drama queen...

P has a flair for the dramatics.  it's not always easy to tell if she is just being drama or if she is really having trouble.  i don't always take her seriously.  part of the skepticism comes from how i was raised and the other is that she is over the top about everything.

we celebrated her 10th birthday on friday with her 3 closest friends; tay, abs, and soph.  the night included a buffet of overly processed fried food, candy, soda, and ice cream.  top that off with a late night of giggles and little sleep.  the next night she stayed at soph's house for another late night and less than healthy smorgasbord. 

upon her arrival home on sunday night she fell face first into a pile of blankets and pillows stating, "i don't feel good."  my first thought was duh, you've had a weekend full of partying what do you expect?  i picked her up out of the mass of linens, held her on my lap (which by the way at 10 she is getting big, but i will pull her on my lap forever) and said, "i'm sorry beauty.  just lay here on the couch for a bit."  i did feel her forehead, it was warmer than usual, but i didn't believe she was ill.

sometime in that hour when most people are sleeping she climbed into bed with me, "mom i still don't feel good."  i have learned over the years that if i don't open my eyes i can stay somewhat asleep, so with my eyes closed i said, "okay, just go to sleep."  i am really sympathetic to sick kids in the middle of the night.  okay maybe i am not, but this mamma needs her sleep.  it is often interrupted by my over active brain, bad dreams (mine and the kids), or a sound.  you know those sounds in the middle of the night that wake you up?  you freak yourself out and can't get back to sleep??  that happens to me all the time.  anyway, 6:00am monday morning comes way too early when your sleep is interrupted, sleep is definitely a precious commodity.

when i was growing up my mom had some rules in order to stay home sick.  one...you had to have a fever.  there really wasn't any other reason we were allowed to stay home.  two...you had to watch fiddler on the roof.  this is my mom's all time favorite movie.  my sis and i were guaranteed an afternoon with a milkman, a matchmaker, the butcher and a tailor.  if you haven't seen it and enjoy musicals this is a pretty good one.  third...you didn't do anything but rest.  i have adopted these sames rules minus the movie.  i've had my fill over the years.

so with a fever over a hundred she gets to stay home.  i instruct her to make her nest on the couch and settle in for the day.  i had ambitions of getting a lot accomplished with my unexpected day at home; laundry (washed, dried, folded and put away), a little baking, getting my christmas village put away, cleaning the bathrooms and straightening up a bit.  let's see what did i get done? nothing, i parked my rear on the couch for a little snuggle session and never got up again.  i chose instead to expand my winter butt.

the term winter butt makes me think of my life from many moons ago.  when my ex husband and i were dating, we had a group of friends that consisted of two other couples.  one of the couples was really into body building.  during the off season (winter), when they weren't getting ripped, they ate a little dirtier, didn't spend their whole life at the gym and were in better spirits (really i'm just referring the male half of this couple, he was such a bear during competition season).  anyway, he is a big man, and when not competing even bigger.  we used to tease him about his off season fanny, "get your winter butt in here".  makes me giggle.

after two days of a fever over a hundred and one restless night due to screaming and sobbing she went to the doctor.  i guess a raging ear infection will cause such discomfort.  come on i'm not a doctor, how was i supposed to know?  if i raced her to the doctor every time she said, "i am so weak i can't even lift my hand." in a barely audible whisper, i might get the reputation of being a hypochondriac over bearing neurotic mother.  this isn't a title i want, instead i have the title of why didn't you bring her in sooner mother? 

a sick day, or two, with my daughter is heaven.  to have that one on one time when she falls asleep on my lap is priceless.  i miss the days when i could hold her on my chest and we rested on the couch.  although she is a pathetic sick person, i secretly love that she needs me so much.  as she gets older she believes she needs me less, and although i encourage independence, i still love the days she needs her mommy.

chameleon ways...

i started writing while i was separated.  for some reason today i decided to read through it.  i came across a couple of paragraphs that scared me.

i have completely immersed myself into being the perfect wife and the perfect mother and block out most everything else.  i have stopped seeing my friends from my previous job.  at this point i really don't have any friends that i do things with or talk to.  i have isolated myself from the rest of the world and focused on my home, my child and the baby on the way.  i am isolating myself from everything just as he is isolating himself from our family.  although i will never be an addict my behavior mirrors his behavior a good majority of the time.  when he isolates so do i, when he focuses on just one thing so do i, if he decides that he is going to stop talking to his friends i stop talking to mine.  i am not sure why i do this but in a way i feel more connected and on the same page as him if we are doing like things.  we are growing farther apart and our "family" is just beginning. 

