living in the moment...

going to lighten things up today. the past few posts have been heavy. well for me they have been.

in the past month i have posted, more than once, a particular song on my facebook page. this particular week i have had it on repeat (i needed the extra reminder). i am sure i have listened to it at least a bazillion times and i am not tired of it yet. at this point i know every single word including the whistling portion. i find myself humming this catchy tune whenever i step away from the actual music source. i can't help myself i love this song.

in the spirit of the song living in the moment i am going to share my major achievement of the morning. thrilling i know. i love when i can back my car into a space perfectly between the lines on the first run. my ex husband had shared early on in our dating years that more accidents in parking lots happen with people backing out of space, so i try to back in as often as possible so i can just pull out. i always think it is funny the little bits of information that stick with you. anyway, this may not seem like a major achievement but we will back up twenty years, yes twenty, and you will see why.

twenty years ago i was sixteen. the age that every teen looks forward to. the age when our true freedom begins. getting your driver's license is one of those major achievements in life that opens doors that were previously closed. you no longer need your mother to drop you off at the movie theater, bowling alley or whatever local hang out you go to. you no longer need to bum rides off your older friends or have to take the bus to get to school. yes, getting your driver's license is a right of passage to freedom.

taking the test and passing it was a nerve racking experience for me. i remember it like it was yesterday. i took my test in the city i am currently living in, marysville. my mom brought me. i took the driving test in the car i had been learning in, a light blue, four door, stripped down toyota corolla. it was a manual shift, windows that you had to roll down with a handle, a radio but no tape deck (this was before the age of cd's and xm radio), not even power steering (this car was a beast to turn). it had tan cloth interior and i was in love with this car. it was to be my ride when i passed my test.

i can remember sitting in the lobby of the dmv, nervous as all get out, feeling like i was going to vomit, just waiting for my name to be called. a man who looked just like waldo minus the striped shirt called my name. we climbed into my blue toyota and drove off. i was doing great; looking both ways, stopping at the appropriate times, maintaining the perfect speed, checking all my mirrors and then i made a big mistake.

we were on a side street, he told me to turn the corner and put it in park. i did that to perfection, then he said back around corner. he may have said back slowly around the corner, but my foot had another plan. i put my car in reverse and floored it, whipping my car recklessly around the corner. he grabbed the oh shit handle, braced himself and i'm sure was holding his breath. i came to a screeching halt and let out my breath, apparently i was holding mine. he calmly said, well that was the fastest back around the corner i have ever experienced.

i failed every other technical maneuver from this point on. i knocked over every cone parallel parking. is there anymore to fail? i can't really remember. anyhow, we get back to the dmv, i park my car cattiwampus in the space he tells me to and put in park. he finishes slashing my record and turns towards me i'm going to pass you. if you can't park that is your own problem. make sure you come to a complete stop and look both ways and you should be fine. oh my word!! you are kidding me, i passed? best day of my life up until that point.

so you see, being able to park my car perfectly on the first shot is something to be celebrated. living in the moment is celebrating and finding joy in the small things that happen everyday. it is also letting go of things beyond our control. as you know i struggle with this, but with the help of jason mraz's melody looping in my head it is a little easier.

architect of my own anxiety...

i am the architect of my own anxiety....

a wonderful friend of mine shared these words with me today.  the moment my ears received the words and my brain registered the message i stopped what i was doing.  literally i stopped.  these words resonated so much with me that i made this my facebook status today and now i am expanding on it.  it gives me goosebumps to have moments like these.

for the unfortunate men who have crossed my path and moved on they will understand exactly what i am going to talk about.  i have enormous, skyscraper high, amounts of anxiety in regards to how i am perceived and where the path is going.  i know where it stems from i just can't seem to control it.  this is a major, i'm talking major, character flaw.

it would be fine if i had this anxiety and kept it to myself.  if i did this i would only be torturing me.  only carrying on the negative and ridiculous anthem in my head.  not pushing myself on those around me.  unfortunately i don't know how to do this.  i have no idea how to keep my mouth shut.  i don't know how to let it go.  everything tells me that i need to state my position.  here's the problem, i turn into the bat shit crazy stalker girl that everyone warns each other about.  i over step the boundary.  i make people uncomfortable, including myself.  i cry.  i panic.  i create hysteria. 

