family time...

what does your family look like?  do you have a traditional nuclear family?  mom, dad, siblings and a  dog all residing under the same roof?  maybe you have an all too common broken family? mom and dad in seperate homes and the siblings bounce back and forth between the two homes with the family dog in tow.  or maybe you have a blended family?  a step parent, step siblings, your biological siblings and parents and a cat under one roof.  there are many other types of families, but these three i think are the most common, especially in our american culture. 

holidays, like the one we just had, are traditionally a family day.  i come from a broken family and now have a broken family, so juggling families isn't new for me.  however, it is different when you are the parent having to do the coordinating.  when you are the kiddo you just go where your parents bring you.  my ex and i have a pretty standard holiday visitation schedule; we trade holidays and then the following year it is reversed. 

last year i didn't have my kiddos and went to portland to visit with my friend keri.  that was super fun, i actually really enjoyed getting away for the holiday weekend.  this year i had my kiddos and we spent time with my dad on saturday and my mom on sunday.  on our way from my mom's the kids both asked about seeing their dad.  i know how hard it is to not see both your parents on a holiday and want to ease that as much as possible for my kids.

we stopped by their dad's house.  in my head they were just going to run in and say hi, happy easter, get back in my car and we would go home.  in reality, they jumped out, ran in to say hi, then ran back out can we stay the night?  i am a softie, the relationship with their father is important and i try not to interfere with that, so i almost always say yes.  after a couple of hugs, kisses and i love you's they tumbled out of my car. 

my buddy turned back to wave and i was crying.  i didn't mean for him to see me cry.  this meant he started crying and i summoned him back to my car.  he climbed in my lap and i held him like an infant.  a really long infant, but just how i held him when he was tiny.  he wanted to know why i was crying.  i told him that i always cry when i drop you off because i miss you before you leave my sight.

both my children have tender souls, they are always so concerned about my happiness.  i don't like my children seeing me in weak moments.  the ones when i lose my patience, or the ones when i am a pitiful heap of tears, or the ones where i don't want to get out of my bed because the day seems too much to face.  however, i think it is good for them to see that i have all the emotions they do.  that things hurt or are hard but those things aren't barriers trapping me in a quagmire of despair. 

eventhough i was sad to watch my children leave, i am glad they got to spend some time with their dad.  i am sure he appreciated it too.  i hope you all had a blessed holiday and enjoyed the day with your family, whatever your family looks like.

36 and loving it....

today i am 36. 

happy birthday to me!

do you examine yourself in the mirror on your birthday to see if you look different?  checking for a new gray hair?  or another wrinkle that is gracing your face?  or maybe another chin appeared overnight?  or maybe your rear has dropped an inch?  i know i can't be the only one who does this, right?

i woke up this morning looked in the mirror and took a step back.  looking back at me was a pizza face with bloodshot, puffy eyes.  this woman's hair had a huge rat's nest poking out from the left side and the right side was all over the place.  who the heck is in my mirror?  i took a step towards the mirror, leaned in over the sink and stared at that woman.  oh yeah that is me.  wow 36 looks rough!

there is a really good reason for the i drank all 100 bottles of beer on the wall, haggared look.  i hadn't really slept.  i went to bed with excellent intentions of getting a solid 8 hours.  however my children had other plans.  after the 15th trip upstairs to console my buddy who was suffereing from fever nightmares i decided to drag him down to my bed.  shortly after i got his sweat soaked clothes changed and safely snuggled in my bed, my daughter came in crying i don't want to sleep upstairs all by myself.

i have always thought i have a lot of patience, but something happens to me between the hours of 1:00 and 4:00 am.  i lose every ounce, i mean every ounce, of patience i have.  when my daughter came in crying the only thing i could say to her was so help me if you don't have it figured it out in 5 minutes...  i am sure this was delivered in a demon possessed gruff voice, but i'm telling you something happens to me that is beyond my control.  at some point during the constant starts and stops of sleeping we all drifted off.  only to be woken by my alarm, chirping happily that it is the start of another day.  oh my goodness, i was so not ready for that. 

as you can see the day didn't start off exactly as i had planned, but like a trooper i turned it around, got the kids up, turned myself into a birthday goddess and made it out the door on time.  i thought i was doing pretty good until bethy said what is wrong with your eyes?  they are all puffy and bloodshot.  gotta love the honesty that only your closest friends share with you.  she didn't ask me about the teenage acne that was spreading across my chin, i guess she could tell by my expression that i could only take so much. 

overall the day was great.  my kiddos sent me on a scavenger hunt in the morning for my birthday note.  i had to work, but my coworkers had a little celebration complete with red velvet cake, flowers and coffee.  the ladies took me out for pizza and beer, they sure do know me.  i met up with a friend after dinner with the ladies for a nightcap.  it really was a great day. 

in the blue corner...

