2011 birthday disaster...

it will be my birthday in a few days.  i love my birthday, it is a day that is all about me.  i really don't mind getting older.  i must say it is better than being ashes in an urn or buried in a fancy box that no one really gets to see.  i could do without the slow progression of wrinkles, sagging, and grays but whatever.  i think i am aging pretty well.  i don't get carded at the movies or when purchasing alcohol so i don't look super young anymore, but there are some ladies who are my age that look twice my age.  drugs and alcohol really wreak havoc on your appearance, just another reason to say no.

anyway, this time last year i was dating matt.  we were still in our honeymoon phase, boy did that fizzle out fast.  anyway, i was scrolling through "drafts" (blog posts that i never finished) and there was one about my birthday:

i had a heck of a time sleeping last night. i was hot then cold, my legs were unsettled, my feet kept cramping, i had a kiddo in my bed (i don't sleep well with my kids in my bed), i kept looking at the clock watching every minute creep by. at exactly midnight i got a text from matt wishing me a happy birthday. he is so sweet. then i must've drifted off for a while because i was startled awake by another text at 5:30...happy birthday!!!

this was as far as i got, because by the end of the day i was pissed.  i was madder than a rooster in a cock fight.  i should've paid attention to the signs, and looking back it was a pretty obvious sign, but you have to remember that i was in the honeymoon phase.  that phase where you give tons of allowances, grace periods, or excuse behavior you wouldn't normally tolerate.  first i should give you a little history.

matt was, i guess he will always be, younger than me.  not by much, two years.  when i had met matt, he causally said that when i turned 35 i would be too old for him.  during the weeks leading up to my birthday he kept saying it's too bad this all has to end.  i always blew him off, chalking it up to a somewhat skewed sense of humor. 

so my birthday came, i got the text at midnight and that was it.  i didn't hear from him the rest of the day.  at first i thought it was kind of funny, and to be honest i was expecting some sort of shenanigans, but that faded quickly.  by the end of the day i was fuming.  it wasn't until midday the following day that i heard from him, but the message took me completely by surprise.  he broke up with me, via text, stating that we lived too far apart and didn't want to ruin my birthday with this disappointing news.  funny that even though he said he didn't want to ruin my birthday he did just that. 

here we are a year later.  an unsuccessful dating experience under my belt, a few more wrinkles, a little squishier and turning another year older.  i have definitely learned a lot about trying to incorporate a man into my already complicated life, but it hasn't deterred me from trying.  adding a new member, and maybe extra kiddos, is a delicate dance that requires immense patience and stellar communication. 

hopefully this birthday will come and go without any major disappointments.   i do not see anything earth shattering on the horizon so i should be safe. 

cheers!

please don't wring me out...

i was unloading the dishwasher.  frustrated that i am the only one who thinks to do this, but also keeping myself busy so they wouldn't see my glossy eyes.  glossy from tears.  i didn't want them to go. not today.  not any day really, but especially not today.  i peeked over my shoulder and saw my two beautiful children both engrossed in their kindle fires.  i wish they were actually reading, but both were playing some weird zombie game. 

then there was the knock.  that familiar knock on my door.  i can count on that knock every thursday evening.  my heart stopped for just a moment.  i took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat.  blinked my eyes several times holding off tears that i was sure were going to crest at any moment.  i didn't want them to go.  not today.

my buddy came and wrapped his scrawny arms around my waist and gave me a giant squeeze.  i love you mom.  he says those words because he loves me, i am his mom, but sometimes they are said out of habit.  he is leaving and that is expected.  he looked at me and said have a good night.  you too, was all i could say without him seeing me struggling to keep my composure.  he turned and left to give his blankie a hug goodbye. 

i'm not sure if he sensed that i was going to have a hard night, but he stopped at the door, turned around, looked me in my glossy eyes and said, i love you mom.  this time it wasn't habit, this time he wanted me to hear him.  he said it different, he looked at me different.  his message was full of love.  i love you too buddy. 

i think we have all heard that little boys love their mammas.  that they will always love their mammas.  i definitely feel the love from my son.  he is thoughtful, protective, sweet and silly.  he opens my car door in the mornings, is the last one to say i love you at night, and always wants one more hug and kiss when i drop him off at school. 

i soak up his love like a sponge.  please don't wring me out.  i would rather be so saturated that i am dripping his love on those around me than wrung out dry. 

blip...

i am not an app junkie.  i am a game junkie, and download game apps, but other types of apps i don't really get excited about.  correction, i do love my starbucks app.  the simple fact that i don't need to haul in my carry on bag, otherwise known as my purse, into the store to purchase a cup of coffee makes me want to jump up and down.  it's the little things. 

