sphincter roll...

it's the most romantic night of the year.  except for that unforgettable hot steamy back alley shag.  oh wait, that was just my dream.  anyway, it's the most romantic night of the year, i'm spending the evening with two of my closest friends.  we have decided to poke fun at the holiday and wear campy "love" shirts.  we walk to what looks like a cute corner bar and grill.

it's a pretty quiet night for a holiday where most restaurants are only taking reservations.  there was a small wedding party occupying a section of the restaurant and a few couples sitting at hi-top tables in the bar.  after scoping out the options we chose the two small couches facing the fireplace.  our waitress came right over, let's be real there weren't too many people to help, so it made sense for her to be prompt. we ordered a few drinks and looked over the menu. heath and i decided to split the french dip meal, we weren't starving since we had stuffed our faces with snacky gas station food on the drive down.

french dips, one of my favorite sandwiches of all time.  crispy on the outside and pillowy soft on the inside french bread, thinly sliced medium rare succulent beef, and gooey melty cheese that you dip into salty beefy broth. seriously, what's not to love?  i prefer mine with horseradish for a little extra zip, but leave off the onions or any other blasted vegetable.

i try french dips everywhere.  in fact, heath and i have split french dip meals at other restaurants.  i am still on the hunt for the perfect french dip.  so, if you happen to know of a really good one, please share it with me.

back to the story.  

there is something about smelling food that makes you hungry.  i can't say that i was starving before getting to the restaurant, but once i smelled the aromas wafting from the kitchen, my stomach was super excited to be filled.  we received our food fairly quickly, remember the place wasn't packed, and a quick glance of my food and i thought it looked okay: french dip cut in half, a bowl of salty beef broth, a mound of fries and a pickle.  i quickly scarfed the pickle down.  my horseradish was on the side so i picked up a knife to slather it on my first bite.  

i remember looking at my half of the sandwich in anticipation, but i was quickly a little disappointed.  it wasn't a sandwich that was piled with beef, in fact it was pretty thin.  i was hoping to grab my half and watch the cheese stretch from the plate in all its gooeyness, but it wasn't even all the way melted yet. however, i was now starving and there wasn't anything a schmear of horseradish couldn't cure.  

or so i thought

i took my first bite.  it was mostly bun, which i forgot to mention the bun wasn't toasted, crispy or pillowy soft on the inside, just a bun.  i pick up the knife to schmear more horseradish onto my next bite when i notice something sticking out of my sandwich. there it was, a foreign object in my sandwich.  

i set my half down and spread the bun open to examine the foreign object.  i separated the object from the meat, yes it was attached, and held it on my finger.  it was a little ring, hard to the touch, perfectly circular, but the color of a tendon or fat.  it wasn't very big, i wouldn't have been able to fit it on my pinkie, but it definitely wasn't something i wanted to eat.  it looked like a sphincter. i had a tiny butt hole in my sandwich. 

i showed the sphincter to heath and she immediately put her half down on the plate.  "what is that?"  now we were both looking at the tiny sphincter i was holding on my finger.  my half had multiple tiny sphincters, where heath's had none, but neither of us was eating anymore.  

keri, that smart girl, had ordered a chicken dish and was in hysterics over our sandwich debacle.  

so what does one do when their sandwich is covered in sphincters?  we gave it back.  there was some dialogue between the waitress and heath.  heath won.  we didn't have to pay for our sphincter roll, but we left hungry and unable to eat the rest of the night. 

i know that i will be able to order and eat another french dip.  like i said, they are one of my favorite sandwiches, ever.  i'm not sure about heath, i know she was very traumatized by our sandwich experience.  if you are a french dip lover be on the look out for these: 

i can't tell you what part of the cow this comes from
do you know?  

drop it like it's hot...

happy valentine's day from the girls!

every few months, i spend some time reconnecting with some of my oldest and dearest friends.  by the time we depart ways i'm so full i feel like i can't swallow because my esophagus is jammed pack, my liver hates me, and my abs have had a full workout, due to laughter, in just 3 short days.  just like every other trip there are some very memorable moments, for this trip i'm going to share my most embarrassing moment of the trip.

red glossy nails for me

 it was saturday morning, we had just started operation: hilly billy to sophistication by getting our nails done, and the three of us were getting dressed to head out for the day. 

skeeter and scooter

my outfit for the day was a pair of jeans, a striped t-shirt, blazer, leopard scarf and boots.  perfect outfit for tooling around downtown portland.  the night before, heath, chopped my hair, updating my look with a saucy set of bangs.  i really do love them.



it was during this dressing myself for the day, where the story really starts.

it was a matching day, red and white polka dot undergarments.  although nobody really sees when you are wearing matching undergarments, i feel a little more on-top-of-my-game when i know it's a matching day.  so, i'm in my skivvies, pull out my skinny jeans and shimmy into them.