there are things that i despise about myself.  most of them are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but i loathe them regardless. for instance my jiggly jello posterior.  yes there is a fix to this and i will get there, but i need to complain about it just a little bit more.  or the fact that i am always covered in bruises, most of the time i have no idea where i get them.  it seems like i go to bed with porcelain doll skin and wake up looking like i fell down a flight of steps. the weirdest.  or the fact that i am a needy nelly.

in the blue corner we have needy nelly.  she is insecure, unreasonable and ridiculously loud.  she replays conversations looking for a hidden meaning.  she looks at conversations that don't happen and wonders why they don't happen.  she needs lots of reassurance and hand holding.  when nelly takes hold her grip is fierce and ironclad.  she is hard to ignore because she invades my thoughts and begs me to pay attention to her.  nelly you are like a chinese water torture. 

in the red corner we have rational rita.  she is of sound mind, extremely confident and radiant.  she looks at things logically and recognizes that she isn't the center of attention.  she takes what comes her way and appreciates every interaction.  she stands on her own two feet without needing to lifted up by anyone.  rita is a strong, independent, happy woman.  rita you rock.

nelly and rita spar often.  the constant battle waging in my noggin between these two is exhausting and relentless.  to date nelly and rita are pretty evenly matched their ko's and losses are neck and neck.  i am obviously rooting for the red corner but the blue corner has a sneaky left hook.  nelly has had some great conditioning and she doesn't tire easily, whereas rita has no stamina unless she takes nelly out in the first round she is easily defeated. 

what i need to do is find a way tip the scales in rita's favor.  great communication is the conditioning and training that rita needs.  the problem is i have never been a great oral communicator.  i can make your eyes blur with countless words to read, but sitting face to face and conducting a meaningful, purposeful conversation is not my strong point.  i definitely know what i want to say but i must be wearing an invisible muzzle because the words are trapped within me. 

it is high time to start the training.  i might be able to incorporate some physical training into this conversational bootcamp so i can cure my jiggly jello posterior. ha!  regardless of what happens, nelly you are going down.

post intoxication...

recently a friend asked me what are the other stages of a relationship?  i read your blog and you mentioned the honeymoon stage, what are the rest?  i responded with well, i don't know.  i have had one significant relationship outside of my marriage and touched down briefly past honeymoon. 

i think you start with the honeymoon stage, or something i like to call the intoxication of newness.  when i first meet someone and they pique my interest enough to see them again, i feel like i am on a happiness high, or that i am parched and can't seem to quench the thirst.  admittedly this hasn't happened to me often, but when it does it is exhilarating and all consuming.  i want to talk to that person all the time, learn more, see them whenever and at all costs.  like i said it's intoxicating and i have a hard time controlling myself.

there is a small problem with this stage.  i touched on this the other day, you tend to be blind.  maybe this is something that happens only to me, but i know that i overlook or allow things to be that i wouldn't normally put up with because i am head over heels.  stupid i know. for some reason i find it hard to keep my eyes wide open, my heart in check and my head clear.  i stink at relationships. 

after that initial intoxication stage, it seems like you fall into a familiar routine.  if by some miracle you are still enamored with your partner after the intoxication wears off, there might be a good chance you will spend some considerable time with this person.  at this point your "goo goo ga ga" goggles are off and you are seeing this person for who they really are and they have most likely dropped their guards.  i can tell you from past experience i haven't been so enamored during this stage and ultimately the journey ended.  sigh. 

the only other stage i seem to be too familiar with is the ending of a journey.  i am not good at goodbyes.  it doesn't matter what kind of goodbye it is, they make me sad.  is there anyone out there that enjoys goodbyes? 

really what this all boils down to is i don't know squat about relationships.  i clearly don't know how to make one last.  i know people who have successful relationships and have asked, what i think are good questions about their secret, but i 'm still at a loss. 

so friend, i have absolutely NO idea.

my mouth's on fire...

at fred's rivertown alehouse in snohomish

this picture was taken by a friend who i've been spending quite a bit of time with but who wishes to remain anonymous. for someone who shares their life through facebook, twitter, and blogging this is really hard for me.  it's hard to hold back and not blab to the whole world who my anonymous friend is.  darn those people who keep their social life private.

anyway, this picture was taken at the last place we went.  as you all i know i really like my beer.  i am not a crap beer drinker.  i like a microbrew, preferably dark, not too bitter and ice cold.  seeing as this is an alehouse it did not disappoint.  there is a new cask beer every tuesday, the one this week was awful, some pale ale junk, we didn't even finish the sample.  instead we opted for the arrogant bastard, you really can't go wrong with that particular beer and it is fun to order.  i am amused by little things.  if you aren't a beer drinker the wine menu had a lot of choices and there is a very large single malt scotch selection.

the menu is very diverse.  we had the asian nachos; crispy won ton chips, marinated steak, mozzarella, peanut sauce, cilantro, green onion, chopped peanuts and sriracha sauce.  they were out of this world yummy!  my friend ordered this with extra sriracha sauce.  i wouldn't recommend this unless you are a huge sriracha fan.  i am not, i prefer to keep my taste buds and be able to feel my mouth, but that could just be me.  this was plenty big for the both of us.  i would go again just to have these nachos, they were that good.

