i'm taking a lover...

i am a huge fan of the show Sex in the City.  i actually wish it was still in production, so i could continue to watch it.  the characters were great, the premise was fun, and it was sheer entertainment.  i remember telling a guy friend when i was watching this series, maybe i should chuck all my morals and screw around?  my guy friend totally concured with this idea. no surprise there.

i am not in the business of seeing how many marks i can carve into my bedpost, but i will admit that having a standard is rather lonely.  i wake up alone and go to bed alone.  hit repeat a thousand times and start over.  i am in the driest desert with no oasis in sight.

casual sex is something i have never been able to wrap my head around.  i think that this might be something that is harder for women, since a good majority of us include our feelings when sharing our bodies.  you can probably exclude prostitutes and porn stars from this statement.  i have never been a prositute or a porn star so i don't really know how they view sex, but i'm guessing it is different than mine.

i had a discussion about this with my friend joe once.  his thought is everyone needs a genital handshake now and then.  after i choked, cleared my throat, and regained my composure i laughed until my sides hurt.  my laughter was met with a blank stare.  obviously we have a different view, but in a way there is some validity to this.

joe's thought reminds of having a friend with benefits.  yes i did just watch the movie, predictable but kept my attention.  it may have been the repeated scenes of a half dressed justin timberlake.  or maybe the oscar winning performances?  oh who am i kidding?  of course it was justin timberlake.  anyway, this idea is somewhat intriguing and hollywood definitely makes it look appealing, but i have learned that real life rarely imitates the big screen.

i do have a guy friend that i wouldn't mind having some benefits with.  without revealing his identity (he will know it's him if he reads this), i will give you some stats; funny as hell, sexy, smart, and has beautiful teeth.  the problem.  he has a lady in his life.  i would never interfere with that, but if he didn't have a lady you can bet your sweet bippy i would be the first in line.

so what's a moral gal like me to do?  i could never be a samantha.  having sex as a "hobby" isn't part of my plans.  i don't think i could ever be a nun.  swearing off men sounds like death, besides the convent wouldn't want me.  i guess i fall somewhere in the middle on the spectrum, lonely single girl with extra batteries.  insert wink.

slacker extraordinaire...

we are approaching the end of another year.  although i am not a resolution maker, i did not accomplish any of the things i had said i might want to try.  hmmpf.  maybe this is why my invitation to the slacker extraordinaire club arrived in the mail?   i didn't cook everything out of a particular cookbook, but i did start cooking a whole lot more this past year.  thanks to some incredibly delicious and easy recipes that i found on pinterest.  i never mastered meditating, and to be truthful my attempts weren't consistent or frequent.  i suppose it just wasn't really the time to try. 

i had listed many things; read more, be more spontaneous, drink more water, eat more vegetables, be a better friend, teach my son how to tie his shoes, encourage my kids to grow by slowing down and letting them make mistakes and i liked someones resolution to paint their toes more. how did i do; fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, succeeded, partial fail.  the invitation included my nomination for president.

i have come up with many excuses for not completing, accomplishing, and doing what i had said i wanted.  for instance, drink more water.  if you can count the water that is used to brew coffee then i might have succeeded.  my coffee intake has increased this past year.  there is a simple explanation for this.  i am exhausted!   i can hear the fitness fanatics in my life shouting at me exercise you fool!  i have the time, in the morning before my house turns into a tornado, but i don't have the will power, accountability, or the drive to do it on my own.  sigh.

here is what i am thinking.  this isn't earth shattering.  it isn't even revolutionary or profound.  it just is.  i think the key for me to be able to do more of the things that i desire to do is to be more spontaneous. 

