you know this is going to be funny. the title alone eludes to the fact that i have been exposing myself to a new crop of men hoping to find something worth my time.
i know there are a good portion of my readers that are one facebook. so readers, do you remember when you started your facebook account? i do. i was addicted to my facebook page. i was a stay-at-home mom with kids in school and time to waste. i spent hours building my army of friends, putting silly buttons on my page, changing my mood with the mood stone app, reading status updates. addicted for sure.
on-line dating is kind of the same thing. i have had a profile on plenty of fish (a free dating website) for a long time (the last year). when i was dating matt i had it hidden. i never looked at it because i was blissfully happy with him, but when my eternally sun shiny days started to fade and i knew that it just wasn't going to work, i unhid myself. this is where our adventure begins.
a free website is sure to be loaded with intensely crazy people. i find myself "window shopping" the site, perusing profiles. i think humans are fascinating. i love reading about what makes someone tick, their interests, their goals. i cringe at all the "text talk" that shows up in people's bios, come on folks put yourself back in english class, dust off the file cabinet you've stored your proper grammar in and put it back in use. there is a large number of fellas, my age, who want to be gangsta's; backwards hat pulled down over their eyebrows and a super serious "i am going to beat the crap out of you" scowl on their face. this is not an inviting look, what happened to smiling? maybe say cheese isn't as widely used as it used to be.
i will talk to just about anybody and this is probably a downfall of mine. so when i get a new message (they seem to come in waves, some days i get a flurry of messages and then days will go by without any activity), i look for a few things; location (i've narrowed the search to about 10 miles), height (you have to be taller than me in heels, i just don't want to be looking at the top of your head), doesn't want anymore kids (i really am not interested in birthing more children). then i read their profile...the fella can be cuter than all get out but if he can't write something worth reading with good grammar and correct spelling well i just can't deal. then i scope out the pics. let's face it not everyone is photogenic, and i try not to judge too much by the photos, but there definitely needs to be some sort of attraction.
i almost always respond to the message even if it is just to say no thank you. however, if you are interesting i will engage. i kind of remind myself of an old blue hair. you know those ladies who will talk to anyone just to have a conversation? i feel like i am always starved for adult interaction and conversation, but really i shouldn't be because i talk to so many people everyday. anyway, occasionally i find myself at the coffee shop meeting one of these interesting fellas. i have learned some valuable lessons that i feel is my duty to pass along.
1. if all pictures are from far away or with sunglasses...there may be a problem. sometimes people look so different from their photos. this fella had a wandering eye. oh my word! this may not be an issue for some, but i can't control my face. i had no idea what eye to look at. i could feel my face scrunching up, eyebrows furrowed, my mouth pinched and my head cocked to the right, always the right. oh for goodness sakes, i need a heads up about this kind of thing. that was a no.
2. last fall i met a fella...on paper a pretty good catch, but there are just somethings that aren't listed on paper. i actually met him two times. our first meeting i noticed that he stuttered a bit. chalked it up to being nervous. well the second time we had dinner, there was wine involved. you would think that the wine would loosen things up, but this only intensified the stuttering. again, can't control my face. he stuck on M's. the letter M is actually used a lot. more than one may realize. needless to say, i made a complete ass of myself hanging on the words, wanting to finish the thought. that was a no.
i really am not so shallow as to discount fellas for attributes that are beyond their control, but i know myself and what i can feasibly live with. wandering eyes and stuttering aren't things i can live with.
so sometimes the messages are just so out there they leave you baffled. for instance:
1. would you be interested in marrying a preacher and doing missionary work? quite the pick up line! i told him no, but thank you for the offer.
2. interested in dating? talk about jumping in with both feet. the kicker, he/she lives in texas. did you catch the he/she? this human was definitely a woman masquerading as a man! are you kidding me?
well that's about all i've got today.
cheers
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
learning to dazzle....i think
maybe there is something to this dazzling thing after all. i have to back up a bit so that you get the full story and that it makes sense.
so as you know i am divorced. i think i have made that pretty clear. we have a pretty typical visitation schedule; one overnight during the week and every other weekend. however on the weekends with their dad the kids come home monday morning before school. the transition day always seems to be the hardest. i recognize that it is hard for me to switch hats sometimes, so i can only imagine how difficult it is for my kids to switch hats with their limited life experience.
monday morning, between 7:30 and 8:00 a.m. i've made breakfast and am working on picking up the dishes. at the table world war three is breaking out in the form of insults, complaints, whining, yelling and complete chaos. i am thinking to myself this is not how one should eat their breakfast, they are not being kind to each other, what the heck?
you guys need jesus!
complete silence. jaws drop to the table. utensils are held in mid-air. i have two sets of eyes glued to me wondering and waiting for the next words that will come out of my mouth. i gently pull out the chair at the head of the table and sit. i calmly ask my kids some questions:
Mom: are you two treating each other the way you want to be treated?