the atmosphere is right up my alley.  it has that cheers feel to it, where everybody knows your name.  its casual, jeans and tshirt work here.  the staff was very friendly and i have a feeling if you frequented this establishment they would know your order like your corner barista does.  the clientele was very diverse; couples, families, groups of girlfriends cackling like hyenas, men's groups checking out every lady that walked through the door, young and old alike.  a very comfortable place to hang out and shoot the breeze.

the food was incredible, the beer was fantastic and the company was stellar.  i hope to be back to fred's soon...hold the extra sriracha sauce.  *wink*

a persuasive temptress...

i am being seduced.  a persuasive temptress luring me to a new promise land.  a magical land, full of vibrant color, serene landscape, ample generosity and an abundance of peacefulness.  i am cautiously following the seduction.  if i knew it wasn't a facade and behind the curtain of glory there wasn't a wasteland of disappointment i would run and never look back.

who is this temptress?

where is this promise land? 

life without facebook is the promise land.  before you balk hear me out.  i am hearing more and more people who have either retired their facebook account or choose not have one to begin with.  it might be my imagination but these same people seem to have a calmer, less dramatic air about them.  could it be because they are void of the drama that you can find yourself getting wrapped up in? 

i am admittedly addicted, or maybe obsessed is a better word, with my facebook account.  i look at first thing in the morning during my love affair with joe.  i check it while i am at work.  i have my phone set to receive messages and alerts.  i check it before i go to bed.  i love seeing what 600 of my closest friends are up to, all of their successes, failures and funnies.  watching their families grow up through pictures, following their blogs because they link them to their homepage, supporting their cause or business.  it is all fascinating to me. 

i don't necessarily comment on pages, status updates or even photos i just like to watch.  i suppose that makes me sound like a creepy stalker or voyeur but whatever.  i am nosey.  humans are intriguing.  i love that i know people who live in other countries, who are comedians, musicians, actors, business owners, homemakers, and everything else in between. 

with all of this easy access to other people's lives comes drama.  people hooking up and breaking up, marriages falling apart, health issues, weddings, or new members of families.  it is really easy to want to follow the story unfold.  facebook is like having a virtual smut magazine of people you know.  as you know i live a very open and public life.  i know this isn't for everyone, but it works for me. 

so what would happen if i took a break?  if i just stopped following the lives of 600 and just engaged with actual humans?  humans that i can feel, touch, see, and smell instead of virtual humans?  would i spend more time nourishing those relationships?  would i feel less important by shrinking my interaction to say 20?  would my life seem less chaotic? 


i know i won't be getting a rash of emails, texts or phone calls begging me to keep my facebook account.  i am just not that cool.  but would i be missed?  does it matter that my virtual friends miss me?  in theory i would be spending more real time with my friends and getting all the support, love and friendship i need, so i shouldn't care about being missed.

i am not sure if i will ditch my account.  if i do it won't be anytime soon, but the temptress is there.  she has hooked me in her powerful clutch slowly pulling me towards her. 

one please...

one for the hunger games

small popcorn, please

with my single serving popcorn, just a couple of napkins and immense anticipation i entered the dimly lit theater.  i scan the theater for the perfect seat, for just one.  i see many couples, groups of friends and a couple of parent/child teams occupying the rows.  this particular theater you enter from the back of the theater, so i take a seat in the first row i come to on the aisle. 

as i get settled into my chair, in an empty row, i felt kind of like a loser.  there are a lot of lonely things one does when they are single.  going to movies, eating at a restaurant, or sidling up to a bar all in the company of just yourself are in my opinion some of the loneliest.  on the flip side there a lot of things that are done best alone.  going to the bathroom, having your yearly pap smear or going to the shrinks office come to mind.

when i am at the movies i am craving to share the experience.  i want to talk about the previews.  which upcoming movies i will be purchasing advanced tickets for and which ones i would rather poke myself in the eye than spend my money seeing.  if the movie theater has trivia before the previews i can engage my companion in a little friendly competition.  it just isn't the same to sit there and yell out the answer, the other patrons just think you are being obnoxious.  now i don't talk much during the movie but i want to after, comparing thoughts, favorites and dislikes.  you don't get to do any of this when you go to the movies by yourself.  it's the pits.

i finished my popcorn just as the movie started.  here is one small benefit of going alone, you can control the amount of crunching in your personal space.  the movie was captivating, it grabbed me right from the get go.  towards the end i leaped a mile out of my seat, i am pretty sure my rear completely left the cushion.  i'm not sure if i would've jumped as much with another human next to me, but i could've grabbed onto them at the very least and slowed my heart just a bit.  i jetted out of the theater as soon as the credits started rolling.

i loved the movie.  it is definitely worth seeing in the theater.  find a companion, it is just so much better.