decision to myself.  my initial response was made through a phone call.  i wanted to make sure that i used my voice, even though it wasn't a strong voice.  i needed them to hear my tone, hear my words, and not leave my words open to interpretation through a text message. so i called and said i didn't know how to process the information, but i only want the best for you. 

this exchange didn't make the uneasiness go away.  i spent my evening trying to figure out what to do.  i was going to just let it go, as had been suggested, but the following morning i received another message. from my standpoint this friend isn't sure what they truly want and is making a rash decision to satisfy an immediate need.  i had to say something.  

i composed my message, took a deep breath and hit send.  i knew they wouldn't get it in time, the decision had a time frame.  i also knew that the recipient was going to be upset with me and probably not speak to me for a great length of time, but it was a risk i was willing to take.  this friend opened the door for the conversation and i had to walk through.

i don't know when the friend received the message, but they did respond with a "thank you for sharing, it means a lot to me."  at the end of the day, i just want the people in my life to be happy, to be successful in whatever they choose to do, and to know that i will always care about them.  

goodbye friend...

on monday, i learned i lost a friend.  a friend who impacted my life in ways i never expected.  this is a tremendous loss in my small little world, but i imagine anyone who knew him is feeling a tremendous loss.

i had put on my facebook status monday: Jason Titmus, you are one of the most influential people i have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  although my time with you was short, the footprint you left on my life is huge.  you will be missed. 

there are people who come in to your life that change you.  sometimes those changes are bad, but that wasn't the case with J, he changed my perspective of the world and persistently challenged me to be better.  he simply didn't accept that this heather, the heather right here and now, was the best i could be.  although that persistence annoyed the hell out of me, i couldn't be more grateful.

the hardest part of learning of J's passing was telling my kids.  i have never had to tell them that someone they know and cared about has died.  i wasn't sure how to do it and was actually dreading it. do i tell them a story?  do i just say, "hey guys i have something to tell you?"  or do i simply stop holding back the tears and let them initiate the conversation?

i went to pick up miss p from gymnastics and she was quick to notice something was wrong.  at the very moment she asked me what's wrong, the setting sun came streaming through the clouds overhead, tears started rolling down my face and i shared with her the news.  normally she doesn't stop talking about her day and gymnastics, but that afternoon she sat quietly in the backseat of our car.  i peeked at her in the rear view mirror and she had tears rolling down her face.  instinctively i reached back and she grabbed my hand and held it tightly the whole ride home.  when we got home, we hugged for a few minutes and she said, "he is in a wonderful place now mom."

ash was harder to tell.  ash and J bonded.  i'm not sure if it is because they are both males, but they just seemed to understand each other.  i asked ash to come into the kitchen.  you see hanging up in my kitchen is a picture that J drew one afternoon when he was sitting on my couch with my kids.  i asked ash if he remembered J.  he immediately perked up and exclaimed, "vapor, liquid, solid".  it was one of the many things J taught my kids.  then ash asked if he was coming for a visit.  i had to tell him that he wasn't going to be coming.

ash's face fell, his shoulders slumped, and he turned away.  he tries so hard to be a "man" he doesn't like me to see him vulnerable.  i wrapped him up in my arms and ash started sobbing.  once he stopped crying, we sat on the couch and ash recalled all the things J had taught him and laughed at the time J wore my pajama bottoms, because i was washing his only set of clothes, and read a skippy john jones book in the craziest voices we had ever heard.

my kids seemed to take the news fairly well.  since monday, we've talked about him, sharing our memories and wondering what his new world is like.  thank you J for sharing your world with me and my kids.  we will miss you immensely.

unflattering pictures...

if you've run any organized race, you know that there are cameras everywhere.  whether it be hired, professional photographers or your random cell phone users looking to capture something crazy to post to social media.  it is kind of hard to escape the cameras.  i remember the first 5k i ran, seattle's st. patty's day dash with my girlfriends.  we had trained and trained and were concentrating hard on running our best.  we hardly paid attention to the photographers lining the streets of the race. when we scanned the posted pictures there were more than a couple of unflattering photos of us.  we vowed to pay attention the following year and "pose" so we would have a picture worth keeping or at the very least post to social media.

when i ran the half marathon a couple of weekends, i remembered to be on the lookout for the photographer.  i had seen him prior to starting the race taking pictures of all the groups of women who were running together.  there was a group supporting their favorite football teams, there was a group with all matching outfits, there was a group running in support of a family member, etc.  i was running by myself so i didn't make the cut, but that was okay i knew who to look for.

early on in the race, i saw him up ahead.  i made sure when i ran past him i gave him a two thumbs, my regular toothy smile and made sure i wasn't making a poop face. for some reason when i run, i scrunch my face up like i'm pushing, but i'm not, just concentrating.  i saw the same guy at the half way point and again somewhere on the way back.

a week later and the photos are finally posted.  i found myself in the pre-race group shot.  it wasn't super hard, i knew i was right up front behind the row of kneeling ladies

so i eagerly scrolled through the rest of them looking for my two thumbs up shot.  i knew that would be the one that would get picked for adding to the photo book of the race, but i couldn't find it anywhere.  so i went back through the photos and finally found myself.  i couldn't believe it, i look certifiably crazy.  in the picture, i'm coming into the finish line.  i don't recall seeing the photographer guy anywhere, but clearly he was there lurking on the sidelines waiting to capture the most unflattering picture he could possibly take.

i've shared the picture with my family and they died laughing.  i couldn't possibly have posted this picture single-y on my facebook page, but i'm swallowing my pride and sharing it now.  i really hope i didn't look like this the entire time and i'm thinking i would rather look like i'm going number two than this...