Kids: no
Mom: do you think that God would like how you are behaving?
Kids: no
Mom: do you think that God is watcing you now?
Kids: yes
Mom: well maybe you should think about that.
i walked away from the table without another word and continued getting myself ready for work. the kids were very nice to each other rest of the morning. there was no arguments, no sassing, no whining.
Mom: 1
Kids: 0
i realize that this will only work a couple more times before the shock value wears off, but i've got to tell you that i was very pleased.
in all seriousness, there is something to this dazzling thing. i get that i am poking fun at the whole concept, and i've made some not-so-nice comments regarding the authors, but i do find myself interacting with my kids a little differently.
i still have my beef with the book. i think the idea is good and there are a lot of things that i agree with, but the manner in which i am supposed to be delivering the message to my kids is completely crazy town. i just don't have that in me. i was discussing the book with another parent and she had written in the margin this is exhausting. we were talking about how the dialogue the authors give you is just too much and that we wished it was simplified. in my head i pictured a yellow manual with black caution tape that says Give them Grace: For Dummies.
as the group was throwing out different scenarios and how they handled them a very important point was made. you can be giving your children grace without having to reference God. aha! this is good news for me. as i have said before i think that i teach my kids God's law but that i don't use the verbage that you would find in the bible. in order for me to spread the gospel with my children in a "teaching moment" would require me to hit the pause button, call beth and ask her what to say, come back to my kids, press play and then continue. as you can see this is not a reasonable scenario, i just don't live in the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler.
as we get farther in the book we are being exposed to a plan on how to incorporate the gospel and when it is a time to just discipline. i think we all agreed that we would prefer that the book was more black and white, but that just isn't life. life is gray, not one shade of gray but an ombre of gray.
so the dazzling continues. my kids will probably always be obnoxious ratchets at times. they will always make choices that require a healthy dose of full on law. i am doing my best to add some more grace, this is kind of tough for me i like order. i will probably continue to poke fun and warn my kids prepared to be dazzled, but i know, my kids, and yes God knows that i infuse my day with humor, laughter and sarcasm because it is me.
so as you know i am divorced. i think i have made that pretty clear. we have a pretty typical visitation schedule; one overnight during the week and every other weekend. however on the weekends with their dad the kids come home monday morning before school. the transition day always seems to be the hardest. i recognize that it is hard for me to switch hats sometimes, so i can only imagine how difficult it is for my kids to switch hats with their limited life experience.
monday morning, between 7:30 and 8:00 a.m. i've made breakfast and am working on picking up the dishes. at the table world war three is breaking out in the form of insults, complaints, whining, yelling and complete chaos. i am thinking to myself this is not how one should eat their breakfast, they are not being kind to each other, what the heck?
you guys need jesus!
complete silence. jaws drop to the table. utensils are held in mid-air. i have two sets of eyes glued to me wondering and waiting for the next words that will come out of my mouth. i gently pull out the chair at the head of the table and sit. i calmly ask my kids some questions:
Mom: are you two treating each other the way you want to be treated?
Kids: no
Mom: do you think that God would like how you are behaving?
Kids: no
Mom: do you think that God is watcing you now?
Kids: yes
Mom: well maybe you should think about that.
i walked away from the table without another word and continued getting myself ready for work. the kids were very nice to each other rest of the morning. there was no arguments, no sassing, no whining.
Mom: 1
Kids: 0
i realize that this will only work a couple more times before the shock value wears off, but i've got to tell you that i was very pleased.
in all seriousness, there is something to this dazzling thing. i get that i am poking fun at the whole concept, and i've made some not-so-nice comments regarding the authors, but i do find myself interacting with my kids a little differently.
i still have my beef with the book. i think the idea is good and there are a lot of things that i agree with, but the manner in which i am supposed to be delivering the message to my kids is completely crazy town. i just don't have that in me. i was discussing the book with another parent and she had written in the margin this is exhausting. we were talking about how the dialogue the authors give you is just too much and that we wished it was simplified. in my head i pictured a yellow manual with black caution tape that says Give them Grace: For Dummies.
as the group was throwing out different scenarios and how they handled them a very important point was made. you can be giving your children grace without having to reference God. aha! this is good news for me. as i have said before i think that i teach my kids God's law but that i don't use the verbage that you would find in the bible. in order for me to spread the gospel with my children in a "teaching moment" would require me to hit the pause button, call beth and ask her what to say, come back to my kids, press play and then continue. as you can see this is not a reasonable scenario, i just don't live in the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler.
as we get farther in the book we are being exposed to a plan on how to incorporate the gospel and when it is a time to just discipline. i think we all agreed that we would prefer that the book was more black and white, but that just isn't life. life is gray, not one shade of gray but an ombre of gray.