i have worn these jeans 800 times, at least.  they are well loved, but they don't have any holes.  they are plain, no striation in the denim, just a nice plain denim which makes a good canvas for any outfit.  seeing as how it is winter, they were a little snug.  i went through my regular steps of stretching out my jeans a bit: zip, button, squat.  during the downward motion of the squat there was a riiip sound.

i paused for just a moment before standing up, both of my lovely friend's heads turned towards me and wouldn't you know it they fell to the floor in laughter.  they dropped to the floor so fast, you would have sworn they had just been shot by some unseen gunman.  as serious as i could be, i simply said, "well i guess i won't be wearing these." and proceeded to take them off.

my winter ass strikes again

in case you are wondering what kind of blow out i had, in one word it was epic. my red and white polka dot boy shorts had bust through the entire ass of my jeans.  i could fit my whole entire noggin through the gaping hole in my jeans. keri, bless her heart, offered up her sewing machine for some quick repair work, but i'm going with these are well past repair. thankfully this mishap happened in keri's living room and not out on the town.

dinner at trifecta

outside of a lovely dress up dinner night, a trip to the wax salon, countless new beers that i tried, a quick and revealing game of question and answer, and some shopping it was your regular girls weekend.





next trip we are hitting the happening town of moses lake.  look out moses, you never know what will happen when the three of us are on the loose. until next time ladies!

it was seriously cold this afternoon

obligatory v-day post...

yes, i will be wearing this shirt for valentine's day.  

no, i do not have a boyfriend.

this year for valentine's day, i will be in portland laughing until my sides hurt with two of my dear friends.  i would say they are taking pity on their single friend, but this is really the only weekend our schedules matched up.  and seriously what better way to spend the love holiday, than with two gals i love immensely?  

for this week of over publicized love, i will be participating in the following ways

adele and norah jones will be on repeat

i bought a valentine's gift for someone

special candy in my kid's lunches

heart shaped cookies

might even sport some red lipstick

here is what my shirt should say:

i will (heart) my boyfriend

if the time ever comes that i have this "holiday" to share with a special someone, i will heart my boyfriend, valentine's day and every other day.  i don't need a holiday to tell me when to shower my boyfriend with love, because i will want to share that with him whenever i can.  

it's saturday y'all...

it is a saturday night.  i am sitting solo, at a four top table, in a hopping bar, in front of a computer screen.  there is dreadful karaoke filling the air, laughter amongst friends, and chatter at each table.  every table except for mine.  besides the glow of my screen and the occasional illumination of the screen on my phone, there is zero action at my table, it is quieter than quiet. 

i came here tonight for a change of scenery.  i can only spend so many hours confined inside the walls of my home.  void of human contact.  i would never make a good solitary confinement inmate.  i would be certifiably mad after a few short hours.  i was doing homework, again, and i was going crazy.  my irrational thought process said, come to a busy bar.

there are two significant problems with this plan.  one it is extremely distracting to get anything constructive done.  two, i feel far more alone than i did at home all alone.  sigh. what is it about being amongst humanity that intensifies the isolation one feels when they go solo?  to be completely honest, i would prefer to be a third wheel over sitting by myself.

this is the kind of night where i wish i had someone in my bed.  someone to cozy up to.  another heartbeat pulsing under my covers.  a man that i could touch, my hand resting on his chest as it rises up and down with each breath he takes.  it is nights like this where i wish i could shelve my morals and just invite some random over to fill the need that i am having.

it is nights like this that i wonder, how long am i going to live this gig?  this gig of keeping my own company, an empty bed, the loneliness that only creeps in under the darkness of night? 

at the end of the day i will go home solo, because that is who i am.  the moment of loneliness will pass and life will carry on. the quietness of my room, the expanse of empty space in my bed, and the wonders of the sandman will transport me to a dreamland that will take all my worries away. 

happy saturday y'all.

would you ever...

awkward moments.  we have all had them, at least i hope you have had them.  seems like i have my fair share of awkward and bizarre moments.  a recent moment has stuck with me and i have been hesitant to share this publicly.  why?  well because it is just so weird and i still can't believe it happened.  i have shared this moment with a couple of friends and a couple of strangers to get some perspective, and we all came away with the same sentiments...totally weird.

i had met some friends out for a drink after a really long day of work and studying.  one of the friends had one too many so i drove this friend home.  when i got to this friend's house, i had to use the restroom, so i followed my friend in and went into the powder room.

pause for some background information.  i don't like closed rooms, i can't remember a time where i did.  i rarely close the door to the bathroom at my home, even when i have company.  powder rooms are notably small, and small closed rooms are less comfortable than a large closed room.  so knowing this about me you probably aren't surprised that i didn't close the door all the way, i left it cracked.

i'm sitting on the pot, going number one, when the friend comes in.  that in and of itself is kind of weird.  just because the door is open, doesn't mean i want company.  i suppose one could argue that a closed door is the universal sign that i'm unavailable, but does that then mean an open door means come on in?  i suppose that is something to ponder for later.