the skyscraper i am building is floor after floor of

you aren't enough

when i finally make it to the top of this ridiculously high skyscraper i am taxed and crashing to level g in the underground parking.  i can tell you it is extremely exhausting for me and i can only imagine how insanely exhausting it is for the receiver.  most of the time, well really all of the time, my behavior is inexcusable even to me. 

here is the interesting part of all of this.  it might only be interesting to me, but when i am in someones physical space i have no anxiety.  it melts away like an ice cube.  i can see that person's expressions and body language.  i can hear their tone and pick up on the sarcasm.  i guess you can say that i am visual and am reassured by what i am seeing.  it's that whole saying actions speak louder than words.  however when i am left to my own thoughts doubt starts to creep in and i tailspin. 

holy man, i am a freaking disaster.  no wonder i am single.  lord almighty i need to get a handle on this.  somewhere, somehow i need to come up with a strategy to stay cool, to not panic and remain calm.  clearly i have a lot of work to do.

so to my dear friend who shared these profound words, thank you. 

a hard question...

Mom, why is God making our life so hard?  Why can't we just be happy?

there are questions that my kids ask that i have no idea how to answer.  i am not able to answer the questions my daughter asked from a biblical standpoint.  i am not that strong in my religion.  i usually refer to her my friend bethy for biblical questions, but this was a situation that i had to deal with and i owed her that.

i honestly don't know.  i have my theories; so we appreciate the good stuff, so that we are reminded God is there and draw on him for strength and guidance, or so that we don't become lazy and entitled.  there are many, many reasons why people have to go through trials.  it is too hard to narrow it down to just one thing.  so instead of answering her question directly i focused on appreciating all the blessings that we have.

i believe that happiness comes from within.  recognizing and relishing in the blessings we already have is where true happiness comes from, everything else is just frosting.  even though i believe this i find myself getting trapped in the want for more.  when i was talking with my daughter i pointed out all the wonderful things that i have; amazing kids, incredible friends, a supportive and loving family, a job that supports me, a roof over my head that keeps me warm, the ability to feed and clothe myself and my kids.  i am truly rich and fortunate to have so much when so many have so little.

here's my trap, and i explained this to my daughter, i am not satisfied with all of the above. i don't want more close friends, or more children, or even wealth.  i want a companion someone that i can lean on, lift up and laugh with.  i know at ten years old she doesn't quite grasp this, but i think it's important that my kids see that i struggle with things just like they do.  more importantly that it is possible to move forward. 

the next part of our discussion was her telling me all the blessings she had in her life.  hearing her list all of the love she experiences was amazing.  i have so, so much to learn from her. 

a familiar stranger...

funny how i am struggling to find the words to share my latest adventure.  my thoughts seem to be stuck inside unwilling or maybe unable to to find an exit.  i'm not sure how to capture the feeling through words, but i will give it shot.

i should start with that it almost didn't happen.  there was a lot of trepidation and hesitation.  it is not everyday that i fly across our great nation to meet a complete stranger.  sure you can get a feel for someone through conversation, but it is totally different being in the same physical space as that person.  sitting at the airport surrounded by hundreds of people, not knowing a soul, made me feel small and insignificant.  my AD (alone disorder), kicked in full swing.  to top it off i was exhausted beyond belief, nervous about how things were going to go, and getting sick to my stomach.  in the end i boarded the plane. 

all of the anxiety and nervousness washed away when i saw him.  he is the most handsome man i have ever seen, ever.  forget about your brad pitts or fireman calendar pin-ups, they've got nothing on this man.  he has the kindest, gentlest eyes i've ever had the pleasure of looking in to.  they are captivating.  but they are framed by these eyebrows that are playful and add a bit of mischief.  when you couple that with the coy smirk of his mouth, it is perfection. 

as you can tell i was smitten.  the fact that i had now been awake for 24+ hours didn't seem to matter. i was a little girl enamored with a new puppy.  i'm sure i looked like a fool; haggard and disheveled with more zits than a 15 year old (stress played a nasty trick on my face) and a ridiculously cheesy grin.  i couldn't help myself, i was hooked from the get go.  i was now running on pure adrenaline, admiration and awe of this ridiculously handsome man that i was sitting next to.   i can tell you that didn't wane at all throughout my weekend, i caught myself staring, soaking him in, and cataloging him in my memory. 

