second chances...

are you a person who gives second chances?

 

i am.  go ahead call me a push over, a door mat, a softie, whatever.  i have my reasons, that i will share, but i believe in second chances.  i don't think that this attribute of mine is a weakness, i actually think it is one of the many reasons why i can be a good friend.

 

last week was a doozy of a week.  my romantic life fell apart, i had to tell someone who used to be super important to me to leave me alone, i talked to J (he will always hold a special place in my heart), i got a really nice email about how you never know when you will make an impact and i received an email of apology.  it's the last tidbit that i want to examine and has brought this question up.

 

the last time i spoke to this human was in april 2012.  at the time a heated exchange of words transpired.  this human said some horribly rude things about me that i didn't agree with but i listened.  well read, the whole interaction happened via text.  there was never an opportunity to have a discussion with our voices and i think this may have contributed to the nastiness. 

 

i have not seen hide nor hair from this human in 5 months, and then this...

 

I just wanted to take
A minute and tell you how sorry I
Am for the way I treated you wanted
To call you months ago and talk to you
But I got a new phone and had no way
To get a hold of you I thought about Stopping
In your work but felt weird about doing that.
Hope all is well

 

wow!  i was surprised to say the least.  of course i responded and said i didn't handle myself well either (because i didn't) and that i too was sorry.  we chatted for a bit, just to catch up and that was it.  i may not hear from this human for a while or ever, but i think it took a lot of guts to apologize and reach out. 

 

here is what i have learned in my thirty six years.  i am not in a position to understand why someone makes choices.  i don't have their life history.  i'm not privy to the thoughts coursing through their brain.  i don't get to feel what they are feeling.  the only piece i get is what they choose to share with me.  whether that information is truthful, how they really feel or just b.s. i don't know.  all i can do is make an assumption and put together as many pieces of the puzzle as possible.

 

if for some reason that human comes back at a later date and says, hey i was wrong.  who am i to say well too bad for you i've written you off for good ?  now with that said i may not be ready to accept you completely, i will for sure reenter with trepidation and be on high alert, but i will definitely give you a second chance.  i should mention that i am not a third chancer or fourth chancer.  really i can only take so much before it just isn't worth the turmoil.

 

so do you believe in second chances?  i imagine at some point in your life you have wished someone would give you another chance?  i know i have.  i guess what i am saying is to be open to the idea if it comes your way.

munchausen me...

Munchausen syndrome is a type of factitious disorder, or mental illness, in which a person repeatedly acts as if he or she has a physical or mental disorder when, in truth, he or she has caused the symptoms. People with factitious disorders act this way because of an inner need to be seen as ill or injured, not to achieve a concrete benefit, such as financial gain. They are even willing to undergo painful or risky tests and operations in order to get the sympathy and special attention given to people who are truly ill. Some will secretively injure themselves to cause signs like blood in the urine or cyanosis of a limb. Munchausen syndrome is a mental illness associated with severe emotional difficulties.

 

sometimes i feel like a munchausen me.  although i don't create physical symptoms, imagine illnesses, or get radical procedures done for sympathy and/or attention, i do share my life in a way that may seem attention seeking.  in some small way there is some truth to this, but it's very minute.

i have a tumor of doubt, the pain of insecurity, and the aches of worthlessness,  however this only part of me.  i bleed words so that i can stitch up those negatives with authenticity, cast with honesty and heal through truth.  i am not seeking attention, recognition or validation, but i can see how it could be seen that way.

i think it is so important to share our stories, our experiences and our results. we have so much to learn from the people we share our world with.  unfortunately we seem to live in a time where we are supposed to be perfect. have perfect lives, perfect houses, perfect clothes, perfect children, perfect jobs, perfect complexions, and perfect relationships. we are not supposed to let anyone know that we struggle, that we have imperfections, that we are human.  there seems to be shame in imperfection.

 

the other day i received an email from a virtual stranger.  i have only met this human once, on a tour, we became facebook friends that day and i haven't had any interaction with them since.  i was somewhat surprised to receive this email, but it came at the most perfect time.  here is an excerpt from the email

 

What I'm trying to say is thank you. I know that people don't know how they or something they say, write, post whatever format information was passed on can affect someone else. I wanted to say that sharing your story has affected me and I appreciate you sharing your life good, bad and everything in between.

 

it can be scary to share who you really are with those around you.  our world is unaccepting of many things, but there is freedom in authenticity.  you may not be received well by all, but your story is important and shouldn't be hidden. 

 



sucker punch...

i think you are great, but... 

 

seriously just save it.  i know who i am.  i don't need you to tell me all the great attributes that i have that you are passing on.  it is a sucker punch to the gut.  wish my gut was iron clad so you would break your hand.  okay maybe that is a little much, but really how is telling someone i think you are great, but... supposed to make them feel better?

  

sometimes it's nice to hear it...