even though i am not an app junkie, i peruse the app store checking out all the new amazing and wonderful apps that are available.  my phone could do some really cool things besides play music, text and suck me into silly games, i just haven't taken the time to learn how things work.  so in an effort to be more spontaneous, remember this is my word for 2012, i decided to try a new social media app called blip.me 

it is pretty cool.  you record your voice and publish it.  you only have a limited amount of air time per message.  people can follow you, respond to you, and you can respond back.  it is a lot like any other social media forum, except you can hear the persons voice.  you can also link your voice message to your facebook page or twitter account.  kinda cool. 

now you all know how much i love the written word.  words speak to me, they definitely bring me some sort of satisfaction.  you all remember J, right?  well J is amazing with words.  he is poetic, romantic, and fierce with his words.  i don't know another person who can move me so much through written word.  i definitely miss reading his thoughts, his poems, and his perspective on this world.  J, i hope you are doing well.

here is something you may not know about me.  i love voices, especially men's voices.  deep, kind of raspy voices are soothing and sexy to me.  have you ever been in contact with an amazingly handsome specimen of the male gender?  you know the type that you could sit and stare at for hours?  perfect jaw, hair, eyes, physique, teeth and lips...it captivates you.  what if he opened his mouth and a high pitched eight year old girl voice escaped from those perfect lips?  for me...total turn off.  it wouldn't matter how perfect he was to ogle, if i didn't like his voice i wouldn't want to sit and carry on a conversation with him.  shallow?  maybe, but we all have our preferences.

this brings me back to the app.  with written word you get to put your own inflection, tone, and cadence to the words.  and as good as some people are with their words, you don't always get the point they are trying to make.  so with blip, the author so to speak, gets to recite exactly what they are wanting to say to the world.

kinda cool, right?  i think so.  with all social media, it is a time sucker.  between draw something, pinterest, twitter, facebook, words with friends, scramble, wordfeud, and hanging with friends..i simply don't have the time to voice all my thoughts.  ha!  just think of all the trouble i could get into if i didn't require 8+ hours of sleep?

cooking for one stinks...

cooking for one stinks.  there really aren't too many recipes that are directed for one person.  it is near impossible to purchase provisions for just one person.  it's no wonder that so many single people eat unbalanced crummy food.  it is far easier to pick something up than purchase all the ingredients and watch them spoil because you didn't need that much. 

so i thought i would share one of my favorite things to eat, that is easily adapted for more people if need be.  i love pasta, but i can't stand paying a restaurant for noodles.  noodles are so stinking cheap to make and purchase it drives me bananas to pay $15.00 for a plate of noodles.  with that said, there is a restaurant in lake stevens, contos, they have the best spaghetti en greco ever, however i don't like how oily it is so i make my own version at home.

tools you are going to need:

a small pot to boil noodles

a skillet to make the sauce

colander to drain the noodles

cutting board

sharp knife

ingredients:

olive oil

noodles any long solid noodle, not a tubular noodle

a handful of cherry tomatoes

2-3 cloves of garlic

salt and pepper

fresh basil

feta

i like to get everything out before i start.  the "sauce" is super fast, so i put my pot of water on then get to chopping.  i also get my oil hot.  i don't measure the oil, one to two turns of the pan is all you need.  i don't like my dish too oily, so i only go one turn of the pan, but if you like a saucier sauce then go two turns of the pan.  cut your cherry tomatoes in half and throw them in the pan.  i salt my tomatoes, this isn't necessary but i like to layer my flavor and season as i go.  you want your tomatoes to get squishy and kind of break down but not so broken down that they don't look like tomatoes anymore.

while my tomatoes are getting squishy, the noodles should be going in your boiling water.  i salt my noodles.  some people add olive oil to their noodles so they don't stick together, sometimes i do sometimes i don't, most of the time i just salt and stir.  adding olive oil does flavor your noodles a little bit so you make the call.  follow the package directions for cooking noodles.  i like my noodles with still a little bite, not mushy, so about 7-8 minutes. 

so we have tomatoes breaking down and noodles boiling, time to smash up the garlic.  there are many ways to peel garlic; put in the microwave for 10 seconds, use a handy gadget that rolls the skin right off, or you can do it my way...i cut off the end that was attached to bulb, lay my knife with the blade horizontal to the clove and garlic and hit my knife with the heel of my hand.  just be careful to not cut yourself with the blade.  with your garlic smushed the peel just comes right off.  i chop my garlic roughly, i like the big chunks.  add your garlic to the tomatoes and let the garlic soften.  i don't like my garlic browned just softened, saute for a few minutes. 

at this time your noodles should be draining in the colander, the tomatoes and garlic are happy in the pan, it's time to cut up some fresh basil.  i buy the live basil, keep it in my window sill and grab when needed you really can't top fresh herbs.  if you don't have fresh basil, just omit it will still be yummy.  so stack the basil leaves, roll them up like a cigarette and run your knife through them...a chiffonade.  your basil should come out in strips or you could just tear it up, whichever.  i like a chiffonade i think it looks pretty.