SPONTANEOUS

1: proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint

2: arising from a momentary impulse

3: controlled and directed internally : self-acting

compliments of Merriam-Webster

spontaneity is really, really hard for me to do.  i find peace in predictability.  the problem with predictability is that it is static, stagnant, conventional.  my good friend keri says this conventional = boring.  deep sigh.  i am boring.  even bigger sigh.  i don't want to be boring. 

my motto for 2012 is going to be; BE MORE SPONTANEOUS.  just for the record this is not a resolution.  i am not really sure how i will accomplish increased spontaneity.  i might have to remind myself by plastering signs in all my most frequented places.  or maybe i should record myself stating my new motto and play it while i am sleeping?  do subliminal messages really work?  who knows, i've never tried.

for now i am going to hold on to my invitation.  maybe post it to my refrigerator next to the sign that says be more spontaneous flo.  hopefully by this time next year i will get to recycle it instead of filling it out. 

peyton

Peyton is ten years old today.  when you are kid reaching that two digit age is so huge.  the next big milestone will be teenager-hood.  i am definitely not ready for that and want to savor the next three years.  in honor of my daugther i would like to write her a little note.

sis,

today is your birthday.  you are 10!  i can't believe that you are already 10, where did the time go?

you came into this world a week late with a head full of dark curly hair, the smallest mouth i have ever seen, perfect toes, perfect fingers and a voice bigger than your whole self.  you were so small, long, but small.  when i held you for the first time our hearts connected and i haven't let go.

for the first twenty months of your life it was just you and me.  i would spend all day holding you.  i just wanted to watch you, hold you, play with you, make you giggle, rock you to sleep, and soothe you when you cried.  there are days i wish you were still that small so i could just hold you.

guiding you from infancy, through toddlerhood, and to the young woman you are today has been trying, rewarding, exciting, and exhausting, but by far the most exciting adventure.  there is still so much to teach you, but the truth is you are teaching me.  you are continually teaching me to speak my mind, be in the moment and be a strong woman.

one day sis you will leave my home and create a life for yourself.  i can't wait to see the amazing things you will do.  your drive, stubborness, fearlessness, and precociousness will be the driving force behind whatever you do.  all i have to say is watch out world.

i am so very proud to be your mother. 

happy birthday beauty. 
i love you
mom

12:10 AM sign....

signs are everywhere.  how do you know which ones to pay attention to? 

when you are driving, there are road signs that help you stay safe on the road.  speed limits, depending on the color of speed sign it is either a recommended or actual safe speed for the road.  you guessed it, i typically drive the speed limit, maybe a little over, but never below.  stop signs, this isn't a suggestion you must stop and pay attention.  caution. warning.  hazard.  deer, bear or complete idiot crossings.  the road people try to help you out if you choose not to pay attention to these signs blame your own stupidity for failure.  directional signs. one ways.  gas stations on the left.  food on the right.   or helpful signs like the next rest stop is 822 miles away can you really hold it that long?  you should definitely pay attention to road signs when driving.

this isn't really the sign i am thinking of right now.

12:10 am is a ghastly hour.  i don't know why anyone would choose to be up at this hour.  i did not choose to be awake, i just couldn't turn off my head.  i know i have recounted the story of when i turned 13 and cried for months on end about getting older.  it's a good thing i pulled it together my mom was ready to admit me to a "special hotel" with padded rooms for an extended stay.  not being able to turn off my head is deeply seeded. sigh.

i tried reading, which usually works, but not this time.  i tried writing the whirlpool of thoughts in my head, but that just got me all wound up and agitated.  i turned to my computer thinking the obnoxious blue light would exhaust my eyes enough that they would seal themselves closed and forget what my brain was instructing them to do.  in theory this seemed like a good plan, but something caught my eye...