like any vacation you stay up late, eat horribly unhealthy food, and partake in activities that you just don't do in a regular day.  we did all of these.  i'm pretty sure i gained at least 15 pounds in 3 days.  food has a way of bringing people together.  for some reason when a platter of delicious food is before you conversation seems to be easier.  maybe it is the addition of the spirits that are accompanying the food, or maybe it is just attraction and a desire to learn more, or maybe it's voodoo.  whatever the case, we had tons of great conversations filled with laughter and revelations.

we recorded our adventure on the app where this all started, sharing with our fellow blip friends how things were going.  our banters, laughter, and playfulness are preserved forever.  i had promised a photo to our friends and we were challenged to make it creative.  i am pretty sure we didn't disappoint.  even if no one else liked our photo we laughed hysterically making it.  he actually took a video and chose a still shot then added some ridiculously outrageous headline to take it to the next level. 

waking up on sunday, realizing that the fantasy was ending and i was heading home was hard.  as you all know i am horrible at controlling my thoughts and emotions.  i failed horribly at trying to keep my composure.  our breakfast was very silent.  i was deep in thought, he seemed to be too, but i didn't ask any questions.  when we got back to his place i busied myself with packing my belongings, but once that was done the tears started to flow.  i was embarrassed that i couldn't hold it together.  as progressive and modern as i was pretending to be (we are going to have a fun weekend with no expectations or obligations), i am an old fashioned girl hoping and praying for mr. right to enter my life. 

there was so much i wanted to say on the way to airport, but i bit my tongue.  the reality is we live on opposite sides of the country, but my ego wanted to know if i had left a lasting impression.  he pulled up to the curb.  we shared one last embrace.  i searched his face for an answer, a clue, anything.  i thanked him for a lovely time and casually said, "if you are ever in washington look me up."  i turned to wave and walked through the doors into the airport.  i wanted to look back but didn't want to embarrass myself anymore than i already had.  the bubble i had lived in for the weekend had just burst and i was left slumped against a cold foreign wall wondering what will happen next.

the future is always an unknown.  there is no way to predict what will happen next.  even those with the best laid out plans still falter and fail.  i come away from this experience knowing that i met and connected with an amazing man.  if i ever have the chance to see him again i would make sure it happened.  i am proud that i didn't chicken out and let an opportunity pass me by.  living requires risk and i am choosing to live instead of observe.

putting my best foot forward...

my whole body falls apart when i run myself down.  here's my situation.  i am coming off of an emotionally and physically draining week.  i am exhausted beyond belief.  i haven't been sleeping, have only eaten small amounts, have traipsed all across the county from activity to activity, and pretty much exhausted all my reserves.  i am literally operating on fumes and coffee.

with all the stress of life, i have what my friend bethy refers to as pizza face.  put your imagination caps on and visualize a pizza, maybe just the pepperoni part and place that over your face.  i have zits, not big ones, but i would beat a teenager in an acne throw down today.  oh my word, how can a woman of 36 still have zit problems?  i didn't even have them that bad when i was a teenager.  in the middle of the night i googled an overnight cure.  so here is what it said, (can't remember the source because it was the middle of the night) juice half a lemon, soak a cotton ball in the lemon juice and dab it on the affected area.  so a word to the wise, lemon juice on a pimple is a very uncomfortable feeling.  it stings like you've just brushed up against nettles.  i will say that they look much better this morning than they did prior to the treatment, but i am not sure if it was worth the sting.

i have bags under my eyes that i'm positive will hold all 85 tubes of lip gloss i own.  i'm not kidding.  i am sure there is remedy for this too, like tucks wipes, but i use cream.  oh yes, having children wreaked havoc on my body and i am still plagued with hemorrhoids today, not currently but often enough to keep the cream on hand.  i wonder if the cream works the same as a wipe? where do those bags come from anyway?  at least they aren't dark circles, puffy i can semi handle.

in between every cup of coffee i am downing a giant slurpee size glass of water.  i have brushed my teeth twice today and i have chewed multiple sticks of minty gum, but i still have the driest, cottoniest mouth around.  i swear i have been stuffed with sawdust and it is wicking every ounce of moisture out of my mouth. 