everything is done now.  time to assemble.  put your drained noodles in the skillet with the tomatoes and garlic, toss and plate (or bowl).  dress your noodles with feta (as much as you like), the basil and some salt and pepper if you want.  it is now time to pack your face.  this is definitely better hot than cold, the olive oil solidifies when it is cold and i don't know about you, but i think that is a weird feeling in my mouth.

i love this and would probably eat it daily.  hope you love it too.

hey sandman....

another sleepless night.  grrr...  i seem to go through spurts of these.  there are times when i sleep like a baby and then there are times when i just can't seem to find sleep.  hey sandman hook me up! 

my morning started off really, really nice.  i went to a friend's house for coffee, sat out on the porch, enjoyed some thought provoking conversation all while basking in the sun.  seriously it was dreamy.  being at this house brought up memories of my old house.  i really did love my old house and i must admit that i am missing it tonight.  not only am i missing my house but i am missing the fantasy that i wanted to come with it.  you know the happily ever after fantasy? 

instead i am sitting in my bed in my freezing cold room with my fleece pants and hoodie.  i have my cat laying next to me in the most inconvenient place, but i can feel his heartbeat and his presence reminds me that i am not alone.  my mind is racing.  i am getting sucked into that vortex that i think a lot of single folks get sucked into how long am i going to be doing the single gig?  i really don't like that my mind takes over, but i can't seem to distract it. 

when my kids can't sleep i tell them to think of happy things and just keep trying.  what a bunch of horse crap that doesn't really work.  i should really rethink my advice to the kids.  my happy things entail my fantasy life where everything is peaches and cream.  spending time in fantasy land makes my reality seem much worse than it really is.  just keep trying...well i have been for the last several hours, it just isn't working. 

eventually my overactive brain will take a break, my eyelids will not be able to stay open and i will not remember falling asleep.  i will wake in the morning, start my daily routine and continue on with life.  for some reason the lyrics

put one foot in front of the other

and soon you'll be walking cross the floor

put one foot in front of the other

and soon you'll be walking out the door

are playing in my head.  maybe this is what i will fall asleep repeating in my brain?  i suppose this is better than some other options. 

good night.  hope you are sleeping well. 

cut the cord...

i am quickly approaching a time in my daughter's life that is making me super uncomfortable.  i am not a helicopter parent, you know those parents who hover over their children day in and day out to make sure they ward off any dangers or unsavory temptations and steer them down the path of virtue and honor.  yeah that is not me.   i am more of the trial by error parent, learn from your mistakes while i am loudly explaining why that doesn't work.  i am also not the parent that wants my children to stay little forever, but maybe just a little bit longer would be nice.

with every passing day the time my daughter wants to spend with me wanes. she has started this thing when we get home from school where she goes directly to her room, does her homework and does not emerge until i call her down for dinner.  i have told her several times how much i dislike this, but she replies mom, i need some me time after school.   we discussed this again yesterday and i am beginning to think that this is my issue.  she needs her time without her mom, some independence to do her stuff without me asking her one hundred million questions.  i hate it.  have i mentioned how much i hate it?  well i hate it.

i liked when she came home, gave me a hug, sat at the table with her homework, asked me for help and then told me i had no idea what i was talking about only to get upset and leave the room in a huff.  oh my gosh i can't believe i just admitted how much i miss that, but i do.  well i don't miss the eye roll and exasperation that exudes from her, but i miss her presence. 

i do have to say she is being productive during her me time.  getting her homework done, cleaning her room, making her bed, painting her nails for the twentieth time that week, or reading.  i have no complaints on how she is using her me time, i simply want to be a part of it.

is it really time to cut the cord and let her spread her wings? can't i force her to sit at the table with me and do homework? i will let her have her space after dinner, i promise.  this is for sure a hard transition, for me, but as with everything else i am sure i will adjust with some time and we will learn a new routine that allows for me  time and us time.

200...

this marks my 200th post.  published post that is.  i've composed a lot more but seem to lack the courage to publish them.  i am kind of surprised i've had this much to say and share publicly.  granted not all of what i've said or shared has been interesting, profound or even funny, but i've said it anyway. 

so how does one mark their 200th post?  i am guessing there won't be any confetti that magically sprinkles down from the sky, or balloons, or flowers, or a man in a suit handing me an over sized check with an insane amount of money scrawled on it for my accomplishments.  bummer, that would've been totally cool.  instead i will just keep writing. 

well this is going to be short and sweet because i have nothing great to tell you.  ho hum.  all i really have to say is thank you for being on this journey with me.