Aries Love Match

Lively and adventurous, Aries seeks a partner who can keep up but also stand by her side when the time comes. You're extremely compatible with spontaneous Sagittarius, who will support you to no end. The zodiacal match ensures a high-spirited romance filled with laughter and excitement. Fun-loving and forward-thinking Aquarius is also an ideal mate.

generally speaking i don't place much merit on astrology, however it is interesting.  the reason why this caught my eye is because i have recently starting speaking with a sagittarius.  as you know i give everyone a code name for a couple of reasons; protect one's privacy, gives me a way to talk of them in front of my kids with bethy without my kids knowing who i am talking about, and mostly because i like it.  so new code name, sag, not ultra creative but it works.

sag is intriguing.  initial attraction...a giant smile showing a full set of teeth, just like me.  sag prefers a telephone conversation as opposed to a text or email even if it just with my voicemail.  i didn't answer the first time he called, i didn't know who it was, but listening to the message left me in giggles and a smile on my face.  i have a thing about voices and sag's voice is deep, kind of raspy but very pleasant to listen to.  sag uses words that would be considered obscure in our modern english language, no surprise that i love that.  sag has a big hearty laugh, just like me.  yes, sag is intriguing.

without placing too much value on an astrological suggestion geared at every aries in the world, should i pay attention to this?  i think that there are signs all around us, but we lack the imagination to notice them.  how do you know which ones to value and which ones to disregard?  what if you miss a sign that was intended for you because you hyper focused on something you were trying to make work?

obviously i don't have the answers, a premonition, or a crystal ball.  the best i can do is continue trudging down a path with open eyes and an accepting heart.

spinning plates...

i have too many thoughts swirling through my head.  one way i know to try and make sense of what i am worrying, or thinking, or fretting about is to write it down.  being able to see my thoughts written out somehow makes them easier for me to understand.  a black and white statement of exactly how i am interrupting my thoughts.  the only time they go gray is if i stare at those black and white words too long, then they get all fuzzy.  in an attempt to make sense out of my thoughts, here we go.

so what's the problem this time flo?  i am exhausted.  i constantly and consistently live with unpredictability and irrational decisions, not necessarily from me.  this wishy-washy, however the wind is blowing for the day, way of proceeding through life leaves me scrambling for the best solution and wondering how am i ever going to be able to move forward?   i am having moments of clarity and strength followed quickly by moments of weakness and doubt.  i know logically and rationally how i need to handle these situations but i find it hard to set clear boundaries.  i am still soft.

sometimes i think my best option is just to focus on my kids, my job, my family and friends.  forget the rest, it is just too complicated.  seems like when i start trying to add another plate i mess the precarious balance of plates.  you know those bowl or plate twirlers at the circus?  i have this perfectly balanced load and then i try to add another plate and topsy turvy it all crashes around me.  i'm just not cut out for all this unpredictability and turmoil.

what is an over active, over thinking, over analyzing gal to do?  stop thinking would be the best option.  stop analyzing would be another good option.  all of which i cannot do, even if i try really hard i lack the skills to stop thinking. ugh.  i guess this leaves me with one option, balance the plates that i have and carefully add another.  i suppose if it all crumbles it just wasn't the right plate or the right time. 

hecklers...

i am coming up on my one year anniversary of tapping out my thoughts for anyone to read.  it is kind of  scary to let whomever into my head, but it doesn't seem to stop me.  well it stops me a little, there are many many thoughts that don't get "published".  i've got to have something that is just mine.

first i must admit, i never expected anyone to want to read my thoughts, this is simply my release.  i am not that interesting.  i consider myself to be your average girl next door with a couple of quirky characteristics.  i am a very routine oriented person who basically lives the same day over and over again.  occasionally i run into a snag that gives me "material" to write about. 

writing is actually quite hard, there are lots of things i think about.

1.  how to best convey my message in a coherent and cohesive way?  this is actually really hard for me.  i tend to be very scattered in my thought process.  i remind myself of a person with ADD in regards to my thoughts.  i jump from topic to topic and back again with no rhyme or reason.  when i am actually tapping out a post i cut and paste and cut and paste several times, rearranging things so that it flows or "flo-s".  haha...there is my randomness at it's best.

2.  am i offending anyone?  i don't really pay too much attention to this because i think i make it very clear i am speaking from my own experiences.  i do not claim to be an expert in any field, except for maybe being me and even then i struggle with that.  i have never said i know the answers or the right ways to go about things.  i simply share how i am feeling about a certain thing whether or not it is justified or warranted.