i have no idea how to reconnect with him.  i have no idea how to bring up his addictive behavior.  or talk to him about his work.  or get him to explain what is going on with him.  i do not require him to participate in my daily life.  i do not press him for any information.  i make his life easy, no requirements just take care of you, i've got the rest. 

i read this and felt scared.  scared may seem like a pretty strong word, but scared is exactly the word that describes the feeling.  when i look at my life, my personality, the choices i have made i am reminded of a chameleon.  chameleon's change color to camouflage themselves in their environment.  it is a survival tactic.  much like the chameleon, i have typically adopted the characteristics or habits of the people i surround myself with. 

i don't like drawing attention to myself or being the center of attention.  some of you don't believe that for a minute because i am typically a vibrant, loud and boisterous person, and truth be told in small crowds or with my dearest friends i don't mind if they are paying attention to me.  however you stick me in a large crowd and the focus is on me, i freeze.  frozen like a popsicle.

one way i have learned to not draw attention to myself is to blend in. when i habitually spend time with the same person i start to adopt their phrases, their routines, their expectations.  for instance with my girlfriends we use the same catch phrases.  we say oh my word instead of oh my God.  we call our kids ratchets, this came about one night playing balderdash and the word was smatchet, which really means a nasty little kid.  for the record our kids aren't nasty it is just funny.  i feel that sharing certain things amongst my friends, having that commonality, strengthens our friendship, but i am getting at something deeper.

what scares me is that i felt like i lost myself when i was married.  i got so wrapped up in being the perfect mother, the perfect wife, keeping the peace, making our life appear normal and secure that i stopped being me.  i stopped doing the things that made me happy.  i stopped caring about myself and my well being.  i must admit that i don't think this is too uncommon for women who start families.  it is really easy to delve into motherhood and forget about yourself.  i am hoping that it was more of a motherhood thing and not a marriage thing.

the past couple of years i have been on a road of rediscovery.  i have spent countless hours examining myself,  my reaction to ups and downs, dissecting choices that i have made.  i have also spent ample hours focusing on things that truly bring me joy.  i feel like i have a pretty good grasp of who i am.  i love loads of things about heather and despise a handful of things about heather, but overall i think i am a pretty cool lady.

i am hoping that the next time around (i am speaking of my next forever) i will be able to have a better balance. there are things working in my favor.  i have a much better understanding of myself which i feel is the biggest change.  i have 10 years of motherhood under my belt, this is helpful.  i don't freak out about the little nuances of parenting, the kids and i have a good routine established.  i suppose the real trick is knowing when mr. right forever has entered the picture and not letting go.  sometimes i think he is already in my life and i just haven't found the courage to let it happen.

a random hello...

as you know, or maybe you don't and are going to learn something new about me, i am a crier.  i cry about everything.  i cry at movies; the justin bieber movie, toy story 3, and the notebook to name a few.  i cry at commercials.  i cry reading books.  i cry when i laugh too hard.  i cry when others around me cry.  i cry when i am mad.  i cry when i have something important to say.  i also cry when something unexpected happens.

this something unexpected happened this evening.  i was lying in bed reading my book when i got a text

hey miss marysville :)) just thinking of you....saw a couple dart boards and couldn't help but think of you :))

i could've told you just by the double smile smiley face who it was from.  i know only one person who does this and it has always made me giggle.  when i see the double smiley i think of a double chin.  i don't really know why but that is my first thought. occasionally there would be a triple smiley face and i would think either you are super happy or you need a face lift.  anyway, the way this person makes their emoticon is very distinct.

i recently shared a story about someone that i connected with.  it was titled sasquatch.  at the time i hadn't heard from him at all and the whole situation left me sad.  since i posted that, i have heard from him on occasion.  a merry christmas.  a happy new year wish.  and now the message above. 

every time i get a message i cry.  it probably seems super silly, but i do.  in fact i am teary right now.  the letters on my screen are blurry.  my nose is getting stuffy.  my eyelids are brimming with tears that will inevitably crest their rims and find a path down my face.  as predicted there they go, tears carving paths down my face.  sigh

i tried to play off this nice surprise message coolly but i failed.  instead of just saying something nice and witty back i inserted my hopes, wishes and selfish desires mixed into a congratulations on your new relationship.  i am such an ass sometimes.  what in the world did i hope to gain from that?  some sort of affirmation that our time together meant something?  that he still cares about me as a person?  that i am worth the time to talk to? 

the answer to all of those questions is yes.  yes i needed to hear that.  jesus i am pathetic.  pathetic with a capital p.  why in the world do i need that?   i have said this before, it has been a while but it hasn't changed, i am not confident in myself when it comes to men.  all the strength and courage and self assurance runs like a cheetah when it comes to men.  i turn into this weak snively woman who doesn't believe she is worth the affection and attention from a man. 