so the dazzling continues. my kids will probably always be obnoxious ratchets at times. they will always make choices that require a healthy dose of full on law. i am doing my best to add some more grace, this is kind of tough for me i like order. i will probably continue to poke fun and warn my kids prepared to be dazzled, but i know, my kids, and yes God knows that i infuse my day with humor, laughter and sarcasm because it is me.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
smelly cat...
the tv show friends is probably one of my all time favorites. when it was on air i watched it religiously. watching friends on thursday night was part of my routine. there was an episode where phoebe had a cold, she is in the coffee shop playing her guitar and singing smelly cat, in her sexy lounge cold induced voice. every time i have a cold and my voice gets deeper, scratchier and throatier i think of phoebe and her lounge voice.
there is a question that i often ask of people i am getting to know. what is your dream job? this question is asked with the following guidelines; if you didn't have to think about money, location, or any other factor what would your dream job be? i love people's answers. often times you can learn something about them, some sort of aspiration or desire that wouldn't come up in a regular conversation. inevitably i get the question in return.
so some of you will already know the answer, but my response is a back up singer. the doo-wop girl. usually there is more than one of these girls. so we would be in nondescript outfits, probably black dresses and boots, we can't be too flashy you aren't really supposed to notice us. we stand at our microphones, for some reason back up singers always seem to be to the left (when you are looking at the stage as a spectator) of the actual singer. we coordinate our movements, usually this means we have our arms at a 90 degree angle and we step from left to right and move our arms in a similar fashion. oh yeah baby this is my dream job.
back up singer you say? why wouldn't you want to be the front woman? well this may come as a shocker, but i really don't like being the center of attention. when all eyes are on me i freeze. i have had this fear for as long as i can remember the feeling of embarrassment. speaking in front of people, well actually being the sole person doing anything in front of a group of people, makes me want to vomit. this has come up in many aspects of my life.
i once had a job where i had to present a product. what do they call those people? oh yeah, a salesperson. this is not really a job for me. sure i am personable and can carry on a conversation, but trying to pitch a product and convince you to purchase it...forget it. this is not my forte. every time i had to present our product i would sweat profusely, my face turned bright red, talked really fast, forgot things, said too many of the wrong things, fidgeted...oh the list could continue, but i think you might get the idea.
this has also come up in sports. sports? that is kind of weird. well let me explain. in high school i ran track. i was a 400 hundred runner, that is once around the track. basically a sprint for three quarters of the track. i was actually pretty good at it. in the beginning i missed a couple of my races because i was in the bathroom throwing up from nerves. i just couldn't keep them under wraps. i also went golfing once. yes only once. i went with my ex husband. since i had no idea what i was doing, i didn't want anyone to watch me. i kept letting groups go ahead of us, waiting for an opportunity where there wasn't anyone watching so i could take my rookie crap swing. my ex only let that happen a few times before he told me i had to go and i had to go now. i have never golfed again.
i am getting more comfortable at making a fool of myself. i dont' get as embarrassed as i used to. i credit this to being a mother and making a fool of yourself to keep your kids happy and entertained. i still haven't worked up the courage to be a singer, in front of others. karaoke? oh heck no, you will not get me up there. i don't really care if you fill out a slip with my name on it. you would first have to pry me from my chair and even then you can't make me open my mouth and emit a sound. just sayin'
my lounge voice is already gone, but i thought i would copy and paste the lyrics to smelly cat. just in case you find yourself with that throaty lounge voice you will know where to find the lyrics. dont' forget your guitar, even if you can't play the tune you will look cool.
there is a question that i often ask of people i am getting to know. what is your dream job? this question is asked with the following guidelines; if you didn't have to think about money, location, or any other factor what would your dream job be? i love people's answers. often times you can learn something about them, some sort of aspiration or desire that wouldn't come up in a regular conversation. inevitably i get the question in return.
so some of you will already know the answer, but my response is a back up singer. the doo-wop girl. usually there is more than one of these girls. so we would be in nondescript outfits, probably black dresses and boots, we can't be too flashy you aren't really supposed to notice us. we stand at our microphones, for some reason back up singers always seem to be to the left (when you are looking at the stage as a spectator) of the actual singer. we coordinate our movements, usually this means we have our arms at a 90 degree angle and we step from left to right and move our arms in a similar fashion. oh yeah baby this is my dream job.
back up singer you say? why wouldn't you want to be the front woman? well this may come as a shocker, but i really don't like being the center of attention. when all eyes are on me i freeze. i have had this fear for as long as i can remember the feeling of embarrassment. speaking in front of people, well actually being the sole person doing anything in front of a group of people, makes me want to vomit. this has come up in many aspects of my life.