so far i've just mentioned my head!  i am usually 5'8", but today i am barely hitting 5'7".  pretty sure my osteoporosis spine is making an appearance today.  my legs have that second day lift burn, not sure where it is stemming from since i haven't lifted weights since...oh... 2010.  thankfully i am not rocking cankles or water retention through the gut.  gotta look at the bright side, right?

anyway, i'm at the end of my week, my stress level has reduced dramatically, the overload of activities are through and i am ready for some rest and relaxation.  ha!  mothers don't get breaks who am i kidding?  i have one more long restless night ahead of me, but maybe i can catch up on my sleep the next day? 

empty apologies...

how many times can one ask for forgiveness? 

does anyone else find apologies empty?  words mean nothing if they aren't supported by actions.  is it really too much to expect that we as humans weigh our actions and words before playing them out?  i know the answer to this is yes, because that is reality, but it would make life so much easier if humans were more proactive.

how many times has someone said i'm sorry  just to turn around and do the same exact thing the very next day?  how many times do you accept their apology before you say look unless your actions are different your apology means nothing? 

i had this very conversation with my daughter the other morning.  i feel like her whole life i have been on repeat.  i have two major complaints about my daughter.  one she has a very sharp tongue and is often times hurtful with her words.  it is difficult for me, as her mother, to not react to her quips.  she has a wonderful sarcastic, witty sense of humor but learning tact in delivery is torture.  two she has no follow through.  everything is done to the bare bones, there are no extra steps with that child. 

my expectation is lofty and developmentally unrealistic.  i understand that children do not approach life from a logical standpoint, they are impulsive and reactionary.  as they mature, get some life experiences under their belts and develop the shift from impulsive to logic happens.  i find myself struggling with the fact that she has the knowledge but she is still more impulse than logic and developmentally isn't capable of always making a choice that works for me.

with adults it is different.  as adults we have the knowledge and maturity to approach life situations from a logical standpoint.  in theory we should be able to make choices that don't require an apology.   however humans are selfish by nature and although we may have good intentions executing them is a different story all together.

so i ask you this, do you accept empty apologies (because the words aren't supported with actions) until the end of time because you realize you can't change human behavior and they are doing the best they can?  or do you put a cap on the number of apologies you will accept before turning away?

inside my fortress...

"who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one." ~japanese proverb

if you have followed my journey you will know that i am basket case when it comes to relationships.  actually i can break that down further, i am a basket case when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man.  i can tell you i have come leaps and bounds in the last few years, but there is still work to be done.  i am still beautifully flawed.

presently i am consumed in a fantasy.  at least it feels like a fantasy.  i am not ready to divulge any real specifics, but it is a long shot of a romance.  different time zones, different life styles, different just about everything, but still i am compelled to explore.  the whole situation seems utterly impossible but i can't seem to turn it off. 

i guess i am at a point where i am willing to take a risk.  the sane side of me says play it safe, stay in your comfort zone, stay inside your fortress of solitude.  inside my fortress there are no surprises, no disappointments or unknowns which makes my fortress extremely boring, uneventful and lonely.  i am craving the interaction, excitement and passion that comes with a man.

i have tried a relationship with distance, but the distance was just far enough to make it inconvenient.  it was easy to say "i'm tired don't feel like driving".  to say that i have a bad taste in my mouth regarding distance is a bit of an understatement.  since that experience i have narrowed the search to about 10 miles.  stop laughing, i was trying to be realistic.

here is my theory.  if i am going to be romantically involved with a man i want to actually see him face to face.  be in the same physical space as often as possible.  the thought of having to jump in my car and drive for an hour or more to have dinner with my beloved seems like a waste.  i can hear the distance supporters shouting you just haven't the found that person and in all honesty they are probably right. 

like i said above, i am consumed in a fantasy, a long shot, a one in a million chance that this could be the guy.  if i think about all the things working against me i can easily talk myself back into my fortress and raise the drawbridge forever, but a force bigger than me is seducing me to the unknown.  maybe a larger distance will relieve some of the anxiety i have in wondering when will i see him next.  a larger distance requires better and more extensive planning.  when you go through that much planning it is harder to blow the other person off. 

so here we go, i am switching gears.  instead of staying within a 10 mile radius, which by the way i have scoured with a lice comb, i am broadening my horizons.  hopefully that japanese proverb is right.