 

true.  this is a good point.  i think more often than not we point out others negatives, so it is always nice to hear positive things about yourself from another human being.  however, i think when you are telling someone that you are moving on, this is a crummy time to tell them.  maybe it's just me. 

don't even get me started on the cliches...it's not you it's me, i'm just not ready for a serious relationship, i have some things to work on.  my personal feeling is that most people are not purposely out to hurt others so we sugar coat or skirt what we really want to say.  the problem i see with this is that the person hearing it's not you or i'm not ready  is left wondering, well when did you figure this out because you were gung ho just a couple of days ago? 

so as you can probably guess i'm speaking from personal experience.  a recent personal experience.  recent as in friday morning recent.  i truly feel like i've been sucker punched.  first of all i was not the one who initiated this entanglement.  if i would've stuck to what i normally do i would've passed before it got started, the logistics just didn't work on paper.  however i felt such an electric connection with this human that i threw caution to the wind and jumped in with both feet.  seems as if i may have jumped too hard.  somehow i went right through the bottom and landed in a crumpled up broken heap.

i can hear the critics saying heather, you move too fast.  you trust too easily.  you should be more cautious.  well, i don't know how to do that.  period.  i give all of who i am from the get go.  you have my full attention with no distractions.  the downside, i tend to be the only one who has this philosophy.  sigh.
 
well what now?  i feel the punch.  i absorb the force of that blow through to my core.  when i catch my breath again i continue to be me.  i stay true to who i am.  eventually i will encounter a human that has the same philosophy as i do, who isn't interested in playing games, who will be in, all in and not hold back and is ready to go the distance.  i know it is going to happen.


past the front stoop...

 

my ex husband used to hate the question what do you do for a living?  he refused to answer it.  he felt it was really intrusive.  basically he didn't want to be judged on what he did and preferred that you didn't make an assumption based on his profession.  one would think he was a scum scraper by how offended he was by the question, but he's not.  he actually has a very good job and maybe that was it, he didn't want anyone to make assumptions about his financial portfolio.

anyway, that question has never bothered me.  i will tell you exactly what i do without any qualms.  i have learned to despise a different question.  one that i had never considered before...

why are you single?

 

first i had never intended on being single.  second i think it is a dumb question.  third, well i don't really know how to answer it without sounding like a stuck up snob or the neighborhood tramp.  not really, the position was already filled besides being stuck up is just so rude.  haha...i'm cracking myself up.  okay back to business.

i choose to be single.  this is a bold face lie not really the best way to start a new adventure.  i don't want to be single.  saying that is dumb.  i am not a human being who is meant to live out the rest of my days sharing the joys of me with just me. 

i don't have time.  this is only partially true.  in the beginning stages i don't have a lot of time, but i can devote what time i have to the special someone in my life.  i truly want to incorporate and include someone into my life, it is just a slow process.

men are pigs.  well as much as that seems true sometimes, i don't really believe that.  i think men are great, they add such an interesting, sometimes seriously annoying, aspect to life.  for the most part men seem to be very simple creatures which balances out the ultra complicatedness of women. 

i'm not ready.  again a lie.  i am more than ready.  itching, craving, salivating at the chops ready. 

 

if i knew why i was single, don't you think that i would do something to fix it?  i can say it isn't for a lack of trying.  i routinely and continually put myself out there.  although it may seem like i entertain a revolving door of men, there are very few who i let in.  this is the snob part...it is not so much that i think a certain man is good or not good enough, but there needs to be many things that line up for me to bring you past the front stoop. 

the smart ass side of me wants to answer this question very differently.  i've never had the balls to do it but someday...

random man: why are you single?

 

smart ass me: i have 7 children from 3 daddies, a stuffed animal collection that takes up my bed so i sleep on the couch, and i spent a good portion of last year in a padded room, but i'm not really sure why.  i think i'm pretty normal.  (insert cheeky wink)

 



piss poor mood...

F-you

 

really that is where i am at.  i don't swear a lot.  however this two word statement seems to fit today.  i can say with one hundred percent assuredness that my tolerance for bullshit is waning. 

 

i have been edgy, crabby, irritated, upset and in a generally pissed off mood since saturday afternoon.  i can't seem to shake it.  in return, my crabbiness is lurping into other areas of my life.  i am short in my answers, have less tolerance for obnoxious noise, no patience for arguing and well anything else that is bothersome i don't want to deal. 

 

really i am just pouting.  things aren't going my way and i being a brat about it.  short of having a foot stomping tantrum i'm handling myself like an oversized two year old.  does it help that i have other factors that are increasing my toddler like behavior?  maybe if i explain them you will side with me.

first of all i am exhausted.  i have slept maybe 10 hours combined since saturday night.  yes you read that right.  if you know me, you know that i sleep a lot.  that i value my beauty sleep.  not only do i value it i need it.  i do not function well without an adequate 9+ hours a night.  i seem to have sleep cycles; like a rock, like i'm on a rock, and nothing like a rock more like throwing the rock.  i am in the throwing the rock phase.