i once had a job where i had to present a product. what do they call those people? oh yeah, a salesperson. this is not really a job for me. sure i am personable and can carry on a conversation, but trying to pitch a product and convince you to purchase it...forget it. this is not my forte. every time i had to present our product i would sweat profusely, my face turned bright red, talked really fast, forgot things, said too many of the wrong things, fidgeted...oh the list could continue, but i think you might get the idea.
this has also come up in sports. sports? that is kind of weird. well let me explain. in high school i ran track. i was a 400 hundred runner, that is once around the track. basically a sprint for three quarters of the track. i was actually pretty good at it. in the beginning i missed a couple of my races because i was in the bathroom throwing up from nerves. i just couldn't keep them under wraps. i also went golfing once. yes only once. i went with my ex husband. since i had no idea what i was doing, i didn't want anyone to watch me. i kept letting groups go ahead of us, waiting for an opportunity where there wasn't anyone watching so i could take my rookie crap swing. my ex only let that happen a few times before he told me i had to go and i had to go now. i have never golfed again.
i am getting more comfortable at making a fool of myself. i dont' get as embarrassed as i used to. i credit this to being a mother and making a fool of yourself to keep your kids happy and entertained. i still haven't worked up the courage to be a singer, in front of others. karaoke? oh heck no, you will not get me up there. i don't really care if you fill out a slip with my name on it. you would first have to pry me from my chair and even then you can't make me open my mouth and emit a sound. just sayin'
my lounge voice is already gone, but i thought i would copy and paste the lyrics to smelly cat. just in case you find yourself with that throaty lounge voice you will know where to find the lyrics. dont' forget your guitar, even if you can't play the tune you will look cool.
Three, four...
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
You may not be a bed of roses
You're not friend to those with noses
I'll miss you before we're done
Or the world will smell as one
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault
(Phoebe) Oh are we done?
One, two, what's that smell?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
You're getting fat
I think that I'm gonna be sick
It's your ears, and nose and pick
Part of it, tempt me
One, two, what's that smell?
All the dogs in the neighborhood
Are saying this for your own good
What, you're fat, so you can't run
No fun, I bet, No fun
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
Porno makes you eat like that
I saw you in the shopping mall
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault,
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
We know what was in your food
They say it might affect your mood
You smell like something dead (3x)
One, two, what's that smell?
(Phoebe)Yeah, that's not the song
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
You may not be a bed of roses
You're not friend to those with noses
I'll miss you before we're done
Or the world will smell as one
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault
(Phoebe) Oh are we done?
One, two, what's that smell?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
You're getting fat
I think that I'm gonna be sick
It's your ears, and nose and pick
Part of it, tempt me
One, two, what's that smell?
All the dogs in the neighborhood
Are saying this for your own good
What, you're fat, so you can't run
No fun, I bet, No fun
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
Porno makes you eat like that
I saw you in the shopping mall
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault,
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
We know what was in your food
They say it might affect your mood
You smell like something dead (3x)
One, two, what's that smell?
(Phoebe)Yeah, that's not the song
Saturday, November 5, 2011
crap on heather week....
i am going to rant and rave here a bit. so if you aren't in the mood for negativity stop now. this isn't going to be pretty and i may hurt some feelings, but my feelings have been hurt too.
have you ever had one of those days, maybe it is a week, where your past seems to have gotten a memo that says, "you should shit on heather. you should blame her and yell at her to clear your conscious." ? if you haven't, be thankful, because i am here to tell you that it sucks dog. i am having that week. the good news, supposedly things come in threes and i have had three different people at three different times blame me and yell at me. so i've had my fill, i've taken my punch in the gut and i'm ready to move on.
#1.
i am tired of being the scapegoat and the reason behind all your problems. i fully understand that i am going to be the one you blame, but is that forever? will there ever be a time when you admit that you played a roll. that you have just as much, if not more, ownership in our failure? i accept and own that i contributed to our failure, no one is perfect, there are always two people involved in a partnership, but really?? i did not make your choices, i did not disengage, i did not find an alternative way to cope. yes, i made it easy for you to make poor choices, but ultimately you made those choices.
so, yeah, i will probably always be your scapegoat, i will always be the one you blame. i suppose my job is to figure out how to deal with it so it doesn't interfere with my life now, so you stop bringing me down. i will be honest, i haven't figured that out yet. it still affects me. i still take it personally. i still try to make it easier for you. i still make concessions. i feel weak.
#2.
i am not sure how telling me, "it took you to help me figure out i needed counseling so i could be the real me" is supposed to make me feel good? it doesn't. it makes me feel foolish and used. well super, i am glad that i could invest my time into the fake you, so you could be the real you for someone else. are you kidding me? i had never intended to be the "learning girlfriend", a stepping stone to the right thing. maybe if i thought that was my role i would've gone about things differently? like said no thank you.