i wish i knew where this stemmed from.  i am not one who likes to blame others for who i am or the circumstances that i find myself in.  i am an adult who has the ability to make decisions and choices, whether those decisions are good or bad i am making them.  i have tried to understand myself and really evaluate the feeling of "not good enough", but i still don't have a good grasp on it.  maybe it is on the next horizon? 

anyway the text took me by surprise.  caught me off guard so to speak.  i don't want to not hear from him.  he is an amazing person, he deserves all the happiness in the world and the lady who captured his heart is a lucky, lucky woman.  i just wish it didn't make me cry it takes all the fun out of a random hello.

beat back love...

i bought this album on impulse.  it was at the check out counter and i thought he was cute.  oh my word i am such a teenage girl.  i was really hoping there was a poster inside, but there wasn't.  probably a good thing that might be a little weird.  can you picture it?  i have a man over (which is a rare occasion), we decide to take things to the bedroom (the dinosaurs roamed the earth the last time i had a man in my bed) clothes start flying, he throws me down on the bed, raises his head for a breather and his gaze it met with that gorgeous face (not mine).  definitely a mood killer and the inevitable question, "uh who is that?"  "oh you know my dream man."  said in the most casual nonchalant way. 

here's the problem with displaying your dream man (physically anyway, i don't know anything else about him).  if i happen to have a man in my bedroom (side note for the men, i am really into you if you've made it that far) there is now a standard to live up to.  a standard plastered right above my bed, the first thing i see in the morning and the last thing i see at night.  this might be a little intimidating?  i can tell you if i were to enter a man's room and there was some luscious woman plastered to his wall, i would be comparing myself to her.  how do i measure up? 

anyway, i am completely off track.  the title of this post is beat back love which is track three from the album.  it is an upbeat song about two friends, a guy and gal, the guy is always there for the girl and she doesn't see him as anything besides a friend.  the words of this track are resonating and making me ask myself some questions.

i have a guy friend, i am not going to tell you who it is because i don't want to.  he is fantastic.  we do lots of fun things together and always have the best time, but our relationship has never been intimate.  he knows everything about me and still loves me.  he has seen at my absolute worse, deflated in a heap of sorrow.  he has also seen me at my very best, like a shiny star. 

funny thing we have talked about "dating" each other.  this came about because of some off the cuff remark i had made and basically challenged him.  we did go out on a real date.  i will admit that it felt different.  i am not sure if it was because we went into it with a different mind set or because it was really different, but it was really nice.  so what happened?

i freaked out.  i didn't want to jeopardize what we have.  i am sorry but adding the intimacy factor changes the relationship.  i couldn't handle the thought that if we didn't "work out" i would lose my friend.  i honestly cannot imagine my life without him in it.  so friends it is.

ladies do you have that gentleman friend that is always there for you?  gents do you have a lady friend that you wish would see you in a different light?  ladies and gents is there really a way to go from being platonic friends to intimate lovers for a lifetime?  if you had the opportunity would you do it?

arcs of hope...

rainbows 

such a cool phenomenon.  i have never understood how they work or why they appear?  as a kid i was told rainbows appear when the sun and the rain are fighting for sky space. today the sun is prancing around the ring with a fist held high in victory.  hooray sun! 

there are many different places you can go to find the meaning of a double rainbow.  honestly i don't really care what it means, but i did find it interesting that when there is a double rainbow, the outside arc is a mirror image of the inside arc.  so it's colors are reversed.  i never knew that.  awesome!!  it is really hard to see in my picture i am not blessed with a Canon EOS 1Ds Mark111, i just have my iPhone camera, but the colors are reversed.

for some reason seeing those rainbows reminded me of my mom.  more specifically that my mom was my age, 35, when she found out she had breast cancer.  i can't fathom how she felt receiving that information.  i have no idea where she found the courage to tell us, my sister and i.  the faith, courage and strength it took to receive, treat and overcome cancer is mind boggling to me.

i look at my kids, they are a little younger than i was when my mom was first diagnosed, and wonder what would i say to them?  i often struggle with, how do i give my children information that is age appropriate and detailed enough to ease their curiosity without raising more questions?  it is tough.

i have never asked my mom, but i wonder how long she kept the information to herself before telling my sis and i?  i remember her telling us.  i don't recall her shedding a tear.  i am not sure i would have the strength to tell my kids something like that and keep my composure.  i get the concept of being strong for others, but i fail miserably at that.  i am an ocean of emotions.  i don't know how long i would keep it to myself?  who i would tell first?  or how i would react?  i really hope i never have to but i am sure the right words would fill the air.

rainbows

miracles

arcs of hope 

a reason to make a wish  

rainbows make me smile 

today they made me thankful for my health 

i love you mom

 i thank God everyday for you

 

the main attraction....