i cannot turn off my brain.  this is a problem i have been plagued with since i was a preteen.  i have tried all my tricks, but sleep eludes me.  i seem to drift off at some point, but i am only sleeping about 30 minutes at a time with hours in between where i am wide awake.  the plus side of being awake, i am getting in a lot of good reading.  i have finished two books this week and it is only thursday.

the other reason why my mood is in the shitter is because i am having my period.  ladies, i am sorry but as much as we want to deny that this affects us, it does.  on sunday, my bff bethy actually got up and moved away from me at the soccer game because i was in such a foul mood.  the sad part, i was really trying to keep it under wraps, but i wanted to rip someones head off.  that is a hard emotion to contain.  thankfully i am not that strong, i was in a mood to cause some serious damage. 

bethy and i had talked about it on tuesday and we were in tears of laughter.  she said i haven't seen you like that in months.  and she is right, i am not like that every monthly cycle, but this was a doozy and it is just keeps on coming.  sigh. 

so you see there have just been too many factors that are taking my mood from irritated to violent she beast.  at this point i need something to go my way, get a good nights sleep and stop the shedding of my uterus for heavens sake.  i've had enough.  i'm raising my white flag. 



cemented...

she is sitting alone hidden by the cover of darkness.  cemented in her insecurity.  wrapped in her tears for comfort.  searching the immense inky void for a pin prick of hope.

 

just my leading lady appeared in my dreams this time.  she is so sad.  it is hard to watch her.  i wish i knew what happened to her.  why she is alone.  why she is sad. 

 

she is on his side of the bed curled around his pillows.  hombre black rivers are coursing down her face.  she is whispering, so quiet that unless you saw her mouth moving you wouldn't know she was emitting a sound.

 

i can only imagine that she is saying a prayer.  praying that he will return to her.  that the immense passion they shared isn't over.  that they will find a way.

 

she is flipping through pictures.  smiling.  touching the glossy paper in a gentle manner.  tears are once again carving channels down her face.

 

i wish i could've seen what she was looking at.  i would like to think it is pictures of her and her leading man together.  it breaks my heart that she seems to feel it is hopeless.

 

she is once again lying on his side of the bed.  filling every space he had once claimed.  she wraps her arms around herself in a comforting embrace and drifts off to sleep, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

 

i am happy that she is finding sleep.  this must mean that she has stopped fretting.  stopped thinking about what happens next.  has given the battle over to God. 

 

the next thing that happened blew me away.  that dreamy leading man appeared.

 

he slips in beside her, pulling her close to his chest.  presses a single kiss on her forehead and whispers, "we are going to be okay".  she kisses him fiercely on the lips then settles into the comfort of his arms and murmurs, "welcome home".

who would you marry....

 

 if you were to get married tomorrow, who would you marry?

this was a surprising and strange question coming out of the mouth of my ten year old daughter.  i may have choked on my pizza, i can't really recall.  obviously i wanted to know a little more and asked what do you mean?   with a perfectly straight face she replied of the men you know, who would marry if you had to marry tomorrow? 

 

well i'm not going to divulge who it is, but i did have an answer.  i think my answer may have shocked her a bit, because i had to add a bunch of qualifiers.  the main one being she didn't exist.  in true preteen form she rolled her eyes and gasped a MOM!  she obviously didn't like my qualifier, but she wanted to know who.

 

if i didn't have kids or any type of limitations, i know exactly who i would marry.  if that person was interested is a whole different scenario, but that wasn't the premise of the question.  i wouldn't trade my kiddos for anything, but i would definitely have a different life without them.  she knows of him, but wanted to know why.  my list of attributes were as follows; intelligent, creative, hysterical and beautiful. 

 

more eye rolling with a mom, men can't be beautiful they are either handsome or hot.  i personally, don't use hot to describe men.  i do use handsome, but what is beyond handsome?  i guess i don't really know, so beautiful is what i went with.  she didn't approve.

 

we giggled a little bit and then she said well is there someone you would marry tomorrow and i could still be alive?  haha, love the way she worded the question.  this is a harder question to answer.  there are men in my life that i adore, cherish beyond words and love their company, but would i marry them?  no, which is probably why i am not with them.

 

you may be thinking, hold up flo what about your special someone??  this is a very good point and i have a good answer.  our relationship is new.  i'm still learning about him.  we seem to have great chemistry, many things in common, laughter comes easily, i am very attracted to him, and he possesses a lot of the qualities that i look for in a partner.  so what's the deal?  it's just new.  to say i would marry him seems premature although i want to spend a lot more time with him.

 

i have a rule of thumb, i don't ask a question i wouldn't answer.  this seems to be a fair and reasonable approach to question asking.  so i turned the tables on my daughter and asked her the same question.  you are probably guessing she rolled her eyes.  absolutely she did.  i was surprised to learn that she has two little friends that made the cut.  she had reasons for both; one being a really good friend and the other is a boy she thinks is hot.  oh my goodness i am not ready for her to use that word or think of boys that way.

 

so friends, mainly the single ones i don't want my married friends to get in trouble, if you had to get married tomorrow who would you marry?