#3.
i'm sorry. i am sorry that my shitty week made me unavailable to support you. i realize that my issues aren't as heavy as yours, but they are still mine and they still impacted me. i have always been there even when you didn't want it. i needed that same support without being trumped, without feeling stupid, without the guilt. maybe it is selfish to have asked that you put your needs aside this one time, but i don't think so. maybe i should have sucked it up and just been the supportive friend i always am to you, but i couldn't. maybe you will forgive me maybe you won't. i really just don't know. in any case, i am sorry.
so crap on heather week is officially over. if anyone else has a gripe, complaint, or issue you will have to wait until next time.
have you ever had one of those days, maybe it is a week, where your past seems to have gotten a memo that says, "you should shit on heather. you should blame her and yell at her to clear your conscious." ? if you haven't, be thankful, because i am here to tell you that it sucks dog. i am having that week. the good news, supposedly things come in threes and i have had three different people at three different times blame me and yell at me. so i've had my fill, i've taken my punch in the gut and i'm ready to move on.
#1.
i am tired of being the scapegoat and the reason behind all your problems. i fully understand that i am going to be the one you blame, but is that forever? will there ever be a time when you admit that you played a roll. that you have just as much, if not more, ownership in our failure? i accept and own that i contributed to our failure, no one is perfect, there are always two people involved in a partnership, but really?? i did not make your choices, i did not disengage, i did not find an alternative way to cope. yes, i made it easy for you to make poor choices, but ultimately you made those choices.
so, yeah, i will probably always be your scapegoat, i will always be the one you blame. i suppose my job is to figure out how to deal with it so it doesn't interfere with my life now, so you stop bringing me down. i will be honest, i haven't figured that out yet. it still affects me. i still take it personally. i still try to make it easier for you. i still make concessions. i feel weak.
#2.
i am not sure how telling me, "it took you to help me figure out i needed counseling so i could be the real me" is supposed to make me feel good? it doesn't. it makes me feel foolish and used. well super, i am glad that i could invest my time into the fake you, so you could be the real you for someone else. are you kidding me? i had never intended to be the "learning girlfriend", a stepping stone to the right thing. maybe if i thought that was my role i would've gone about things differently? like said no thank you.
#3.
i'm sorry. i am sorry that my shitty week made me unavailable to support you. i realize that my issues aren't as heavy as yours, but they are still mine and they still impacted me. i have always been there even when you didn't want it. i needed that same support without being trumped, without feeling stupid, without the guilt. maybe it is selfish to have asked that you put your needs aside this one time, but i don't think so. maybe i should have sucked it up and just been the supportive friend i always am to you, but i couldn't. maybe you will forgive me maybe you won't. i really just don't know. in any case, i am sorry.
so crap on heather week is officially over. if anyone else has a gripe, complaint, or issue you will have to wait until next time.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
pint-sized blogger....
my daughter wants to write a blog....
oh my goodness! this is terrifying to me. shall we recap my daughter? okay we shall. first off she is nine and three quarters. the three quarters is uber important when you are approaching double digits. she is precocious, outspoken, fiercely loyal to her best friend, stubborn. did i mention outspoken? did i mention that she is only nine?
my first thought is what in the world is she going to write about? friends, the argument she got into with me, how she deliberately pokes at her brother, her christmas list, how she wants to be a singer/actress, her favorite color, her cat oscar, how much she hates that her parents are divorced, her idols, her dreams, or maybe the boy she has been crushing on since first grade. i suppose she does have a lot she could write about when i list it out like this.
my second thought, she needs an outlet. my daughter and i are similar in many ways. P is very creative with her words. for nine and three quarters she has a huge vocabulary, she reads almost three grade levels above her grade. she has a knack for stringing words together. she is a budding a songwriter. P has a desire to be heard, just like her mamma. i think this is part of the reason why i started blogging, i felt like my ideas, opinions, thoughts were never heard and maybe just maybe if i put them out in this format someone will pay attention. well P is no different, she has so much to share i think she feels squelched by the confines of her life that she needs a way to share with others.
my biggest fear, how will she portray me? i am blessed with a girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind. often times this means that she writes me hate mail. the hate mail usually comes after we have disagreed about something, or she didn't get her way, or i stopped her before she even had the chance to spit it out. the outside of my hate mail usually looks nice with hearts or smiley faces on the front
to: mom
love: peyton
but inside is a whole bunch of hate. proclaiming that life isn't fair, she has an opinion, she can make her own decisions and my favorite...i am the worst mother ever. it can be hard not to giggle when i am reading this, because i know she really doesn't mean it, but at that very moment she has so much built up yuck she just spews it out. throwing around random hatred just to get it out of her head.
yes i am fearful as to how she would portray me.