i woke up with this thought:  i am a preview to the main attraction.  what a strange thought to have floating through my head this morning. i don't usually remember my dreams and this morning was no exception there wasn't a dream associated with the thought.  just the thought. 

i haven't had much time to ponder this.  getting two "i'm not ready to get out of bed" children moving in the morning is a small miracle.  from the waking up, to the devouring of a hot breakfast, made by their amazing mother (yes i am talking about myself), and the final step out the door is utter chaos.  you would think by now that we would have the routine down?  well i have the routine down, but my kids are a completely other story.  oh well, i suppose it is all part of the gig of parenthood.

anyway, i haven't had time to think about this strange thought.  what does that mean i am a preview to the main attraction?   what main attraction?  why am i only the preview?  seriously, does anyone know of a dream interpreter?  or a i-woke-up-with-this-crazy-thought-in-my-head interpreter?  maybe i should google it? 

i'm not sure if you remember your dreams?  maybe you think that they mean something, like some sort of sixth sense, or premonition, or what have you?  the dreams i do remember are so wacky i can't make heads or tails of them, but almost always the same friend makes a cameo.  regardless of what the dream is, this friend randomly walks through.  it is like watching a movie and someone walks in front of the screen.  this friend never says anything in my dream, but always faces me and smiles.  so weird.

are you dying to know the friend?  probably not, but i would be if i was reading this.  i am very nosy that way.  so i will divulge the first name, kent.  i have known him since i was in sixth grade.  we went through all the awkward stages of adolescence together and have remained friends into adulthood.  i have some great memories of kent; bowling, shari's restaurant, barnyard commandos, song lyrics, notes in the summer through the mail, and most recently a great hike in the pouring down rain where we saw what we called a wild guinea pig.  it turned out to be a mountain beaver, but it freaked us both out.  kent is a fantastic person and i love all the cameos throughout the years.

kind of got side tracked reminiscing about my friend and dreams.  oops.  as you know i am pretty scattered in my thought process.  so i am left with this thought. not sure what to think of it?  not sure how to interpret it?  not even sure if it is directed at me?  maybe this is one of those things that is better left as is and not investigated?

my mood meter is whack...

i feel like a schizophrenic this week. 

snarfy

melancholy

provocative

keeping up with where i fall on the mood meter at any given time is a challenge.  i am up and down, left and right, forwards and backwards, right side up and upside down.  i have troubles deciphering where i am at sometimes.  to quote one of my most favorite people, a woman who happens to share my same name i am a hot mess! 

snarfy isn't a real word.  merriam & webster do not recognize it, but the urban dictionary does.  according to the urban dictionary it means; rude, to snap at someone.  yep, i have been snarfy this week.  i have blown people off, not responded to messages, been impatient, curt, unreasonably difficult.  all because i feel like it.  i have no good reason for my behavior and i don't necessarily think it's horribly inappropriate.  we all have deplorable behavior, some admittedly more than others, but we all have it.  i can tell you that this week my snarfiness stems from the second word on my list melancholy.

i am six days into a week without my kids.  i hate it.  everyday i miss the noise, the chaos, the arms that slip around my waist for a spontaneous hug.  i miss the bickering, hearing mom 3,500 times a day, the complaints about dinner, and the plea to snuggle just a little bit longer.  at this point in my life my kids are everything.  the herd of elephants isn't charging around, the sweet voices reading to each other are silent, my hands aren't grasping another they are left empty and cold.  oh, i miss my babies.  i simply can't imagine my world without them.  maybe if i had a beau my mood when my kids are gone wouldn't be so drastic and the third word on my list wouldn't be shouting at me so loudly.

yesterday i wrote about sex.  this is not a topic that i regularly talk about.  not that it isn't on my mind.  i just choose to share other things.  however, the trek across the arid desert seems to be getting longer.  the littlest things have turned me on lately.  without divulging too much, the problem and solution is simple. i need and want some lovin'.  i would prefer my lovin' often and with the same fella, but perhaps a spontaneous trip to coos bay for a weekend of unabashed passion will suffice.

although happy, joyful, hopeful, excited, or elation did not make my list up above i have had moments of all these emotions.  there are a handful of benefits to a week off from being mom.  one of my favorites is that i get to go to bethy's every morning and have coffee.  i had date night with duedue, we went to dinner, had a cocktail, went to the movies and then tooled around fred meyer's trying on silly hats.  i got to play darts with a new friend.  my house stays clean.  i'm going to ana's for my annual game of spoons.  i can talk on the phone.

if only my schizo moments were limited to kid free weeks.  my life would be less dramatic, but what would i write about?