salty air...

i'm assuming all parents do this, but i have this incessant need to share some of my favorite memories with my kids.  recreating that feeling and memory and hopefully my kids will feel it too.  one of my favorite places i remember going as a kid was to mukilteo beach.  both my mom and my dad took me here.  if i was going to make a list, you know how much i love lists, of my mukilteo beach memories it would look like this:

kites

trains

walking on the logs

crabs

throwing rocks

salty air

 

 

a few times a year i bring my kids here.  it isn't the most convenient beach to get to from where i live, but creating memories isn't about convenience.  last weekend, the weather was being its normal schizophrenic self and couldn't decide if it wanted to downpour, be cloudy or sunshiny.  we had spent the day cooped up and my ratchets were getting really restless so i said, "dress for outside and water."  and off we went.

 

we happened to catch a break in the weather, meaning no rain, and walked all the logs from one end to the other.  there were no kites due to the previous rain showers, however a train went by, we waved at the conductor and counted the cars.  it was low tide when we got there, so we spent some time flipping over rocks and watching the crabs scurry away. 

i took one brief moment to close my eyes, lift my face to the sky and fill my lungs with the salty air.  my ratchets saw and gave me a scrunched up face look but i didn't care.  it was just how i remembered it to be.

 

 

 



hiatus...

tomorrow, friday, will be exactly seven days since i logged into facebook.  the decision to take a hiatus was actually made in haste out of anger and spite, which i may or may not get into today, but overall i haven't missed it too much.  i have decided, out of anger and spite, to shift my priorities and focus on what makes me, me.

i made myself a list the other day, when i was angry, about how to shift my focus so that i stop repeating the same cycle.

DON'T

 

text or email (a certain someone)

facebook

drink

date

 

DO

 

cook

read

exercise

be a better mom

look into going back to school

 

 

STOP DWELLING

STOP DWELLING

STOP DWELLING

 

 

is this feasible?  so far yes, although i am sort of failing in the don't text or email department.  oh stop judging i will explain. the one message i sent was out of unconditional love because i am me and i sincerely care about the person the message was sent to.  it wasn't anything personal just a "well wish" message about something i knew was happening that day.  i sent it without any expectation of getting something back.  that makes it better, right?

 

the dating and drinking piece is a cake walk.  i have six beers in my fridge that have been there for eons and i am not tempted in the least to drink them.  dating, well we all know how well i fair in that department.  at this point i am better off ditching both.

 

the exercise, cook,  and read more are fairly easy to do more of seeing as how my virtual self isn't busy.  i have been doing this 30 day squat challenge, i'm up to 155 squats which i'm sorry is just plain dumb.  my legs are saying, "hey you old bag, leave us alone!"  this time of year is really hard for me to do major cooking since we are at the soccer fields four days a week from right after school until 7:30, but i'm trying.  reading, well i do this everyday, but i do have more time to devour a couple extra books.

 

be a better mom.  this is a toughie.  i think it is hard to change how you interact with your kids.  partly because your kids aren't changing how they interact with you.  i still find myself with a short fuse when it comes to my daughter with her sharp tongue and attitude.  i would really like to lengthen my fuse with her.  a work in progress.

 

going to back to school.  this is huge and something i am serious about doing.  i am at a point where i feel comfortable with the flow of my life and feel like i can tackle something new.  it seems to make sense to plan for my future.  realizing that i can't wait for someone to enter my life and share the load has recently hit me in the face repeatedly.  so, it's time to put on my big girl panties and take control.

 

a week out and i am not angry or spiteful anymore.  i'm feeling positive about my future, not just the future, but what i am doing to better my future.  i have been the recipient of many more spontaneous hugs from my kids, they are digging the real mom time they are getting.  funny, but it seems like my "not resolution, resolution" to simplify is still in progress.  simplifying is definitely a win for me!

 



bolt or pine...

i think it is time to get down and dirty.  get into the nitty gritty. of what, you might ask?  well i will tell you, why i suck ass at being in a relationship.  it really isn't a mystery to me, although i want to claim it is.  i mean, if i know what the problem is then it should be super easy to fix, right?  wrong!  so far i haven't been able to fix it at all.

are you ready?  i bolt from the guy who is into me and pine over the one who doesn't take a second glance.  maybe you do this too?  i seriously can't be the only single woman out there that does this.  there are many things that come into play here and maybe if i put it out there, you know for everyone to see, it just might somehow change how i am going about things.  or maybe at the very least i will be a little more accountable for my actions.