at her school conference this year, her teacher recommended that i let her help me write a post start to finish. she has a problem revising her work and he thought it would be helpful for her to see how much i edit before i actually publish something. of course she heard this and decided instead she just wanted her own blog. she is too cool for a collaborative piece.
hmmm....i have been thinking about it. i think i might let her write a piece and post it on my blog but make very clear that the thoughts are all P. i may be opening a huge can of worms, but maybe, just maybe she will find writing her thoughts just as therapeutic as i do.
oh my goodness! this is terrifying to me. shall we recap my daughter? okay we shall. first off she is nine and three quarters. the three quarters is uber important when you are approaching double digits. she is precocious, outspoken, fiercely loyal to her best friend, stubborn. did i mention outspoken? did i mention that she is only nine?
my first thought is what in the world is she going to write about? friends, the argument she got into with me, how she deliberately pokes at her brother, her christmas list, how she wants to be a singer/actress, her favorite color, her cat oscar, how much she hates that her parents are divorced, her idols, her dreams, or maybe the boy she has been crushing on since first grade. i suppose she does have a lot she could write about when i list it out like this.
my second thought, she needs an outlet. my daughter and i are similar in many ways. P is very creative with her words. for nine and three quarters she has a huge vocabulary, she reads almost three grade levels above her grade. she has a knack for stringing words together. she is a budding a songwriter. P has a desire to be heard, just like her mamma. i think this is part of the reason why i started blogging, i felt like my ideas, opinions, thoughts were never heard and maybe just maybe if i put them out in this format someone will pay attention. well P is no different, she has so much to share i think she feels squelched by the confines of her life that she needs a way to share with others.
my biggest fear, how will she portray me? i am blessed with a girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind. often times this means that she writes me hate mail. the hate mail usually comes after we have disagreed about something, or she didn't get her way, or i stopped her before she even had the chance to spit it out. the outside of my hate mail usually looks nice with hearts or smiley faces on the front
to: mom
love: peyton
but inside is a whole bunch of hate. proclaiming that life isn't fair, she has an opinion, she can make her own decisions and my favorite...i am the worst mother ever. it can be hard not to giggle when i am reading this, because i know she really doesn't mean it, but at that very moment she has so much built up yuck she just spews it out. throwing around random hatred just to get it out of her head.
yes i am fearful as to how she would portray me.
at her school conference this year, her teacher recommended that i let her help me write a post start to finish. she has a problem revising her work and he thought it would be helpful for her to see how much i edit before i actually publish something. of course she heard this and decided instead she just wanted her own blog. she is too cool for a collaborative piece.
hmmm....i have been thinking about it. i think i might let her write a piece and post it on my blog but make very clear that the thoughts are all P. i may be opening a huge can of worms, but maybe, just maybe she will find writing her thoughts just as therapeutic as i do.
molasses to heavy cream...
the relationship with my ex is slowly mending. you hear that expression slower than molasses well i wish there was an expression for something even slower because that is how quickly our progress is, excruciatingly slow. for a long time i believed that it was all him, he was making this difficult, but i have discovered that i too am making this difficult. shocker!
we recently sat down to hash things out. talk about uncomfortable. i cried a good portion of the time. ugh! i despise that i am a crier. it doesn't matter how hard i try to hold it in the tears come without permission. those darn tears mock me and make me look weak. ooh i don't like you tears. anyway, it was uncomfortable but i think progress was made.
for the past two plus years we have been at a standstill. there is so much emotion that swirls around with divorce; anger, disappointment, failure, sadness, and a whole host of others. pick one, i'm sure i have felt it. moving past all of that has proven to be difficult for me. why do i hold onto it? i am not really sure, other than it is familiar. i am used to the uncomfortably tense relationship we now have.
for some reason a good majority of humans do this, stay in the uncomfortable because it is familiar. how many people do you know that are in a job they don't particularly like but they stay because it is familiar? do you know someone who is in a marriage and will stay in that marriage because it is familiar not because they are still in love with their spouse? it takes a lot of courage and faith to be vulnerable and open to change. to choose a different path not knowing what the terrain will look like.
this is a situation that i don't want to stay cemented in, the uncomfortable. i truly want to get to a point where our interactions aren't tense, they aren't uncomfortable, i can perform them without the tears. i am not one hundred percent sure on how to do this. honestly i am not even twenty five percent sure how to do this. but i am certainly going to try, not just for my sake but for my kids.
first and foremost we simply have to talk more. with our voices. forget email and texting some situations are just better handled with our voices. moving from molasses to heavy cream requires the human voice. i am not sure about you, but when i am faced with a difficult conversation it is easier for me to write it down. i think i explain myself better this way. the problem with a written word is it's open to interpretation. you as the reader gets to choose the intonation, you may inadvertently add words or drop words. it reminds me of having a black cup of coffee and getting to add your own flavor to it. no two cups of coffee will be the same, just as no two readers will have the same interpretation of the same text. so as hard as it is for me to share vocally i have to put on my big girl panties and just do it.
