a calming affect....

 

me: i feel calmer when you are around.

him: why do you think that is?

me: idk...the presence of another adult is calming

 

i noticed on tuesday afternoon an uneasiness creeping in. almost as if a dark looming cloud was eclipsing the sunny residue from the weekend.  i was really analyzing why the calm was dissipating and the worry was edging in.  there was only one thing that had changed from monday to tuesday, him.  could his presence really have such a domineering affect on my inner peace?  i'm going to attempt to articulate what i mean because i think this is huge.  well huge for me, but maybe for someone else too. 

 

as i have shared, i have a male friend who i've introduced to my kids and who has been spending a fair amount of time with us.  i don't see him at all during the work week (completely opposite work schedules and distance make this complicated) but from early saturday morning until monday morning, when i leave for work, he is at my home.  during that short span my aura is more peaceful.  

 

i am used to doing everything by myself.  in my married life and in my single life i have run the show.  caring for the people i am close to brings me satisfaction.  i guess you could say this is how i show my love.  when i was a stay at home mom i had ample time to get everything done and not feel rushed.  however being a working single mom my time has been divided up so much i need five more of myself to be able to do one task to my standard.  feeling like i am not taking care of business leaves me feeling frenzied and rushed, the exact opposite of peaceful and calm.

 

although i don't ask him to do any of the daily household things (set the table, laundry, dishes, etc.) i feel like i could.  if i find myself in that moment when i only have two arms instead of eight i could say hey would you mind ____________?  and the extra set of hands would be there to assist.  i do ask my kids to help out with things, but it's not the same as asking an adult.  an adult just knows how to do something, asking the kids to help is a learning opportunity which requires instructions, patience and more instructions.  sometimes you just want something done.

 

i have always been an early riser and i'm still waking up at the crack of dawn, but instead of getting out of bed, grabbing my coffee and starting my day, i hit my snooze and curl into the warm body next to me. i don't usually go back to sleep, but allowing my body to soak up the comfort that only comes from the arms of another has reduced my "get up and go" hot wired start. after going so long without having a man in my bed, i have forgotten just how safe and secure i feel knowing i am not alone and want to relish in that moment as long as i can.

 

probably the biggest change is how i use my phone. i am not held captive by a four and half inch screen. in fact i hardly ever pick up my phone. it is quite freeing to not worry about the 15 words with friends games i have going, or the 12 song pop challenges staring me in the face.  i'm not having conversations with my virtual friends, instead i am talking with the real live human that is next to me.  as much as i love my virtual friends the interactions with living breathing flesh is so much more satisfying and fulfilling.

 

so i guess the answer to could his presence really have such a domineering affect on my inner peace? is yes.  

 

 

bullseye...

 

on sunday night i was out with my friend watching football and warming up to play a round of darts, or two.  i was feeling pretty good about my dart skills.  during warm up i was the hitting the bullseye left and right.  some friends arrived, the trashy bar food we ordered was masking the smell of stale beer, and the cups were full.  there was an easy, carefree attitude in the air.  a perfect way to end a pleasant weekend.  then i received a text that shattered my carefree mood.

have you ever received a message that stops you in your tracks?   there is that moment where you think this must be a joke.  then you read it again and think oh my word this is real!  well i had one of those moments. 

the text required that i quickly make it home, leave my friends, and prepare for operation cuddle.  it is unnerving to walk through a door and not know what you are going to find. 

peyton? ashton?

 

no response.  immediately i thought the text was a joke and i was irritated that i had fell for it.  i climbed the steps, entered the kids room and found them curled up together reading.  for once there was no arguing between them, they were relying on each other for comfort and support.  i sat on the edge of the bed and operation cuddle commenced. 

 

there are moments in life when i know exactly why i am here on this earth.  my role as mom is the hardest most fulfilling experience i have ever had.  most of the time i go through my day like it's no big deal, but then there are those days that i can feel the difference i am making in my kid's lives.  for all the grumbling and sassy back talk they dish out, i know that they count on me to take the wheel and guide them through life.  lucky for them, i will rise to the challenge over and over again to take that burden from them.

 

the news and our judicial system is riddled with story after story of parents who forget where their priority should lay; kids dying, kids being neglected, and parents paying the price. i could've been that parent the other night. i could've received the text and said ah they will be fine. let me kick your ass in a round or two. 

 

i think sometimes it is hard, as a parent, to put your own selfish needs and wants aside in order to be the best parent you can for your kids.  becoming a parent didn't mean that i stopped wanting, desiring or dreaming.  on the contrary, being restricted by obligations has made me desire more, want more for myself and live in a dreamland to escape the reality of motherhood.  at some point my time will come, but for now it's about my kids.  i'm okay with that.

 

p.s.  the graphic above isn't one of my throws, but i have hit the bullseye three consecutive times and have a picture to prove it.  my picture just isn't as beautiful as that shot. 



eat a slug...

 

would you rather eat a slug or a...

 

have you ever played this game?  you give the person two completely ridiculous options and they have to choose which one they would rather do.  my kiddos find great pleasure in this game.  most of the time i don't want to choose either, but that goes against the rules you are required to pick one.