we will start with bolt.  this is a very unbecoming trait of mine.  one i am not particularly proud of, but can't seem to break.  the guy who is into me terrifies me.  i simply don't trust him because clearly there is something wrong with him.  i think "what could he possibly see in me?"  i have a laundry list of things that, in my head, i deem "not attractive" in myself as a possible partner.  i don't see myself on equal playing ground, that somehow i fall short.  in a sick and twisted way i don't think i deserve, actually deserve isn't the right word, it is more that i am not that lucky to find someone who actually wants to invest time in me.  in this scenario i am the poster child for low self esteem.

then we come to pine.  this is an equally unbecoming trait of mine.  also one that i am not proud of, but haven't figured out how to shake.  when a guy seems to be interested but only wants to see me one time and never again i turn into some crazy psychiatric patient who should be wearing a straight jacket in a padded room. i think, "why doesn't he like me?  what is wrong with me?  if you just give me a chance i will prove to you that i am right."  here is what is interesting that laundry list of "not attractives" somehow becomes attractive when i am making my case.  i see myself as the best option.  in this scenario i am just a fool desperately trying to hold water in a nylon.

is this messed up or what? 

i want to believe that i struggle with relationships because i simply haven't been in the right one.  that when i am finally in the right relationship i won't bolt or pine, i will just be.  i won't have to prove myself nor will i feel antsy about the relationship, it will just feel right.  until that happens i will probably continue to have the emotional maturity of a thirteen year old girl.  so much for accountability! 

panties and coffee...

scenario:  it is morning, 3 ladies in their mid-30's standing outside, huddled together quiet as church mice in panties and tank tops, with their coffee.

what comes to mind? 

• my biggest fear they were burning belongings of old flames, caught the house on fire and they had to run for their lives?  do you remember the friends episode when the girls were burning mementos in the living room and the firemen came?  this could be the reason why the above mentioned ladies are outside in their panties, but it doesn't really explain the coffee.  if you were escaping a fire would you remember to grab your coffee?  also why would they be so quiet?  if i had just run out of a burning building, which by the way i would never run out in just my panties, i think i would be clucking away with my friends trying to figure out what exactly happened. 
• filming for scream 5 is in progress?  i have seen all the scream movies and they are a full scale cheese fest in my opinion.  i can totally see the script having three good friends waking up after a night of being on the town.  they are in the skimpiest of clothing just lounging around with their coffee when all of sudden daunting music blossoms, a shadowy figure runs past the window and panic sets in.  these stupid girls don't know what to do besides "hide" in a place with no exit with only their hot coffee for a weapon. 
• a religious figure has come to the door and they are pretending to hide instead of talking to them?  what, you've never done this?  okay i have to admit that i have.  hanging my head in shame.  i am not one who likes confrontation, i try to avoid it at all costs, even if that means that i hide until it disappears.  even though this is plausible to me, i don't think a group of ladies would hide from the religious people knocking on their door.  i'm sure one of them would have enough kahunas to answer that door.

none of these are correct.
how about i throw out another piece of the puzzle?

i will stab that fear with a knife!

what the hay balls?
who says stuff like that?

since my creativity wand has been misplaced i will just tell you what really went down.  honestly, there is no way on earth i could ever come up with this story. 

 

the three ladies are myself and my two good friends from school.  yes, we were huddled outside in our panties (it was stifling hot that night) with our coffee and we were very quiet, because we were listening to the domestic dispute that was happening above us. there was no physical violence happening just a ton of yelling.  apparently these two lovebirds are no strangers to the local police, according to my friend, they receive a friendly visit often.

nothing like waking up to a muffled, "....fucking c*&!...." at 7am.  we did what any nosy neighbor would do; made coffee and listened to the confrontation.  this round of arguing ended with him in tears, her begging for a hug, and him demanding an apology to something we never could figure out.  i'm guessing he didn't get his apology because shortly after this argument he was out on the curb with his duffel bag and kinect calling a friend to pick him up.

i should clarify that we were ready to take action should things sound like they were getting out of control but it ended before there was anything to really do.

him...

to all the single folk in the world, do you have a benchmark?  maybe a better way to phrase the question is this: is there someone you compare every potential love interest to?  maybe your benchmark is a parental figure, a religious figure, a friend, dare i say a celebrity or even an imaginary human that you are hoping to meet someday? 

i actually have this person, a real live person, in my life.  he encompasses everything i look for and desire.  much like the quote for this post, i didn't know when i met him he would become so important.  over the years i have learned that i cannot imagine a life without him in it. 

i have spent the last few years endlessly dating, measuring everyone i've met to him.  i don't go so far as to make a checks and balance type list, but mentally i compare.  so far no one has come close.  this isn't to say that i haven't met worthy men.  i'm simply saying they aren't him.

so what now?  what do you do when you realize that the man you've been looking for is already in your life?  if this were the movies, i would go to him, profess my love in some perfectly scripted short paragraph, we would embrace, share a passionate kiss and the next scene would be our wedding.  weird how real life is nothing like the movies.  sigh.

in a world where it is hard to find people you really connect with, i am forever blessed to have this man in my life.  he is my true friend, my benchmark, and who knows maybe someday he will have a more important role?  whatever the future holds he will be a permanent fixture in my life and that is all i could ever really ask for.

shiny new plates...