practice makes perfect, right?
second it is just going to take time. we didn't communicate well during our marriage, to think that we are magically going to figure it out now that we aren't married is just crazy. time can be your best friend and it can also be your worst enemy. in this case it has been both. i think that we waited too long to start the healing process. i can only speak for me, but i have a K2 size wall glued together with distrust erected around me. this naturally means it is going to take time to regain trust.
eventually we will get to heavy cream.
we recently sat down to hash things out. talk about uncomfortable. i cried a good portion of the time. ugh! i despise that i am a crier. it doesn't matter how hard i try to hold it in the tears come without permission. those darn tears mock me and make me look weak. ooh i don't like you tears. anyway, it was uncomfortable but i think progress was made.
for the past two plus years we have been at a standstill. there is so much emotion that swirls around with divorce; anger, disappointment, failure, sadness, and a whole host of others. pick one, i'm sure i have felt it. moving past all of that has proven to be difficult for me. why do i hold onto it? i am not really sure, other than it is familiar. i am used to the uncomfortably tense relationship we now have.
for some reason a good majority of humans do this, stay in the uncomfortable because it is familiar. how many people do you know that are in a job they don't particularly like but they stay because it is familiar? do you know someone who is in a marriage and will stay in that marriage because it is familiar not because they are still in love with their spouse? it takes a lot of courage and faith to be vulnerable and open to change. to choose a different path not knowing what the terrain will look like.
this is a situation that i don't want to stay cemented in, the uncomfortable. i truly want to get to a point where our interactions aren't tense, they aren't uncomfortable, i can perform them without the tears. i am not one hundred percent sure on how to do this. honestly i am not even twenty five percent sure how to do this. but i am certainly going to try, not just for my sake but for my kids.
first and foremost we simply have to talk more. with our voices. forget email and texting some situations are just better handled with our voices. moving from molasses to heavy cream requires the human voice. i am not sure about you, but when i am faced with a difficult conversation it is easier for me to write it down. i think i explain myself better this way. the problem with a written word is it's open to interpretation. you as the reader gets to choose the intonation, you may inadvertently add words or drop words. it reminds me of having a black cup of coffee and getting to add your own flavor to it. no two cups of coffee will be the same, just as no two readers will have the same interpretation of the same text. so as hard as it is for me to share vocally i have to put on my big girl panties and just do it.
practice makes perfect, right?
second it is just going to take time. we didn't communicate well during our marriage, to think that we are magically going to figure it out now that we aren't married is just crazy. time can be your best friend and it can also be your worst enemy. in this case it has been both. i think that we waited too long to start the healing process. i can only speak for me, but i have a K2 size wall glued together with distrust erected around me. this naturally means it is going to take time to regain trust.
eventually we will get to heavy cream.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
eaters...apply within. i'm stuffed
i am in love.
yes.
in love.
i suppose the next logical question is with who? and maybe you are thinking, seriously heather you just broke up with your boyfriend. you've been a tortured mess. now you are professing your love? again?! maybe you are hanging your head in shame that you know me? maybe you are jumping up and down with joy for me (probably not, i mean who really cares that much)? maybe you are just thinking here we go again...at least the journey is interesting enough to read?
well it is not with a who...it is with a what. what? okay, now she has really fallen off her rocker. what is she talking about? in love with an inanimate object? where is the straight jacket and padded room? quick, if we sneak up from behind she may not put up much of a fight...clearly you haven't met me. i may look fragile and frail but i am scrappy. it's the scrappy ones you have to be wary of.
my fridge is full.
my freezer is full.
my pantry (well i don't really have one of those) is full.
i am in love.
if you follow my blog or my facebook page you will have noticed that i have been cooking up a storm. i am not sure if it is the time of year? or that i am rediscovering my love of cooking and actually taking the extra step of planning it? or if i have just been hungry? whatever the case, i've been cooking. i kind of feel like i am nesting....no i am not pregnant. but for the ladies, you may recall this urge to prepare for the arrival. yeah, that's the feeling. it must just be the weather.
i am running into a problem. as much as i love to cook i can only eat so much. so why do i make so much? well when i am cooking a recipe, especially a new recipe, i follow the directions exactly. there is no substitutions, unless it calls for mushrooms those are omitted. every time. i don't cut the recipe in half. i get that this is easy enough to do, when it calls for 2 cups you use 1 cup so on and so forth, i just don't do this on my first go around. besides, how do you cut 3 eggs in half?