 

recently i decided to introduce my "friend" to my kids.  i will say this is the soonest i have ever introduced a new male person into their lives.  this is new territory for all of us.  i was uneasy at first about how he would react to my kids and how my kids would react to him.  so far it has gone well.   i consider going well no major meltdowns from the ratchets or any unexpected this is too much and quick departure from the friend. 

 

this is not to say that there hasn't been some posturing from the miss p.  she is the hardest to please out of the two.  she has definitely copped an attitude more than once, been ultra sassy to see how far she can push me in front of my guest, and been utterly ridiculous in her behavior.  although she is the toughest to please she is also the easiest to get cozy.  she will choose to sidle up next to him on the couch to do her homework. 

 

ash on the other hand takes a completely different approach than his sis.  first of all i think he is glad to have some testosterone in the home.  most of the time he is outnumbered and dominated by estrogen.  ash is big on our guest getting priority; dish up first, the last of the orange juice, best seat,  what have you it's all about our guest.  the nervous side of him asks 100 million questions in succession, a lot of the times it is the same question repeatedly.  that is enough to drive anyone crazy.

 

the other night we were driving; the kids in their respective seats, me captaining our ship and my co-pilot.  i don't have a co-pilot very often, but i like it.  ash was spearheading the what would you choose game when miss p chimed in with her slug option.  before she could give the other option he quickly answered...

 

uh no! i would eat anything else besides a slug.

 

there was lots of giggles coming from everyone.  ash was giggling in his prepubescent nine year old boy giggle.  miss p was giggling in her "i've got something else coming" giggle.  i was giggling enjoying the interaction between my ratchets and their shiny new toy.  he was giggling in a good sport "who comes up with this stuff?" giggle.

 

...or a turd?

 

belly laughs all around.  only kids can get away with asking ridiculous questions such as these. 

 

i am pleased with how things are going.  i am sure there will be some hiccups along the way from all parties, but for now we are giggling, a lot. 

crude and vulgar...

as most of you know i have been on dating sites, social networking sites, and a variety of other forums.  i can't say that i am always looking to meet anyone, but it never hurts to expand your circle, right?  unless it involves this trend i have noticed in the male gender that i find disturbing.  i am positive that there are women who do this same thing, but i don't experience that side.

what is it about being for the most part anonymous that gives men (and i'm sure women alike) this pass to say or suggest crude and vulgar things to strangers?  i honestly don't get it.  is it because they don't have to face the slap that would follow saying such a thing in person?  is it because this human wouldn't normally talk this way and feels they have a more open voice through written text?  or maybe this human is just looking for a quick lay and is skipping the niceties.  if it is number three, there are illegal services all over the place for this, those ladies are expecting this kind of talk. 

call me old fashion but when use the word referencing a female cat in your opening dialogue to a woman you have just crossed a line.  i tend to reply with why would you ask a complete stranger that?   i guess i feel if you are going to ask a completely inappropriate question you should be able to explain it.  i have yet to receive an intelligent answer, i suppose i should consider the source.  if this human does answer, most of the time it is i was just flirting, sorry to bother you.  are you kidding me?  when did flirting turn into an overtly sexual proposition?

before i go any farther i would like to say that i am very playful with my partner.  key word..my partner.  the person that you are supposed to be intimate and playful with.  i should mention that i am not usually that crude in my speech.  i tend to word things more romantically, as if i am reading a novel.  i have never been good with vulgar dirty talk it just feels funny on my tongue.

so here is what i think, this type of sexual dialogue is best left for someone who knows you. someone who is familiar with your personality, your humor or lack of it, the sound of your voice, and basic agenda.  when you speak this way to a stranger, a person with no prior history or context, it just comes across as creeper.  sex offender immediately pops into my brain and a giant flashing sign radiating beware is watermarked over the message.

i think it is disturbing that there seems to be no boundaries anymore.  the lines are all blurred.  i understand that the old fashioned way of courting someone is long gone, but i'm definitely not a fan of this modern version of courting.  i would rather go to chuck e. cheeses, deal with millions of unruly ratchets and eat overpriced crappy pizza weekly then have to be in the same space with these subpar humans.

wrong side of the bed...

 

i have said this many, many times...i am a routine person.  routines are predictable.  predictability means there are no surprises.  no surprises means that my pretty uneventful life runs smoothly.  running smoothly means that i am a happy camper and my mood stays somewhat even keel.  this is good news for anyone who happens to interact with me.  now of course one week a month it doesn't matter how predictable things are i am a hormonal mess, but three out of four weeks is pretty good.

 

the kids, myself and my fella friend were going to the store to get ice cream, a movie and whatever else we could find.  i was driving.  my ratchets chimed in from the backseat mom always parks in the same place.  they are right, regardless of the plethora of open parking spaces close to the entrance i almost always park my car in the same section of the parking lot.  i really don't think this is so weird, but looking at the quizzical look on my fella friend's face, i could be wrong.  after the look went away he said you are a routine person. 