3.  am i ready to defend my position?  sometimes the answer  is NO and then it doesn't get published.  so yes, whatever i actually publish i am ready to defend.  my reasoning may be the most whackadoo, irrational, cockamamie position ever, but i wholeheartedly stand behind it.  i am not afraid to look like an idiot, unless of course you are talking about singing in front of an audience and then i am terrified.

4.  have i checked my grammar?  my spelling?  yes. i do this repeatedly.  i use my spell check.  i also preview my post in a pop-up page as it would appear for others to read.  however i still miss stuff and that drives me bananas!  when i find errors even in old posts i go back and fix them.  you might find it funny to know that when i am typing i say each word out loud.  so how do i miss whole words or add ones that shouldn't be?  i don't know, i am not perfect is my only reasonable answer.

last but not least...

5.  the hecklers.  this is my audience.  there are people who read my blog religiously.  i know this because they tell me.  i can honestly say that i start a new topic everyday, but i don't always finish one everyday.  i work.  i have kids.  i have a life outside of my blog.  there are times when i don't post anything for days on end.  this is where the hecklers heckle through emails or texts "um did you forget about your blog?"  no.  i'm just not done.

at the expense of sounding cocky, which those of you who know me a little or a lot know that is totally not my personality, i might be at the high end of mediocre with this writing bit.  i am too scattered to put together more than just a few paragraphs about a specific topic, but i really do love the opportunity to express myself.  as long as i have a thought to expand on, a minor mishap to share, a man to swoon over, a fantasy to divulge, a broken heart to nurse, or just a good rant i will keep writing.

sasquatch...

phantom pains. 

The ability to feel sensations and pain in a limb or limbs that no longer exist.

compliments of Encyclopedia Brittanica

i have all my limbs, digits and organs, but my presence has been severed.  not sure if anyone else knows what i am talking about, but i will do my best to explain.

there are times in one's life where the stars seemed to be aligned.  or maybe you call it, the universe is in order.  or maybe you think, it is my time.  or maybe you believe in God and think He brought you another human to connect with. whatever you call it, i wonder if you have met someone that you just connect with, can't imagine your daily life without them and then life changes and they are gone?

this has happened to me several times.  with both men and women.  i am not sure why we connect better with certain people, but for me there are simply people who speak my language.  they get me and  i get them.  i look forward to interacting with them, hearing about their day, sharing mine.  i truly cherish that time i spend with them. 

being a single gal i tend to have single guy friends.  guy friends that i don't have an intimate relationship with, there are a couple i secretly would like to have an intimate relationship, but don't.  i'm just not that kind of girl.  anyway, there is one in particular where life has changed our friendship. 

a little history, without a name, because that just isn't fair, but if he reads this he will know.  i "met" him in september of this year.  we instantly clicked.  the conversation was always easy, goofy, sometimes flirty, intoxicating.  but we live 5 hours apart, there was never an intention to date, or even try to date, we just connected.  our friendship quickly turned to pet names.  we talked daily comparing dating stories, the weather, what we had for dinner, etc.  i think you get the idea, we just clicked. 

i knew and he knew, that one of us was going to start dating someone who lived in our area.  i knew it would be him first my schedule isn't as flexible as his.  nevertheless, i was kind of dreading the day i would get the text  i met someone.   not because i wanted it to be me, but because the rules change.  there are now lines that you don't cross. a respectful distance that you keep.  this was something we had actually talked about, but i don't think you really know how different it will be until you are there.

i got the text.  i was instantly sad and happy all at the same time.  i am extremely happy for him.  he is a genuine soul.  the woman he shares that with is truly blessed.  i hope she knows that.  i am selfishly sad for my loss. our last exchange was a promise to stay in touch, but we haven't.  deep down i knew we wouldn't and that is the part that saddens me. 

in one fell swoop i was severed with no hope of being reattached.  maybe somewhere down the road our paths will cross again?  i know better than to count on that, but there are times in the cover of darkness i wonder how he is doing? 

goodbye sasquatch.

flo