 

i'm not a fan of anything that has to do with car maintenance.  i'm going to go so far as to say i don't even enjoy putting gas in my vehicle.  blech on all things cars, however taking care of the only vehicle i have is a must and i do it begrudgingly.  presently i am in desperate need of new windshield wipers (the passenger one is falling apart) and my rig is in desperate need of a wash, but she also needed new tabs.  tabs definitely take precedence, i don't need a hefty ticket on my hand for expired tabs.

 

off to the emissions place i go.  thankfully the fella who helped me out had a good sense of humor.  he started off our interaction with, "there is no laughing here, this is a government facility" with a grin bigger than a watermelon rind.  i might have saluted him just for the joy of it.  he put me in a "time out" telling my daughter that i wasn't following directions and i would have to sit in the corner for awhile.  miss p found great pleasure in the fact that i was sitting in a plexiglass booth.  the old girl passed the test with flying colors.  phew!

 

with my passing report in hand i head off to purchase tabs.  i was expecting them to be under $50.00, but i was in for a surprise.   here is the following conversation with the clerk:

•  clerk:  oh, looks like you are due for new license plates?
• me:  oh, no no.  i just did that not too long ago.
• clerk:  are you still driving the toyota?
• me:  yes
• clerk:  well you had new plates in 2006.  the state requires that you get new plates every seven years.
• me:  are you sure it was 2006?  i am just now remembering what my license plate is.
• clerk:  if you are still driving the Toyota then yes it was 2006, but if you would like to keep your same number you can have them remade for $24.00?
• me:  uh, i am not that partial to my plates i will take the new ones.
• clerk:  your total today is $72.75

 

i pull out my debit card and hand it to her.

 

• clerk:  uh, do you have a check?  it will cost you another $2.00 to use your card.
• me:  oh my heavens, you've got to be kidding me!  do you know why, the actual reason, why the state requires drivers to replace their license plates every 7 years?
• clerk:  well they say that the plates aren't as reflective anymore.

 

at this point i am somewhat exasperated.  the clerk's explanation, which i understand is not her made up rule, is completely bogus.  you cannot tell me that with all the technological advances in materials, they haven't developed a license plate that doesn't lose its reflectiveness.  why in the world can't the state just be honest and say, "we make you get new ones for all the lost revenue we've had since you passed the flat rate license tab fees."?  our government seems to find anyway they can to bleed you dry.

 

so, there you go.  life is always an adventure.  next up on the list, find a screw driver to attach my shiny new plates.

old dog, new tricks...

i wanted to share my weekend with the girls in p-town.  i actually started tapping out a rundown of the highlights and then realized that the juicy gossip, the running jokes and time we spent together is better left with just us.  i know not a very exciting story to share, but i cherish those friendships so much that maybe, just maybe i have been over sharing?

as i have said many times, i do this just for me.  there are times i talk about other people in my life and i do my best to keep their identity private, but i honestly forget sometimes that other people read this.  when something i have shared comes back to bite me in the rear, i get taken aback just a bit.  i imagine the human reading about themselves from my point of view is taken aback as well.  i logically know that everyones comfort level of sharing is very different, but i haven't always been very sensitive to how much i should share about someones life even if it is through my eyes.  time to grow up a bit and be more sensitive.  who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

so, here is what i can share, i had the best weekend.  the sun was HOT, which prompted some interesting conversations, which caused side aches from rolling laughter, which brought tears to our eyes.  there is something very comforting and relaxing being in the presence of two amazing women that i have known my whole life.  i can be exactly who i am and not worry about whether my ass-plosion, from the ridiculous amounts of rich food we consumed, is going to offend them.  i can drop the name of a fella and they know who i am talking about without a whole ton of back story.  in addition we continue to share our triumphs and struggles, solidifying our friendship even more.

oh, i can share one more thing, we found ourselves with an odd choice in theme songs for the weekend, brought to you by lil john.  this tune is pretty catchy but not appropriate for virgin ears.  i don't even know how she found this gem?  i prefer folkier music, i know it's totally nerdy and my driver for the weekend listens to primarily country but has a surprising variety of music on her running playlist.  so if you are a human who enjoys "fist pumping" this tune lends itself to copious amounts of fist pumping.  go ahead,6 click on the link and check it out, just don't judge our choice of song for the weekend.