 

i have a couple of reasons for parking where i do.  first, i always know where my car is.  i don't have to try and remember where i parked.  it is kind of like always putting your keys in the same place when you get home.  they are always where they should be.  how many times have you put something in a different place and then panic because you can't find it?  i don't like that feeling, so i put things in their home.  second, they (whoever they is) says americans don't move enough.  so i park far enough away that i have to traverse the parking lot to get to the door.  now i realize this increases my chances for a collision with a driver not paying attention, but my recovery should be faster because i am in better shape. 

 

on a side note...i am missing the fella mentioned above.  we spent a good majority of the weekend together.  i have mentioned this before, but i think it is so strange how easily i can get used to someones presence and how much i miss it when it's gone.  i should clarify that this doesn't happen with just anyone, but there is an ease that comes with this fella.

 

anyway, i passed out last night in the middle of a text conversation and while reading.  i always sleep on the left side of my queen size bed.  the right side is usually vacant, although it was occupied over the weekend.  i woke this morning on the right side of my bed, occupying the space where he had been, my book was open but not to the page i had left off on, and my reading light was still on.  i must've moved over sometime during the night to just be closer. 

 

i must say it was a little disorienting to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  thankfully the cliche didn't ring true today.

just friends...

 

as they laid in bed legs entwined, feet touching, bodies pressed together, his arm draped across her torso she asked, "is this what friends looks like?" 

 

is there anything more devastating than hearing i think we should be just friends? well maybe i should back up a few steps. let's say you met someone that unexpectedly knocked your socks off, so you jumped into this whirlwind romance and then heard i think we should be just friends? does that change anything for you?

 

as you know i have been spending time with a certain fella, then came the sucker punch and two weeks later we are still...i don't know, friends?  we still talk (but not as much as before), we still see each other (even less than the limited time before), we still enjoy being around each other, but the romantic piece that was before has been shelved.   logically shelving the romantic piece is wise, but keeping that lock box with my passion secured is easier said than done.

 

how does one flip the switch from romantically involved to platonic friends?  can it even be done? 

 

i really don't think it can.  i think the best you, or me specifically, can do is turn off your head and just feel.  be in the moment, without trying to anticipate what will happen tomorrow.  for all i know i could get hit by a bus tomorrow and would've missed out on sharing a moment when i had the chance.  i don't want to miss out.  i want to enjoy every moment as they come. 

 

truth be told, i liked how things were before the sucker punch.  in a perfect world i would have unlimited time to nourish a romantic relationship, unlimited time to devote to my children, friends and family, unlimited time to see my passions and dreams come to fruition.  unfortunately that is only in my dreamland.  in the real world there isn't enough time for any one thing and i spread my time thinly across the board making the best of what i have. 

 

so maybe at this stage just friends is right where i need to be?  i still can't wrap my head around it completely, but i'm getting there.  when i am in the same physical space i want more than what i am getting, but truly enjoy every moment of his company.  when we are apart my head is focused on the task at hand (getting lunches ready, solving sibling rivalry, laundry, scrubbing the toilet and world peace).  when it is just me, in the shroud of darkness, i am wishing that his warm body was next to mine.



locked out...

i have nothing important, revealing, poignant, funny or ridiculous to say.  what is happening to me? 

this week i forgot my pin number.  i have had the same debit card for three years, with the same pin number the whole time.  i did not pick out the number, it was issued to me.  so the digits hold no significant value to me outside of the fact that is how i access my millions.  oh wait, my pennies. 

i was at fred meyer trying to buy a baguette to go with dinner.  i swiped my card, lifted my hand to type in the pin number and stalled.  frozen in midair.  my mind went completely and utterly blank.  i stared at the keypad unsure of what to press.  after several tries, i had successfully locked myself out of my own bank account.

i don't carry cash very often.  i spend it too fast.  as if it might disappear if i don't purchase something i can hold onto forever or consume it.  i haven't ever had my dollars go up in flames, but i find it hard to hold onto cash almost like it were on fire.

i had told my brain lapse moment to my friend bethy who instantly said i'm worried about you.  what's my middle name?  i sat there with a puzzled look on my face trying to think of her middle name.  now in all fairness i don't use it that often, not like my debit card that i use daily, so this wasn't the fairest question.  she looked at me with an exasperated concerned look and we said it at the same time ann! 

there were two things i knew for sure about my number

 

1.  my four digit secret number contained only two digits

2.  none of the digits were in the middle row

 

i went to the bank the next day and explained my situation and pleaded for help.  after much run around and a phone call later, they agreed to unlock my account and give me three more shots before issuing me a new card and pin number.

 

so back to fred meyer i went.  this time i only attempted to purchase a pack of gum.  i had that much change to cover the transaction just in case i locked myself out again.  i picked a checker with a friendly face.  you don't want to try these shenanigans with someone who doesn't have a sense of humor.  i explained my situation and she seemed ready and hopeful that i would miraculously remember.

 

attempt 1...wrong

crap

 

attempt 2...wrong

really?  i thought for sure that was it

 

attempt 3...success

two arms raised and a woo-hoo

 

the checker quickly handed me a pen  you should write it down before you forget again.  i followed her advice and wrote that super secret, completely irrelevant number sequence down.  now i just need to hide that number somewhere so nobody can find it.  hopefully i don't forget where i stashed the number. (wink)