anyway, this friend comes in.  what happens next is the awkward moment.  the moment that i still can't believe happened.  the moment where i went what is happening?!  

this friend does not use the sink.  the friend does not look in the mirror.  oh no, this friend enters, takes a couple of steps towards me, then straddles my lap and plants a giant kiss on my lips.  for some reason, this friend decided that this is best time for a kiss.  this moment when my pants are around my ankles, thighs are exposed, and my bare butt is pressed against the cold toilet seat.  really?

so what do you do, when you have another human straddling your lap and kissing you?  if you are me, you kiss them back so that the awkward moment ends and then ask your friends would you ever do that?

a small party...

sometimes i have the opportunity to attend some cool events.  i had one of those opportunities the other day.  let me set the scene.  i was enjoying a quiet evening sitting at a table for two, in a darkly lit room with my notebook, writing a short story and sipping a crisp cold scotch ale.  it was one of those moments when the words were flowing freely, when a ding on my phone, i hadn't heard in a while, interrupted me.  the message read:

i have a small party to go to in seattle.  do you want to come?

after a quick review of my clothes, because i knew i wasn't going to have time to go home and change, i said yes, where should i meet you?  so i met my friend and off we went.  on our way down i thought i should find out what i was walking in to.  so, what kind of party are we going to?  after a small chuckle my friend said, it's my company post holiday party.  a company holiday party?  crap, i wasn't dressed appropriately for a holiday party.  i was wearing jeans, an over sized black sweater with a huge white cross on my chest, and flat suede tan boots. 

we pull into the parking garage at the century link stadium with thousands of other cars, find a parking spot and funnel, like a cow in a herd going to slaughter, through the doors to this:

you guessed it, i found myself at amazon's post holiday party.  let me just say this right now, amazon throws one heck of a party.  there is so much amazingness to share, i don't even know where to start.  i suppose i should show the back side of the invitation because it was a map of everything to see

we entered the party smack dab in the middle at icy arctic.  we were greeted with an all male chorus group, dressed in holiday gear complete with earmuffs, singing holiday favorites with an amazon twist. after bypassing the coat check, we entered the party.  first thing i noticed was the shear volume of people.  this "small" holiday party, was the size of the town of snohomish, just a sea of people everywhere you look.

the icy arctic had giant inflatable igloos that you could sit inside of and eat some of the glorious food that was everywhere, or sip on a free beverage.  the snowy park had a karaoke stage and an elevated stage with skaters.  the northern lights was like a night club, it had the main stage, a trapeze artist, and stilt walkers.  the cozy lodge was the game center: foosball, shuffle board, billiards, air hockey and a fire a mini marshmallow into a paint can attached to a wall with a mini bow.  the warm retreat was lit by red lights had tarot card readers and tons of couches for lounging.  every area had food stations, beverage stations and picture opportunities (either a portrait type of photo booth type).

with so many people, you might be hard pressed to find someone you know, if you hadn't made prior arrangements to meet somewhere.  so for the evening we played two games who is the employee? and do you know that person?  the people watching at this party was awesome, my favorite duo was the man who's plus one was a robot.  oh and remember i didn't think i had on the proper attire?  well, the dress ranged anywhere from the man in his swim trunks, t-shirt and flip flops to full on tux and ball gowns.  i fit right in.  

if you ever have a chance to go to a party hosted by amazon, go!  you will not be disappointed.  it was definitely a blast, an opportunity i am glad i didn't pass up.  thank you friend!







2014 goals...

it is that time of year again when the world makes resolutions. changes we vow to take, to improve our quality of life.  unfortunately, i think since we wait for a specific time of year to do it, we aren't all that committed and often times fail at making the change.  which is exactly why i don't make a resolution.

with that said, there are things that i hope to achieve throughout the year.  however, i have no time frame, other than the year 2014, to accomplish the tasks.

for instance, i would like to be more consistent with running.  i have a great running partner, i got new running shoes, and a fancy fitness tracker to wear on my wrist.  all these things should aid me in running more often and logging more miles.  a long time friend of mine, posted on facebook, that he had exceeded his mile goal for the year in -7 degree weather.  i certainly don't have aspirations to log as many miles as he did, but i have a number in mind.  i would say the number i'm shooting for, but that would be too much of a commitment for me.

i would also like to get back into blogging more often.  i have fallen off the wayside.  this is the best outlet for my head, and i have so much pent up inside there i don't know where to start.  if you could see the amount of posts i have started and not finished, let alone posted.  as of late, i haven't been able to find a way to articulate myself.  i suppose i should say...haven't been able to find a way to articulate myself to my liking.  i feel like a broken record, maybe because nothing has really changed.  i still struggle with the same things i have since i started this, the only difference is the players involved.

besides the regular things (getting good grades, being a good mom, making more memories, etc.) that is all i really want to accomplish.  what are your 2014 goals?