my household consists of three humans and one feline. only one of those humans (me) really eats. my kids, the other two humans, aren't as adventurous. my son would live off of apples, peanut butter, cheese and crackers and cereal if i let him. most often he looks at his plate and says i don't like this. i am not a mom who insists that my kids eat what is on their plate, but they do have to try it and i am not making something different for them to eat. my daughter is a little more adventurous in her food but claims she can't chew meat. this is not to be interpreted as i am a vegetarian because that isn't the case either, i think it is all in her head. the feline, oscar, he doesn't eat too much people food. an occasional lick of a tuna can but i wouldn't consider that enough of a contribution to count.
recipes and packaged food isn't really geared towards a family of three, two or even one. there is a scene from a movie father of the bride that comes to mind. george banks is at the grocery store attempting to purchase hot dogs and buns. anyone remember this scene? he is stressed to the max with the cost of the wedding and flips out at the store. he is so irritated that he has to buy more buns than dogs, starts removing the buns from the package because he just isn't going to put out one more penny for things he doesn't need. hilarious.
there is a point to this reference i just can't put my finger on it. i am distracted with scenes from that movie floating around in my head. i think i might need to watch this movie soon.
anyway, we aren't a left over family. if at the end of our meal there is food left i package it and store it in my fridge. there is something sacrilegious about throwing away freshly prepared food. however, if it is two week old science experiment worthy food i have no problems feeding my hungry garbage can. so here in lies my dilemma, i have gotten really good at making just enough for my family of three, but i get tired of eating the same things over and over again so i make something new, which inevitably means i will have food left over. ugh!
what am i missing? a man. another human who will consume the food at my table. from my experience men are typically living breathing garbage disposals. they will eat just about anything. from cold soup directly out of the can to a five course meal. if it isn't moldy, curdled or smell funny they will consume it. i love this about men.
i wonder? would it be odd to put out an ad? an ad for just a dinner guest? how stringent would the screening process have to be? i certainly don't want to put my kids or myself in danger by having some whackadoo at my table, but another eater would be fantastic. i could try out all my new recipes, the food would get eaten, the conversation would most certainly be different than our usual kid talk, and our guest would have had a hot meal and would leave with a full belly. ok that is silly. somethings sound much better in rapid fire suggestion than thought out suggestion, but it would be nice to have another eater.
i am running into a problem. as much as i love to cook i can only eat so much. so why do i make so much? well when i am cooking a recipe, especially a new recipe, i follow the directions exactly. there is no substitutions, unless it calls for mushrooms those are omitted. every time. i don't cut the recipe in half. i get that this is easy enough to do, when it calls for 2 cups you use 1 cup so on and so forth, i just don't do this on my first go around. besides, how do you cut 3 eggs in half?
my household consists of three humans and one feline. only one of those humans (me) really eats. my kids, the other two humans, aren't as adventurous. my son would live off of apples, peanut butter, cheese and crackers and cereal if i let him. most often he looks at his plate and says i don't like this. i am not a mom who insists that my kids eat what is on their plate, but they do have to try it and i am not making something different for them to eat. my daughter is a little more adventurous in her food but claims she can't chew meat. this is not to be interpreted as i am a vegetarian because that isn't the case either, i think it is all in her head. the feline, oscar, he doesn't eat too much people food. an occasional lick of a tuna can but i wouldn't consider that enough of a contribution to count.
recipes and packaged food isn't really geared towards a family of three, two or even one. there is a scene from a movie father of the bride that comes to mind. george banks is at the grocery store attempting to purchase hot dogs and buns. anyone remember this scene? he is stressed to the max with the cost of the wedding and flips out at the store. he is so irritated that he has to buy more buns than dogs, starts removing the buns from the package because he just isn't going to put out one more penny for things he doesn't need. hilarious.
there is a point to this reference i just can't put my finger on it. i am distracted with scenes from that movie floating around in my head. i think i might need to watch this movie soon.
anyway, we aren't a left over family. if at the end of our meal there is food left i package it and store it in my fridge. there is something sacrilegious about throwing away freshly prepared food. however, if it is two week old science experiment worthy food i have no problems feeding my hungry garbage can. so here in lies my dilemma, i have gotten really good at making just enough for my family of three, but i get tired of eating the same things over and over again so i make something new, which inevitably means i will have food left over. ugh!
what am i missing? a man. another human who will consume the food at my table. from my experience men are typically living breathing garbage disposals. they will eat just about anything. from cold soup directly out of the can to a five course meal. if it isn't moldy, curdled or smell funny they will consume it. i love this about men.
i wonder? would it be odd to put out an ad? an ad for just a dinner guest? how stringent would the screening process have to be? i certainly don't want to put my kids or myself in danger by having some whackadoo at my table, but another eater would be fantastic. i could try out all my new recipes, the food would get eaten, the conversation would most certainly be different than our usual kid talk, and our guest would have had a hot meal and would leave with a full belly. ok that is silly. somethings sound much better in rapid fire suggestion than thought out suggestion, but it would be nice to have another eater.
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